It's here! My list of NFL team names that just have to go. Goodbye cool team names that we love, hello future!
The Washington Redskins have been the topic of a lot of intense debate lately. The few moments national sports media analysts aren't scrutinizing Johnny Maziel's every move, or connecting Donald Sterling to the Third Reich, they're discussing the inevitable name change coming in Washington D.C. Like it or not, it will become a reality. When Redskins team owner, Daniel Snyder, isn't busy spreading bombs full of Ebola across Africa, or funding North Korean long-range nuclear weapons systems, he spends his time offending Native American tribes by fighting to keep the Redskins name in tact. This is a losing battle. Snyder's clinging to a name that offends the group of people most synonimous with American maltreatment, just because it's his source of multi-billion dollar revenue. What a horrible person!
I love the Redskins name, and love what it represents in my mind. When I hear Redskins, I envision Tomahawks being violently tossed by warriors heading into battle, scalping enemies, and cutting out their still beating heart - and that is exactly the problem. Snyder needs a reality check, and needs to accept that his beloved team name, the Redskins, will at some point in fact be changed whether he agrees with it or not. That much is for sure. It's just the society we all live in.
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| The original Redskins logo was not approved by the NFL |
A less offensive name change doesn't mean it will be changed to something good. On the contrary, I can almost guarantee that the new name will be horrible, and sound like it belongs to a 5th grade after school kickball team. I can't think of a single modern professional team name that has been changed for the better. Remember the Washington Bullets? Too many shootings in D.C. - offensive - name changed. The Bullets became the Wizards, and, in a touch of irony, the team has had far more incidents involving bullets since changing their name (Thanks a lot Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton!).
The Houston Colt 45's? Practically dead on arrival, the 45's became the Astros after only 3 MLB seasons. The Tampa Bay Devil Rays - oh boy - this name reminded us all that just outside almost every major city in America, the grip of 21st century, scientific evidence based reason, is losened wider than my B-hole after eating a 6-pack of Taco Bell's spicy nacho cheese Doritos Chalupas, and that we're still a country of Creationist, Bible-swinging, Jesus lovers. Poof! Just like that the lowly
The Redskins are not alone, start accepting it now. Other NFL names are not sacred or untouchable, and more names you had no idea were offensive will soon be on the chopping block. After all, almost every NFL team name could potentially offend someone, so I'm going to be proactive and rename them now, just because I'm a forward thinking guy and like to stay ahead of the curve. Which current names are offensive or not offensive? I have no idea, so let's just say all of them. We wouldn't want to offend anyone by saying their team name isn't as offensive as the others right? That would be "labeling", and that's a no-no. The only thing that I know for a fact is offensive, is everything on this blog - so without further ado...
AFC West
The Kansas City Chiefs
I'm not sure that being called a chief is actually offensive to anyone, but it certainly implies a connection with native American culture, so just like the Redskins, it's gotta go, and it's gotta go quickly. No need for the Hunt family (owners) to recklessly risk everything by keeping a potentially offensive name they've had without complaint since 1963! I think Hitler's title, The Fuhrer, meant chief. It actually translates to leader but it's the same thing. Besides, the U.S. is socialist now, and where there is one chief, there are many minions, and implying any sort of autocratic, unequal distribution of power and wealth in a team name cannot be tolerated.
Suggested rename: Kansas City Equals
San Diego Chargers
Holy cow this one is offensive! Doesn't the Spanos family know that on average, 73 Americans die each year from lightning related injuries? That makes it like, the 734th leading cause of death in the U.S., one spot behind lighting your own farts while tight rope walking between two jetliners... midair! There is no room for insensitivity like this.
Suggested rename: San Diego Advocates for Stopping Static Electricity Strikes,
or, San Diego A.S.S.E.S. for short. Has a nice ring to it!
Oakland Raiders
Although most citizens of Oakland do happen to posess the same principles as violent 16th century pirates, and even more posess at least one semi-automatic assault weapon and have a criminal background, not all of them do... I'm fairly certain.
OK I'm not that certain, but still, the name has to go. Any kind of piracy is bad. Whether it be full-fledge looting and pillaging, illegal bootlegging of DVD's, or the Captain Phillips, Somalian type of piracy, we cannot have it in the NFL. We will allow a small degree of butt piracy, Michael Sam has proven that (is it just coincidence the NFL's first openly gay player plays on the Rams?).
However - in keeping with the theme of piracy, and the team name is still to reflect an entity or person in which receives large amounts of funding, without providing any goods or service in return, and is not subjected to the rigid tax laws of common, working Americans, I have just the replacement name.
Suggested rename: Oakland Congesssional Representatives (Congressman is sexist)
Denver Broncos
If Michael Vick has taught us anything, it's that we Americans love our pets. We love pets WAY more than we love people. For his involvement in a dog fighting ring, Michael Vick received 20 months in federal prison and was immediately suspended by the NFL indefinitely. In contrast, Baltimore Ravens RB Ray Rice, changed up his training regimen this offseason, deciding to forego his traditional weight training program, replacing it with a new type of extracurricular activity. His arduous training included 2-a-days, of smacking around his girlfriend, followed by dragging her out of an elevator by her hair. His punishment? Rice received a 2 game suspension by the NFL, zero jail time, and a lifetime of marriage with the battered woman he now calls his fiance. The point is, animals have more rights than people.
The term "Bronco", implies an untrained horse living in the wild, or a horse that bucks often, that has not yet been broken. The Wild and Free-Roaming Horses and Burros Act of 1971, prevents the capture of mustangs from the wild for commercial use. The term bronco reminds us of all the egregious acts committed by man onto horse throughout the American westward expansion and period of the wild west. Even the term "untrained", implied within the word bronco, is offensive. I prefer free-spirited, and I'm sure the horses do to. The majority of today's horses are well disciplined and flawlessly trained. Horses have rights too damn it. The outdated, offensive stereotype, Denver Broncos, needs to go.
Suggested rename: Free-Spirited Animals Against Generalization Stereotypes or F.A.A.G.S.
The Denver FAAGS. Rolls right off the tongue!
I feel like we all grew together today and that I'm a better person now. I hope you all learned something here too and are more sensitive, caring people as a result of reading this. You all get a trophy for participation!
