Nucleus Disaster

After beginning the season 3-3, the Cowboys have dropped back-to-back games, losing to the Giants and Falcons. They now find themselves sitting at 3-5 halfway through another substandard season.



What seems to be the problem in Big D? How can a team with so much talent continue to underachieve year after year?



These questions quickly lead to talk about Tony Romo, turnovers, and his overall poor play at the quarterback position. Romo has already thrown 13 picks through 8 games (most in the NFL) after throwing only 10 all of last season.





Romo's QB rating of 82.2 is the lowest of his career so Romo certainly deserves his share of the blame. But if you scratch just slightly beneath the surface, you'll see that the Cowboys problems are much deeper than just Romo.







Jason Garrett's coaching seat is getting hotter by the day and rightfully so. The Cowboys play calling has been horrific. Game and clock management has been God awful. Jason Garrett has not prepared his players well for games, has not coached them well, and frankly seems over matched by the level of coaching in the National Football League. If things don't improve drastically and immediately don't expect to see Garrett back in 2013. But let's dig a little deeper into the Cowboys problems and see what we find.

 The bad play calling is due in part because of the injuries at the running back position. As a result of the injuries to Felix Jones and Demarco Murray, the Cowboys running game has been non-existent. They currently rank 30th in the league in rushing yards with 667. The absolute ineffectiveness of the running game has caused Garrett to try to overcompensate with the passing game, a move that has so far backfired. Romo has had to throw the ball more and more, and is currently on pace for 636 pass attempts this season, a total that would eclipse his career-high mark of 550 pass attempts, set back in 2009. This unbalanced offensive attack has allowed opposing defenses to successfully game-plan for them.

And then there's numero uno. The head honcho. The face of the franchise. The man with the final say. The checkbook.

 Jerry Jones' refusal to bring in a general manager is costing this franchise. Winning Superbowl titles in the mid-nineties doesn't make you a great general manager today. From a marketing and branding standpoint, Jones' leadership of the franchise is simply brilliant. The fact that the Cowboys are worth nearly $2 billion substantiates that point. However, those same results in the form of wins have not transpired onto the field.

Most of the big-name talent on the team today can be traced back to Bill Parcels, who coached the Cowboys from 2003 through 2006. If you think Demarcus Ware, Miles Austin, Tony Romo and Jason Witten are some of the better players on the team -- thank Coach Parcells. Parcells last season as head coach of the Cowboys was 2006, and for good reason.

That year they started with respected veteran Drew Bledsoe at QB. His backup was an undrafted nobody from nowhere named Tony Roma, like the rib place. Then in week 6, Bledsoe went down for the year and Tony Romo emerged. Unfortunately for Parcells, stories of underdog heroics and first round playoff exits weren't enough to satisfy Jerry Jones' insatiable appetite for the spotlight. Jones has always possessed a penchant for big-name, attention getting talent, and 2006 was no exception. 

Against the advice of coach Parcells, locker room cancer Terrell Owens was brought in to do the job of poisoning the promising team chemistry.

And that he did. Just like he did in San Francisco and Philadelphia. Just like everyone knew he would. Along with a few touchdowns, Owens brought drama, media attention, and an above the team me-first attitude.


The Cowboys didn't win the Division but still managed to make the playoffs that year, then lost in the first round to Seattle, when Romo botched the hold on a go-ahead field goal in the final 2 minutes of the game. But the poison had already taken effect. No longer were there 53 warriors going to battle each week, watching each other's backs -- they were now 52 and 1.


I'm not pinning the Cowboys problems on Terrell Owens, far from it. I'm pinning a great deal on Jerry Jones for cultivating the type of atmosphere that not only permits, but embraces that type of behavior. Jones needs to be held accountable because I see exactly that same thing happening on their team right now with Dez Bryant.


Bottom line: Team Chemistry. Some teams have it -- most don't.








Let me give an example of another type of locker room cancer:



Coach Chuck Pagano and The 2012 Indianapolis Colts.

Let's not forget that last year, the Colts going 0-16 and Peyton Manning never again playing football were both very real possibilities. Curtis Painter took over for Manning at QB, leading a perennial AFC powerhouse into the 2011 season.

Before the season began, it was widely believed that if former Lingerie Football League standout Curtis Painter, could just manage games and not turn the ball over, that somehow their season would be OK. The Colts nation crossed their fingers in hopes that somehow the absence of their quarterback and leader would somehow go unnoticed. Coach Jim Caldwell and GM Bill Polian banked their jobs on it.

14 losses later, the Colts received the 1st overall pick in the 2012 NFL Draft, and number 18 was holding up an orange jersey.

Now, after less than a year, only one NFL draft, and losing much of their star power to free agency, trades, and sweeping organizational changes, the 2012 Colts have rallied to 5-3, finding themselves in the thick of the AFC Playoff hunt.


How? Is Andrew Luck that good?



Team Chemistry



The week leading up to the Green Bay game was going to be the test of Chuck Pagano's young head coaching career. The Colts were 1-2, heading into an early season bye-week with a lot of work ahead. The players and coaches earned a few days off before a greuling week of preperation in anticipation of Aaron Rodgers and Green Bay.

Then everything changed.

Coach Pagano was diagnosed with Leukemia.

The teams focus shifted -- concentration intensified. Coach Pagano became a symbol of strength. The Colts defeated the Packers that week 30-27, and including that game have gone 4-1.

This last week, coach Pagano was able to attend a game for the first time in a month. Even if only as a spectator, he was able to see his team play for him, and defeat the Miami Dolphins 23-20.

After the game the team presented coach Pagano with the game ball.

That, is team chemistry. And that, is a winning nucleus.






 

GENESIS 1:1 In the beginning...

The more things change, the more they are the same.

ALPHONSE KARR, Les Guepes

 

WEEK 1 REVIEW



Happy 9/11 everyone! I can't believe football is back and week 1 is in the books. So many great storylines, so many things that deserve my negative attention. Here are a few that captured my attention.


Perhaps I should begin by posing a question. Which do you believe will happen first:


A.Mitt Romney releases his tax returns


B. Trojan launches a new "specialty" condom line specifically targeting Asians

C.The Oakland Raiders commit fewer than 10 penalties in a game.


D. None of the above



Chargers 22 Raiders14

Fact: If you combine atrocious offense with abysmal special teams -- you get a 22-14 Raiders loss at home in the season opener. A mediocre performance by the Chargers was more than enough to complete the humiliation of Oakland.

To be clear, I'm not surprised at all by the Raiders opening their 2012 regular season with an L, but after the off-season house cleaning executed by the organization, I expected a tad bit more. 

It's tough to pin a teams loss on one individual player, but backup long-snapper Travis Goethel had the kind of game that will cause him many sleepless nights for years to come. Shouldn't punting be the one area the Raiders excel at? Along with... maybe... field goals? Watching perennial Pro Bowler Punter, Shane Lechler, attempt to scoop up the grounders Goethel pathetically rolled his way, followed with merciless uprooting, was a tragic comedy of the type you could only expect from Oakland.


I couldn't help but picture Al Davis looking up at the game and scowling.

Eagles 17 Browns 16




Nobody from the Eagles or Browns are going to complain if this game tape disappears. After 6 months of wondering how the Eagles would respond to a disappointing 2011 season, and persisting rumors of Andy Reid's firing not going away, we now have our answer. Horribly. The offense... absent. The defense...the jury is still out. Mike Vick completed 29 of 56 passes with 2 td's and 4 int's. He looked lost. The line didn't protect him. He held the ball WAY too long. His decision making was suspect. The Eagles running game never got going. On the bright side for the Eagles, their much maligned D held Cleveland's offense to 16 points, albeit, Cleveland's offense is what we can describe politely as... shall we say... sub-standard.

For the Browns, what can I even say? They drafted 29 year old rookie QB Brandon Weeden in the 1st round of the 2012 draft as their new savior and replacement to all their problems -- Colt McCoy.

Before the game started there were already clues as to how the day would go. During the national anthem, troops unfolded a giant American flag, spreading it across the field, trapping Weeden beneath in the process. Things only got worse from there.

Weeden wrapped up his NFL debut with a QB rating of 5.1 and 4 int's of his own, the worst debut performance for a QB since sometime back in the 1960's. RB Trent Richardson, the 3rd overall pick in the 2012 draft, had 19 carries for 39 yards. Not what the Browns were hoping for out of last years Heisman winner.

Meanwhile, thanks to LB D'Qwell Jackson's interception returned for a td, the Browns are still in the game with 15-10 lead in the second half. This is when Coach Pat Shurmur has to make his first important decision as an NFL Head Coach.

He could decide to go for two -- attempting to go up by 7 -- or kick the extra point for... whatever reason. The Browns kick the extra point and eventually lose the game 17-16, leaving a fan base well accustomed to losing calling for Shurmur's job after 1 game.








Jets 48 Bills 28

When it comes to the competition of the best looking shirtless QB in NY -- I think we're all winners here. But in regards to the starting job and leading the Jets to a much needed victory -- Sanchez pulled it out in week 1.

 The Jets getting a W should come as a surprise to no one. Rex Ryan candidly explained to the media weeks ago how great the Jets would once again be the greatest team ever to play football  (though this year there would be no guarantee). Rex claimed to feel secure in his position as New York Jets Head Coach for the next 15 years, and with the way the Jets played Sunday, he just might be right.

For once Tim Tebow isn't the center of attention. For all the hype surrounding his arrival to New York, reality turned out to be a lackluster 5 carries for 11 yards and zero pass attempts. As Tebow sat onlooking from the bench for what seemed like 59 minutes, Mark Sanchez put together an impressive campaign, playing each offensive series as though it could be his last.

After an early ugly interception, Sanchez shocked the media, fans, and the world alike by connecting on 19 of 27 passes for 266 yards and 3 td's, seemingly hanging onto his starting job for another week (at least the opening series).







Tebow could only sit and watch in disbelief (I know I did), as the Jets easily scored 48 points against a high-priced, revamped Buffalo Defense without him.



The Jets had only scored 1 td in the entire pre-season! Critics and media routinely disparaged Sanchez, Rex Ryan, Tebow, and the Jets organization throughout the pre-season, the feeling embodied by last weeks cover of the New York Post.

The expensive $100 million addition of DE Mario Williams led to zero sacks and almost no pressure by the Bills. QB Ryan Fitzpatrick, a Harvard grad, has lost 9 out of 10 games since signing his 6 year contract extension worth $59 million.What happens when you combine Mario Williams with Ryan Fitzpatrick... besides not winning? Using a sophisticated computer program and advanced laboratory techniques, I crossed their genetics forecasting the result...

Bernie Madoff screwed New Yorker's out of billions.

But even in those controlled settings, using the brightest Asian minds science has to offer, nobody could have predicted the Jets would score 48 points. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what week 2 brings.









 

Ready Or Not - Here It Comes!

Jerry Sandusky couldn't wait for training camp to open so he could
get his hands on a new season's fresh crop of malleable young talent.

Times have changed. The NFL as a league and a brand has has evolved. Unfortunately the same cannot be said about it's players. The down time between February and August is quickly gaining notoriety as the "arrest" season for football players. So far the tally is at least 29 players arrested since the Superbowl in February, a shocking number that has probably risen since I began writing this article.






While most players seem to recognize and appreciate their opportunity to be a part of the greatest thing known to man, the NFL, others can't seem to stay out of trouble. A few NFL players in particular, snatch dreaded conduct related headlines with the same tenacity as Calvin Johnson bringing down a TD over 2 defenders. 




I've worked out a system for ignoring these flaws in players by simply lowering my standards for humanity in general, but especially for that of NFL players and their conduct. I've now trained my mind to accept that players are going to have a D.U.I. here and some missed child support payments there. No big deal. Marijuana posession? No problem. Even Brandon Marshall's semi-annual spousal abuse charges and night club altercations now get nonchalantly removed from memory with the ease of Pacman Jones peeling off $100 bills at a strip club.

Behavior has become such an epidemic across the league that Pacman Jones, Terrell Owens, and Mike Vick recently were all called in for help. They spoke to rookies at a symposium paid for by the NFL, warning new players of the pitfalls that accompany fame and money. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has cracked down on players, taking a zero-tolerance approach, handing out suspensions and fines like doses of Nyquil at a Sandusky sleepover.

But still, this past off-season has been a particularly active one, and there are a few players that have set themselves apart from the rest of the pack. And of course, a racist, insensitive asshole like me finds it necessary to point out a few of the more entertaining ones.





1. Dez Bryant

When the Cowboys decided to select Bryant with the 24th overall pick in the 2010 NFL Draft, they ignored the red flags and flashing lights of character issues, and instead, banked on the tremendous upside of a fiery, physical wide receiver who could fill the vacancy left by Michael Irvin over a decade ago. The Cowboys were hoping that Dez's talent would be the missing piece of the puzzle that would catapult QB Tony Romo into "elite" quarterback status, and bring the Dallas Cowboys back to playoff relevance.

What they actually got, at least so far, has been something quite different.

If you pay any attention to football you've already heard of Dez Bryant. You may know Dez from his well-documented lack of on-the-field production and open-status for becoming a "bust". Or perhaps you might have heard his name during the 2010 pre-draft process, used most likely in the same sentence with terms like "undraftable" due to "attitude and behavioral issues". You may have heard his story, having been raised in Lufkin, TX, mostly by his mother, who served time behind bars for dealing crack. You may even be one of his 2 or 3 baby-momma's he keeps around town like stash spots for his chronic. But more likely, you first heard his name last off-season, when he stole national headlines for becoming the first Dallas Cowboy to be banned from the upscale North Park Shopping Mall for refusing to pull up his sagging pants.

When Bryant was first approached by a $7.65 an hour mall security guard he immediately went on the defensive. The security guard had received several complaints from shoppers involving a group of African Americans and accusations of indecency. When politely asked, instead of pulling up his pants and apologizing, Bryant and his pack of uniformly drooping co-conspirators became visibly agitated and started causing a scene. Police were called and Bryant was banned from the mall.

 I wear my pants the same way as Dez Bryant does and nobody
ever hassles me about it.

If I told you that at a family dinner, someone allegedly grabbed a family member violently by their hair and clothes and shook that family member around, then slapped that same person across the face with a baseball cap threatening to kill them-- you might be inclined to think dinner at Ike Turner's house. If I then told you that the abused victim is the defendants own mother-- you'd not only be shocked and horrified, you'd be informed of exactly what happened in the Bryant household.


Dez Bryant was facing misdemeanor charges of family assault, before Angela Bryant's better judgement prevailed. She forgave him and after a few days decided to drop the charges. Ms. Bryant tacitly understood that when KFC comes close to running out of its original recipe chicken, all hell breaks loose and sometimes innocent people get hurt.

2. Nate Webster

Instead of living comfortably and quietly with the security offered from a 5 year $11.3 million dollar deal from the Cincinnatti Bengals, Nate Webster decided to step dive head first outside the claustrophobicly suffocating box of common sense and decent moral fortitude by engaging in sexual relations with a 15 year old girl.


The girl also happened to be the daughter of a Bengals assistant coach. She was 15 at the time, him 34. That was too much for the Bengals organization, as well as authorities to ignore. Webster was sentenced to 12 years in prison.











3. Elvis Dumervil


Dumervil and a friend were cruising the streets of Miami, when an altercation involving a firearm occured. Details are still murky. Authorities say it was road rage. Dumervile claims it was self-defense.

According to a quote from Dumervil, it happened like this, "So I hooks a left on two-one and Lewis, some brotha's shootin' dice so I said let's do this. I Jumped out my ride, and said what's up? Some brotha's pulled some gat's so I said... I'm stuck."

That's when a all of a sudden a friend came along and intervened. The friend had this to say: "They got my homey hemmed up and they all around, ain't none of them seeing if they going straight pound for pound. I gotta come up real quick before they start to clown, I best pull out my strap and lay them busta's down."

Dumervil also attempted to justify the incident by stating, "If you smoke like I smoke, then you high like everyday. And if yo' ass is a busta, two-one-three will regulate."

4. Caleb King


Whatever you do, don't tell Caleb King he looks like Eddie Murphy. He's perfectly willing to throw away his image, his life, and his careeer for such an... insult? While at a friend's birthday party, King exploded in rage on a 24 year old man who made such a comparison, leaving the man requiring 50 stitches and possibly permanent brain damage.

Looking like a celebrity such as Eddie Murphy isn't a bad thing. Plus, the resemblance isn't even all that close. It's certainly not nearly as uncanny as that of actor Omar Epps and Steelers Head Coach Mike Tomlin.

Caleb King should be thankful he's not named after a celebrity. Especially a " no-talent ass clown" like Michael Bolton.

5. The Detroit Lions - Seven arrests and counting.

Former Bubba-Gump shrimp boat Captain and current Lions DT, Nick Fairley, was pulled over in his
Cadillac Escalade at 1:00 AM for driving 100 MPH. Fairley has been booked on charges
for D.U.I., and attempting to elude police. This is his second D.U.I. in a 2 month span.

It hasn't been a great off-season for the Lions. Apparently spoiled by last season's relative success, the Lion's now appear to have lost discipline and focus. RB Mikell Leshoure, while commanding very little attention and few headlines on the field, has managed to produce numerous headlines off the field and commanded the attention of Detroit police. Two separate marijuana arrests in less than two months, combined with his track record of injuries, should have him seeing less playing time than a 6 year old rice paddy worker in Bangladesh.

Additionally, OT Johnny Culbreath was arrested in January on a marijuana charge, and CB Aaron Berry was arrested for the second time in a month, charged with aggrivated assault for allegedly pointing a gun at three people. Last week Berry was released by the Lions organization.





The openings of NFL training camps are only days away. Not to worry though, that still leaves plenty of time for a few more arrests!

Society Has Come out of the Closet

Am I the only one who thinks the year long suspension on Sean Payton doled out by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was...excessive? Give me a break Goodell. That's the same length of a suspension that Pacman Jones received, and that was after 12 arrests, including the infamous "making it rain" incident at the Vegas strip club, which left a man paralyzed, and left Jones with charges for attempted murder!

Multiple shootings and 12 arrests in a 24 month span landed Pacman
Jones the same suspension as Sean Payton.

The worst part is that I haven't heard anyone oppose this injustice levied on the Saints. It seems as though most fans not only accept, but agree with this BS suspension. I'm not buying it. Maybe if the NFL league office could cough up some evidence and show me 1 fucking play where this "bounty program" actually affected either, the outcome of the game, or the longevity of another players career, then I would consider accepting it. But no-- no evidence of that whatsoever.


Yeah I heard the locker room speach by Gregg Williams before the 49ers game, but what do you expect to hear? If Goodell has it his way, instead of seeing players getting fired up readying themselves for battle, you're going to see them break into song and dance in some homo-erotic flashmob.



Say goodbye to this:

Say hello to this:

I've heard way too much talk lately about safety in the NFL. Who cares about safety in the NFL? Not me. Safety is all fine and good, as long as it doesn't take away from the excitement or the integrity of the game, and that's exactly what's happening here. You want to talk about affecting the outcome of the games, how about the trend of chicken shit flags being thrown for ghost penalties that didn't happen. There's the real problem with the NFL-- the referees. How many times have you been watching a game where the outcome has been affected by the referees? More than have been affected by bounties, I can promise you that (Especially if Ed Hochuli is involved).

It's gotten so bad, that lately, I've even heard rumors swirling around about eliminating kickoffs, punts, and special teams altogether! Has everyone forgotten that football is a collision sport, played by real men? That's why we watch it!!! If I wanted safety I'd watch baseball, where players can play safely in the MLB until they turn 50, only retiring when the mouth cancer from the chew or the testicular cancer from the roids finally catches up. I fear the NFL will turn into the NBA, where flopping to draw fouls and crying to the referees is accepted and considered the the norm. Maybe Roger Goodell should borrow Reggie Miller or Manu Ginobli, and make them Deputy NFL Commissioners to help ensure this.

The future of the NFL

Let's take a look at a few other notable NFL offenders who's crimes seem worse than Sean Payton's yet the leagues punishment was less:

Ben Roethlisberger:
First offense for sexual assault- no NFL league punishment
Second offense for sexual assault- 6 game suspension

Tank Johnson:
Multiple offenses for weapons charges without league punishment. Police eventually raided his home, finding 6 firearms, 2 of which were loaded assault rifles, all with children present in the house- 8 game suspension

Mike Vick: We all know about Vick. I guess 18 months in the Federal Penitentiary was enough for him.

Chris Henry: 9 arrests in less than 5 years. Displaying the same versatility he showed on the field, his charges ranged from domestic disputes, to breaking and entering, to possession of marijuana. -total of 10 games suspended (before he was eventually murdered).


Brandon Marshall: Has he ever been suspended? The guys beats his wife at least once a week and has a minimum of 40 incidents involving police intervention under his belt.

At any given time, there is at least one Raider on trial for murder. The list goes on and on.

Sometimes the obvious is the most difficult to see.

Gregg Williams and Sean Payton didn't do anything wrong. Have we all forgotten football is an inherently violent sport where crushing, career-ending injuries are fueled by dangerous amounts of roids and HGH and are considered commonplace? Football is a sport for warriors. If you want something kind, gentle, and soft, then go to an Adam Lambert concert, where they'll accept you for being a fruit cake.

I don't want to live in a society where this is accepted and bounties in football are not.

Have we all been so well trained, so nurtured, so saturated with BS political correctness and getting in touch with our emotions that we're all completely pussified? I seem to remember a time not too long ago where you would get your ass beat for doing what makes you cool nowadays. From these Justin Beiber wannabe haircuts to the EMO pants that are so tight they mold testicles into vagina lips-- society has officially come out of the closet. And on that note, are those giant holes in dudes ears custom fitted for their boyfriends to slide their cocks through? I guess I need more sensitivity training.

Back when I was in High School you would've gotten your ass beat for this look.

It's perfectly fine with me if you're gay, or want to allow your kid to be a pussy, I have no problem with that-- but don't fuck with football.

The Farm System. White Men Can't Play... Baseball?

I abandoned baseball a long time ago. After ESPN finishes covering ping-pong and college women's basketball, for some unknown reason those bastard analysts insist on recapping MLB spring training. As if I needed it, this serves as a reminder that life is really gonna suck for the next 6 months. The thought of having to endure 9 LONG months of baseball season and 3 more months of basketball, I begin to question how I'm going to make it all the way to the 2012-13 NFL season.


Sometimes I'm not quick enough to change the channel to QVC or The View, or anything else for that matter, and I'm forced to hear 3 seconds of baseball coverage. I immediately feel anger and spite toward ESPN for stealing those precious 3 seconds of my life that I'll never get back. Other times I instantly fall asleep, as if somehow having been hypnotized by the monotonous sounds and stats that was once America's pastime. When I eventually emerge from this confusing cloud of tedium, ringing in my ears remain the sounds of mariachi music, the craving for something spicy, and the need for a siesta. Where did it come from? What happened? The last thing I remember was watching coverage of the WNBA, trying to figure out which, if any, players aren't lesbians-- then total darkness.


It isn't until several days later I'm able to put all the pieces together. I just stare pensively at the gardener wearing the jersey of his favorite baseball team and the startling realization of what I had seen dawns on me. I can't believe it didn't hit me sooner. The answer all along had been staring me right in the face. I'd been driving right past a huge congregation of them, right there in front of the Home Depot. Mexicans have taken over. I'm not talking about California, gardening, construction, housekeeping, or amusement parks. Those went a long time ago. They've taken over baseball! I hate baseball but still somehow get a little angry. It wasn't bad enough that Mexicans were taking everything else over already, now this? We already gave you soccer, why do you have to come after our American pastime? I shed a tear and long for football season.

The thought of baseball season approaching is too much for Hines Ward to handle emotionally.

All sports suck other than football. Sure, I can distract myself temporarily by rooting against the Miami Heat, and hope that LeBron continues to vanish in the 4th quarter, crumble in the playoffs, and NEVER wins a championship. And of course I can casually glance in the newspaper once a month to check the standings of the most boring sport in the world, just to see if the Yankees have any chance at all of not winning their 76th World Series title, but it just doesn't leave me satisfied the way football does. Especially when dominated by Mexicans!

This old man might be dead, but more likely he's just intensely
concentrating on the exciting baseball action.

I don't watch baseball mainly because it sucks. As if the sport of baseball isn't torturous enough by itself, now when I get free tickets once a year and make the mistake of actually going, I have to be subjected to a starting lineup featuring Manuel Gonzalez, Jose Gonzalez, Jose Gomez, Javier Martinez, and Paco Torres. WTF?!





Thanks to Mexicans, you already can't go to Disneyland, Magic Mountain, or anywhere else that used to be cool when you were a kid. The odds are WAY too high of being crammed in a line 2 hours long, wedged in between a bunch of smelly, sweaty chollos. The men are completely covered in gang tattoo's, and the women have blubber drooping out of every possible clothing exit. Under the arms, the thighs from under their way too small shorts, the back, the neck, and don't forget the bellies.







And they're always dragging around a huge litter of ignorant bambino's grandes, and you can't tell if they are 5 years old or 17 years old. It doesn't really matter though because first of all, there is no paperwork, and also, by either of those ages, chances are they've already dropped out of school and begun their lifelong career of weed-whacking.










Now, whether or not you're a Dodger fan, you now have to wear Dodger blue to the game, or risk getting shanked in the neck by a paroled 2 strike convict in front of your 9 year old son. Fuck the free tickets. That Dodger blue uniform you're being forced to wear costs $250 in the gift shop, and has the name Rodriguez on the back of it. That's where I draw the line. If I didn't already boycott baseball-- I'd boycott baseball!







I have so many questions. What happened to baseball, and how did Mexicans take over? Did they breed everyone else out? Is being 4'11 and weighing a portly 265 lbs. actually an advantage in a sport? Do the players also act as their own groundskeepers? Are there steroids in those roach coach burritos? Where the hell are the black guys?

What kind of a sport isn't dominated by blacks? How are they going to push those annoying horn honking corn carts up the stairs at Dodger Stadium? Is it considered racist if instead of asking for an autograph I ask to see some papers?








Don't all these Mexicans playing in the outfield get sleepy being on all that lush green grass and feel the need for a quick siesta? How do they get treatment for injuries, do sports rehab therapists work at the free medical clinica? Is that 6 a.m. shot of tequila considered a banned substance? If it helps a sinker, is it illegal to sprinkle chilli powder on the ball? I demand some answers damn it!

Lucky for these outfielders baseball is slow, so there is still plenty of time for a nap.

What's even more confusing than the Mexican Mexicans becoming pro baseball players are the black Mexicans. Where the hell are these guys from? I thought blacks only have sex with white women, but apparently, somewhere down the line while cheating on their white women, they managed to squeeze in some latinas. Thanks a lot! Now I'll see a player, think it's a black guy, and say to myself, "ah ok, there are still a few real athletes in baseball", only to hear him spout off indecipherable mui rapido espanol in the post game press conference, via translator. I also find it ironic that these 3rd world country's are technically considered U.S. territories, when most people I know generally now consider California as Mexico's territory.

Am I the only person that finds it annoying that these players don't even have the decency to learn the language? They need a fucking translator to explain to the media that they're holding out during spring training because the Giants insulted them with a meager offer of 8 years worth $85 million, instead of the 10 year $120 million they're really worth. How quickly they forget that they were picking spinach for $4 an hour not too long ago.


Who's gonna do all the gardening and toilet cleaning if things keep going the way they have been? certainly not a self-respecting white person like me.

20 years ago, who could have guessed that your fat, former gardener, Paco Torres,
would be crushing 475 ft. homers out center field?

Don't get me wrong, I'm perfectly willing to sacrifice white players in any sport, as long as they're replaced by stronger, faster, better athletes-- black players.


The NBA is 98% black for a reason. It takes real athleticism. The only reason it isn't 100% black is because they now require players to be 1 year removed from High School, and that proves kinda tricky for many black athletes. Just because at 11 years old little Jamal is good enough to start for the Washington Wizards, finishing the 7th grade with a "D" average no longer counts as being eligible for the NBA draft. Fuck you David Stern (NBA Commissioner)! Next you're going to be requiring these prime athletic specimens to read and write! It's a good thing Lebron got in when he did.






I feel for Shaquanda. I know she has 14 or 15 other kids to worry about, and that welfare checks don't make it too far in this economy, now she's going to have to try and keep Jamal in school and out of prison for one more year until he's eligible-- good luck with that! It's not like the father is around to help out either, she's all on her own for this one.

Jamal might not be able to read or write, but he will be marking an X on the
dotted line worth $100 million soon enough, even if he has to wait one more year.

I know it sucks. I know life isn't fair. I realize your ancestors, 20 generations ago, were slaves. I get it. But all we're asking is to keep it to only 2 strikes by your 23rd birthday (that's when they "graduate" High School) and everything is gonna be fine. And don't worry, those other 11 misdemeanors won't even be acknowledged as long as you can shoot 85% or better from the free throw line. Just keep it together a little longer. As long as you commit your transgressions amongst your own people there shouldn't be much of a problem.

Just keep it together a bit longer Jamal,
soon you'll be able to make it rain and have all the white women you can desire.

I personally don't appreciate NBA Commissioner David Stern's antics of trying to limit the opportunity of young black men to head into the illustrious world of professional sports. If he doesn't lighten up his stance on being 1 year removed from High School, soon Mexicans will be taking that over as well! (Wait, they don't graduate either.) If an athlete is ready to play, let him play! It's not like Kobe Bryant was going to decide to become an Astronaut or a Nuclear Physicist had he gone to one year of college. What's the big deal? If at 7 years old he's ready to make his career move, let him do it. I'm 32 and still haven't made mine. Let him get ahead of the game, life is too short, and luckily for basketball and football, so are Mexicans.