The Farm System. White Men Can't Play... Baseball?

I abandoned baseball a long time ago. After ESPN finishes covering ping-pong and college women's basketball, for some unknown reason those bastard analysts insist on recapping MLB spring training. As if I needed it, this serves as a reminder that life is really gonna suck for the next 6 months. The thought of having to endure 9 LONG months of baseball season and 3 more months of basketball, I begin to question how I'm going to make it all the way to the 2012-13 NFL season.


Sometimes I'm not quick enough to change the channel to QVC or The View, or anything else for that matter, and I'm forced to hear 3 seconds of baseball coverage. I immediately feel anger and spite toward ESPN for stealing those precious 3 seconds of my life that I'll never get back. Other times I instantly fall asleep, as if somehow having been hypnotized by the monotonous sounds and stats that was once America's pastime. When I eventually emerge from this confusing cloud of tedium, ringing in my ears remain the sounds of mariachi music, the craving for something spicy, and the need for a siesta. Where did it come from? What happened? The last thing I remember was watching coverage of the WNBA, trying to figure out which, if any, players aren't lesbians-- then total darkness.


It isn't until several days later I'm able to put all the pieces together. I just stare pensively at the gardener wearing the jersey of his favorite baseball team and the startling realization of what I had seen dawns on me. I can't believe it didn't hit me sooner. The answer all along had been staring me right in the face. I'd been driving right past a huge congregation of them, right there in front of the Home Depot. Mexicans have taken over. I'm not talking about California, gardening, construction, housekeeping, or amusement parks. Those went a long time ago. They've taken over baseball! I hate baseball but still somehow get a little angry. It wasn't bad enough that Mexicans were taking everything else over already, now this? We already gave you soccer, why do you have to come after our American pastime? I shed a tear and long for football season.

The thought of baseball season approaching is too much for Hines Ward to handle emotionally.

All sports suck other than football. Sure, I can distract myself temporarily by rooting against the Miami Heat, and hope that LeBron continues to vanish in the 4th quarter, crumble in the playoffs, and NEVER wins a championship. And of course I can casually glance in the newspaper once a month to check the standings of the most boring sport in the world, just to see if the Yankees have any chance at all of not winning their 76th World Series title, but it just doesn't leave me satisfied the way football does. Especially when dominated by Mexicans!

This old man might be dead, but more likely he's just intensely
concentrating on the exciting baseball action.

I don't watch baseball mainly because it sucks. As if the sport of baseball isn't torturous enough by itself, now when I get free tickets once a year and make the mistake of actually going, I have to be subjected to a starting lineup featuring Manuel Gonzalez, Jose Gonzalez, Jose Gomez, Javier Martinez, and Paco Torres. WTF?!





Thanks to Mexicans, you already can't go to Disneyland, Magic Mountain, or anywhere else that used to be cool when you were a kid. The odds are WAY too high of being crammed in a line 2 hours long, wedged in between a bunch of smelly, sweaty chollos. The men are completely covered in gang tattoo's, and the women have blubber drooping out of every possible clothing exit. Under the arms, the thighs from under their way too small shorts, the back, the neck, and don't forget the bellies.







And they're always dragging around a huge litter of ignorant bambino's grandes, and you can't tell if they are 5 years old or 17 years old. It doesn't really matter though because first of all, there is no paperwork, and also, by either of those ages, chances are they've already dropped out of school and begun their lifelong career of weed-whacking.










Now, whether or not you're a Dodger fan, you now have to wear Dodger blue to the game, or risk getting shanked in the neck by a paroled 2 strike convict in front of your 9 year old son. Fuck the free tickets. That Dodger blue uniform you're being forced to wear costs $250 in the gift shop, and has the name Rodriguez on the back of it. That's where I draw the line. If I didn't already boycott baseball-- I'd boycott baseball!







I have so many questions. What happened to baseball, and how did Mexicans take over? Did they breed everyone else out? Is being 4'11 and weighing a portly 265 lbs. actually an advantage in a sport? Do the players also act as their own groundskeepers? Are there steroids in those roach coach burritos? Where the hell are the black guys?

What kind of a sport isn't dominated by blacks? How are they going to push those annoying horn honking corn carts up the stairs at Dodger Stadium? Is it considered racist if instead of asking for an autograph I ask to see some papers?








Don't all these Mexicans playing in the outfield get sleepy being on all that lush green grass and feel the need for a quick siesta? How do they get treatment for injuries, do sports rehab therapists work at the free medical clinica? Is that 6 a.m. shot of tequila considered a banned substance? If it helps a sinker, is it illegal to sprinkle chilli powder on the ball? I demand some answers damn it!

Lucky for these outfielders baseball is slow, so there is still plenty of time for a nap.

What's even more confusing than the Mexican Mexicans becoming pro baseball players are the black Mexicans. Where the hell are these guys from? I thought blacks only have sex with white women, but apparently, somewhere down the line while cheating on their white women, they managed to squeeze in some latinas. Thanks a lot! Now I'll see a player, think it's a black guy, and say to myself, "ah ok, there are still a few real athletes in baseball", only to hear him spout off indecipherable mui rapido espanol in the post game press conference, via translator. I also find it ironic that these 3rd world country's are technically considered U.S. territories, when most people I know generally now consider California as Mexico's territory.

Am I the only person that finds it annoying that these players don't even have the decency to learn the language? They need a fucking translator to explain to the media that they're holding out during spring training because the Giants insulted them with a meager offer of 8 years worth $85 million, instead of the 10 year $120 million they're really worth. How quickly they forget that they were picking spinach for $4 an hour not too long ago.


Who's gonna do all the gardening and toilet cleaning if things keep going the way they have been? certainly not a self-respecting white person like me.

20 years ago, who could have guessed that your fat, former gardener, Paco Torres,
would be crushing 475 ft. homers out center field?

Don't get me wrong, I'm perfectly willing to sacrifice white players in any sport, as long as they're replaced by stronger, faster, better athletes-- black players.


The NBA is 98% black for a reason. It takes real athleticism. The only reason it isn't 100% black is because they now require players to be 1 year removed from High School, and that proves kinda tricky for many black athletes. Just because at 11 years old little Jamal is good enough to start for the Washington Wizards, finishing the 7th grade with a "D" average no longer counts as being eligible for the NBA draft. Fuck you David Stern (NBA Commissioner)! Next you're going to be requiring these prime athletic specimens to read and write! It's a good thing Lebron got in when he did.






I feel for Shaquanda. I know she has 14 or 15 other kids to worry about, and that welfare checks don't make it too far in this economy, now she's going to have to try and keep Jamal in school and out of prison for one more year until he's eligible-- good luck with that! It's not like the father is around to help out either, she's all on her own for this one.

Jamal might not be able to read or write, but he will be marking an X on the
dotted line worth $100 million soon enough, even if he has to wait one more year.

I know it sucks. I know life isn't fair. I realize your ancestors, 20 generations ago, were slaves. I get it. But all we're asking is to keep it to only 2 strikes by your 23rd birthday (that's when they "graduate" High School) and everything is gonna be fine. And don't worry, those other 11 misdemeanors won't even be acknowledged as long as you can shoot 85% or better from the free throw line. Just keep it together a little longer. As long as you commit your transgressions amongst your own people there shouldn't be much of a problem.

Just keep it together a bit longer Jamal,
soon you'll be able to make it rain and have all the white women you can desire.

I personally don't appreciate NBA Commissioner David Stern's antics of trying to limit the opportunity of young black men to head into the illustrious world of professional sports. If he doesn't lighten up his stance on being 1 year removed from High School, soon Mexicans will be taking that over as well! (Wait, they don't graduate either.) If an athlete is ready to play, let him play! It's not like Kobe Bryant was going to decide to become an Astronaut or a Nuclear Physicist had he gone to one year of college. What's the big deal? If at 7 years old he's ready to make his career move, let him do it. I'm 32 and still haven't made mine. Let him get ahead of the game, life is too short, and luckily for basketball and football, so are Mexicans.