Top 4 NFL Offseason (Non) Stories

Although the 2012/13 NFL season officially ended with Ravens quarterback and Sesame Street understudy Joe Flacco hoisting the Lombardi trophy, there are still plenty of storyline's to keep us die-hard  NFL fans distracted from the rapid approach of baseball season.

1. Joe Flacco signs 6 year, $120 million contract extension.

Not even Flacco's mother could have predicted that one day her special little boy would go down in the history books as a Superbowl champion and the game's MVP. After signing a nine figure deal with $52 million of that guaranteed, I bet the "cool" kids that used to tease him as he boarded the short bus wish they had been a little nicer.

Joe Cool put together one of the most remarkable post season runs in NFL history. His 11 post season touchdowns without an interception is tied with the great Joe Montana as the best post season for a quarterback ever. Flacco also made history by becoming the first quarterback to make the post season in all of his first 5 seasons in the NFL.

2. Manti Te'o

By far, this off-season's biggest story is that of the imaginary girlfriend of Notre Dame linebacker and Heisman runner-up Manti Te'o. In addition to traditional sports news channels, Manti's picture was plastered across Fox, CNN, MSNBC, and every other known source of reporting for what seemed like forever. As much as I wanted to, there was no avoiding this "story". Even secretive Taliban terror cells training in the most remote areas of Afghanistan reached their boiling point and started tweeting coveted, closely guarded secrets of their organization, surrendering the information after being force-fed hundreds of hours of the most intimate details of Manti's bizarre personal life. Unfortunately the State Department was unable to respond to this information as they were on forced paid leave due to the current budget sequestration.










(In terrible 7-11 Indian accent) "WTF man! Why did they cancel
Desperate Housewives to put Manti Te'o on every channel?"

To me, the real story about Manti is the fact the 6'1 241 lb. Te'o ran a 4.82 40 yard dash and a 4.27 20 yard shuttle time at the 2013 NFL Scouting Combine -- not good. That's near the bottom for linebackers. To put that into perspective, Eric Fisher, a 6'7 306 lb. offensive tackle ran a 5.05 40 yard dash with a 4.44 20 yard shuttle.

With all the television cameras focused on him,
Manti's slow 40 time capped-off a sub-par combine performance.

3. Lauren Silberman

Once all of the Poi had been drained from the Manti Te'o story the blood-thirsty media became desperate for its next non-story to latch onto. They found it in Lauren Silberman.

Wishing to follow in the footsteps of a bevy of brave women leaders, an unknown graduate student from MIT set out to accomplish something that historical pioneers like Rosa Parks, Susan B. Anthony, and Harriet Tubman never could. Lauren Silberman became the first female ever to try out for the NFL at a regional scouting combine.

Silberman first gained undeserved notoriety last month when she boasted to nfl.com that she could kick field goals from 60 yards. 30 reporters, including cameras from E News and TMZ showed up to watch the debacle unfold. They would not be disappointed.

Contrary to the way Joe Flacco shocked the world by outperforming the wildest expectations of his critics, Lauren Silberman showed all of America that her doubters had set the bar WAY too high.

She attempted two kicks, the furthest traveling 13 yards before leaving with an injury.

I've seen kicks travel further during halftimes when to fill time the NFL brings out the 7-9 year olds to compete in its Punt, Pass, Kick competition. Way to go Silberman.

4. Jamarcus Russel

 

 

 

Arguably the biggest draft "bust" of all time, Jamarcus Russell has announced that he plans to return to the NFL. That's like David Hasselhoff saying he's returning to making great music -- or Casey Anthony saying she's returning to mothering. It can't happen.

The Oakland Raiders is usually the place you wind up when all the other teams have already given up on you -- and Russell forever lowered what we previously thought to be the lowest possible level of NFL quarterback play for a Raider.

After being drafted with the first overall pick in the 2007 NFL Draft and signing a contract worth $61 million, with $32 million of that guaranteed, Russell managed to start only 25 games, going 7-18 before being released in 2010. He's been out of the NFL ever since, a remarkable feat that makes Ryan Leaf cringe.

At only 27 years old, Russell is now planning a comeback. The only problem is he currently weighs somewhere around 308 lbs. NFL network will be providing us lucky fans with an inside glimpse to his progress. They will be documenting the entire process, probably to use as an educational video to warn troubled youth of the hazards associated with the pitfalls of professional sports. The video will be made available to the public soon, but if you order now we'll throw in Bobby Brown's tips to becoming a good husband absolutely free! Order Now!