Politically correct NFL Re-names, AFC West edition

It's here! My list of NFL team names that just have to go. Goodbye cool team names that we love, hello future!

The Washington Redskins have been the topic of a lot of intense debate lately. The few moments national sports media analysts aren't scrutinizing Johnny Maziel's every move, or connecting Donald Sterling to the Third Reich, they're discussing the inevitable name change coming in Washington D.C. Like it or not, it will become a reality.  When Redskins team owner, Daniel Snyder, isn't busy spreading bombs full of Ebola across Africa, or funding North Korean long-range nuclear weapons systems, he spends his time offending Native American tribes by fighting to keep the Redskins name in tact.  This is a losing battle. Snyder's clinging to a name that offends the group of people most synonimous with American maltreatment, just because it's his source of multi-billion dollar revenue. What a horrible person!


I love the Redskins name, and love what it represents in my mind. When I hear Redskins, I envision Tomahawks being violently tossed by warriors heading into battle, scalping enemies, and cutting out their still beating heart - and that is exactly the problem. Snyder needs a reality check, and needs to accept that his beloved team name, the Redskins, will at some point in fact be changed whether he agrees with it or not. That much is for sure.  It's just the society we all live in.

The original Redskins logo was not approved by the NFL

A less offensive name change doesn't mean it will be changed to something good. On the contrary, I can almost guarantee that the new name will be horrible, and sound like it belongs to a 5th grade after school kickball team. I can't think of a single modern professional team name that has been changed for the better. Remember the Washington Bullets? Too many shootings in D.C. - offensive - name changed. The Bullets became the Wizards, and, in a touch of irony, the team has had far more incidents involving bullets since changing their name (Thanks a lot Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton!).

The Houston Colt 45's? Practically dead on arrival, the 45's became the Astros after only 3 MLB seasons. The Tampa Bay Devil Rays - oh boy - this name reminded us all that just outside almost every major city in America, the grip of 21st century, scientific evidence based reason, is losened wider than my B-hole after eating a 6-pack of Taco Bell's spicy nacho cheese Doritos Chalupas, and that we're still a country of Creationist, Bible-swinging, Jesus lovers. Poof! Just like that the lowly Devil Worshipers, er, Devil Rays, became the Rays. The new, Jesus-approved Rays, went all the way to the World Series the following year as though they were stroked by the hand of God in an act of Divine Intervention.


The Redskins are not alone, start accepting it now. Other NFL names are not sacred or untouchable, and more names you had no idea were offensive will soon be on the chopping block. After all, almost every NFL team name could potentially offend someone, so I'm going to be proactive and rename them now, just because I'm a forward thinking guy and like to stay ahead of the curve. Which current names are offensive or not offensive? I have no idea, so let's just say all of them. We wouldn't want to offend anyone by saying their team name isn't as offensive as the others right? That would be "labeling", and that's a no-no. The only thing that I know for a fact is offensive, is everything on this blog - so without further ado...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

AFC West

 

 

 

The Kansas City Chiefs

 

 

I'm not sure that being called a chief is actually offensive to anyone, but it certainly implies a connection with native American culture, so just like the Redskins, it's gotta go, and it's gotta go quickly. No need for the Hunt family (owners) to recklessly risk everything by keeping a potentially offensive name they've had without complaint since 1963! I think Hitler's title, The Fuhrer, meant chief. It actually translates to leader but it's the same thing. Besides, the U.S. is socialist now, and where there is one chief, there are many minions, and implying any sort of autocratic, unequal distribution of power and wealth in a team name cannot be tolerated.

 

 

Suggested rename: Kansas City Equals

 

 

 

 

San Diego Chargers

 

 

Holy cow this one is offensive! Doesn't the Spanos family know that on average, 73 Americans die each year from lightning related injuries? That makes it like, the 734th leading cause of death in the U.S., one spot behind lighting your own farts while tight rope walking between two jetliners... midair! There is no room for insensitivity like this.

 

 

Suggested rename: San Diego Advocates for Stopping Static Electricity Strikes,

or, San Diego A.S.S.E.S. for short. Has a nice ring to it!

 

 

 

Oakland Raiders

 

 

Although most citizens of Oakland do happen to posess the same principles as violent 16th century pirates, and even more posess at least one semi-automatic assault weapon and have a criminal background, not all of them do... I'm fairly certain. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OK I'm not that certain, but still, the name has to go. Any kind of piracy is bad. Whether it be full-fledge looting and pillaging, illegal bootlegging of DVD's, or the Captain Phillips, Somalian type of piracy, we cannot have it in the NFL. We will allow a small degree of butt piracy, Michael Sam has proven that (is it just coincidence the NFL's first openly gay player plays on the Rams?).

 

However - in keeping with the theme of piracy, and the team name is still to reflect an entity or person in which receives large amounts of funding, without providing any goods or service in return, and is not subjected to the rigid tax laws of common, working Americans, I have just the replacement name.

 

Suggested rename: Oakland Congesssional Representatives (Congressman is sexist)

 

 

 

 

 

Denver Broncos

 

 

 

If Michael Vick has taught us anything, it's that we Americans love our pets. We love pets WAY more than we love people. For his involvement in a dog fighting ring, Michael Vick received 20 months in federal prison and was immediately suspended by the NFL indefinitely. In contrast, Baltimore Ravens RB Ray Rice, changed up his training regimen this offseason, deciding to forego his traditional weight training program, replacing it with a new type of extracurricular activity. His arduous training included 2-a-days, of smacking around his girlfriend, followed by dragging her out of an elevator by her hair. His punishment? Rice received a 2 game suspension by the NFL, zero jail time, and a lifetime of marriage with the battered woman he now calls his fiance. The point is, animals have more rights than people.

 

 

The term "Bronco", implies an untrained horse living in the wild, or a horse that bucks often, that has not yet been broken. The Wild and Free-Roaming Horses and Burros Act of 1971, prevents the capture of mustangs from the wild for commercial use. The term bronco reminds us of all the egregious acts committed by man onto horse throughout the American westward expansion and period of the wild west. Even the term "untrained", implied within the word bronco, is offensive. I prefer free-spirited, and I'm sure the horses do to. The majority of today's horses are well disciplined and flawlessly trained. Horses have rights too damn it. The outdated, offensive stereotype, Denver Broncos, needs to go.

 

 

Suggested rename: Free-Spirited Animals Against Generalization Stereotypes or F.A.A.G.S.

 

 

The Denver FAAGS.  Rolls right off the tongue!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I feel like we all grew together today and that I'm a better person now. I hope you all learned something here too and are more sensitive, caring people as a result of reading this. You all get a trophy for participation!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Top 4 NFL Offseason (Non) Stories

Although the 2012/13 NFL season officially ended with Ravens quarterback and Sesame Street understudy Joe Flacco hoisting the Lombardi trophy, there are still plenty of storyline's to keep us die-hard  NFL fans distracted from the rapid approach of baseball season.

1. Joe Flacco signs 6 year, $120 million contract extension.

Not even Flacco's mother could have predicted that one day her special little boy would go down in the history books as a Superbowl champion and the game's MVP. After signing a nine figure deal with $52 million of that guaranteed, I bet the "cool" kids that used to tease him as he boarded the short bus wish they had been a little nicer.

Joe Cool put together one of the most remarkable post season runs in NFL history. His 11 post season touchdowns without an interception is tied with the great Joe Montana as the best post season for a quarterback ever. Flacco also made history by becoming the first quarterback to make the post season in all of his first 5 seasons in the NFL.

2. Manti Te'o

By far, this off-season's biggest story is that of the imaginary girlfriend of Notre Dame linebacker and Heisman runner-up Manti Te'o. In addition to traditional sports news channels, Manti's picture was plastered across Fox, CNN, MSNBC, and every other known source of reporting for what seemed like forever. As much as I wanted to, there was no avoiding this "story". Even secretive Taliban terror cells training in the most remote areas of Afghanistan reached their boiling point and started tweeting coveted, closely guarded secrets of their organization, surrendering the information after being force-fed hundreds of hours of the most intimate details of Manti's bizarre personal life. Unfortunately the State Department was unable to respond to this information as they were on forced paid leave due to the current budget sequestration.










(In terrible 7-11 Indian accent) "WTF man! Why did they cancel
Desperate Housewives to put Manti Te'o on every channel?"

To me, the real story about Manti is the fact the 6'1 241 lb. Te'o ran a 4.82 40 yard dash and a 4.27 20 yard shuttle time at the 2013 NFL Scouting Combine -- not good. That's near the bottom for linebackers. To put that into perspective, Eric Fisher, a 6'7 306 lb. offensive tackle ran a 5.05 40 yard dash with a 4.44 20 yard shuttle.

With all the television cameras focused on him,
Manti's slow 40 time capped-off a sub-par combine performance.

3. Lauren Silberman

Once all of the Poi had been drained from the Manti Te'o story the blood-thirsty media became desperate for its next non-story to latch onto. They found it in Lauren Silberman.

Wishing to follow in the footsteps of a bevy of brave women leaders, an unknown graduate student from MIT set out to accomplish something that historical pioneers like Rosa Parks, Susan B. Anthony, and Harriet Tubman never could. Lauren Silberman became the first female ever to try out for the NFL at a regional scouting combine.

Silberman first gained undeserved notoriety last month when she boasted to nfl.com that she could kick field goals from 60 yards. 30 reporters, including cameras from E News and TMZ showed up to watch the debacle unfold. They would not be disappointed.

Contrary to the way Joe Flacco shocked the world by outperforming the wildest expectations of his critics, Lauren Silberman showed all of America that her doubters had set the bar WAY too high.

She attempted two kicks, the furthest traveling 13 yards before leaving with an injury.

I've seen kicks travel further during halftimes when to fill time the NFL brings out the 7-9 year olds to compete in its Punt, Pass, Kick competition. Way to go Silberman.

4. Jamarcus Russel

 

 

 

Arguably the biggest draft "bust" of all time, Jamarcus Russell has announced that he plans to return to the NFL. That's like David Hasselhoff saying he's returning to making great music -- or Casey Anthony saying she's returning to mothering. It can't happen.

The Oakland Raiders is usually the place you wind up when all the other teams have already given up on you -- and Russell forever lowered what we previously thought to be the lowest possible level of NFL quarterback play for a Raider.

After being drafted with the first overall pick in the 2007 NFL Draft and signing a contract worth $61 million, with $32 million of that guaranteed, Russell managed to start only 25 games, going 7-18 before being released in 2010. He's been out of the NFL ever since, a remarkable feat that makes Ryan Leaf cringe.

At only 27 years old, Russell is now planning a comeback. The only problem is he currently weighs somewhere around 308 lbs. NFL network will be providing us lucky fans with an inside glimpse to his progress. They will be documenting the entire process, probably to use as an educational video to warn troubled youth of the hazards associated with the pitfalls of professional sports. The video will be made available to the public soon, but if you order now we'll throw in Bobby Brown's tips to becoming a good husband absolutely free! Order Now!











 

Nucleus Disaster

After beginning the season 3-3, the Cowboys have dropped back-to-back games, losing to the Giants and Falcons. They now find themselves sitting at 3-5 halfway through another substandard season.



What seems to be the problem in Big D? How can a team with so much talent continue to underachieve year after year?



These questions quickly lead to talk about Tony Romo, turnovers, and his overall poor play at the quarterback position. Romo has already thrown 13 picks through 8 games (most in the NFL) after throwing only 10 all of last season.





Romo's QB rating of 82.2 is the lowest of his career so Romo certainly deserves his share of the blame. But if you scratch just slightly beneath the surface, you'll see that the Cowboys problems are much deeper than just Romo.







Jason Garrett's coaching seat is getting hotter by the day and rightfully so. The Cowboys play calling has been horrific. Game and clock management has been God awful. Jason Garrett has not prepared his players well for games, has not coached them well, and frankly seems over matched by the level of coaching in the National Football League. If things don't improve drastically and immediately don't expect to see Garrett back in 2013. But let's dig a little deeper into the Cowboys problems and see what we find.

 The bad play calling is due in part because of the injuries at the running back position. As a result of the injuries to Felix Jones and Demarco Murray, the Cowboys running game has been non-existent. They currently rank 30th in the league in rushing yards with 667. The absolute ineffectiveness of the running game has caused Garrett to try to overcompensate with the passing game, a move that has so far backfired. Romo has had to throw the ball more and more, and is currently on pace for 636 pass attempts this season, a total that would eclipse his career-high mark of 550 pass attempts, set back in 2009. This unbalanced offensive attack has allowed opposing defenses to successfully game-plan for them.

And then there's numero uno. The head honcho. The face of the franchise. The man with the final say. The checkbook.

 Jerry Jones' refusal to bring in a general manager is costing this franchise. Winning Superbowl titles in the mid-nineties doesn't make you a great general manager today. From a marketing and branding standpoint, Jones' leadership of the franchise is simply brilliant. The fact that the Cowboys are worth nearly $2 billion substantiates that point. However, those same results in the form of wins have not transpired onto the field.

Most of the big-name talent on the team today can be traced back to Bill Parcels, who coached the Cowboys from 2003 through 2006. If you think Demarcus Ware, Miles Austin, Tony Romo and Jason Witten are some of the better players on the team -- thank Coach Parcells. Parcells last season as head coach of the Cowboys was 2006, and for good reason.

That year they started with respected veteran Drew Bledsoe at QB. His backup was an undrafted nobody from nowhere named Tony Roma, like the rib place. Then in week 6, Bledsoe went down for the year and Tony Romo emerged. Unfortunately for Parcells, stories of underdog heroics and first round playoff exits weren't enough to satisfy Jerry Jones' insatiable appetite for the spotlight. Jones has always possessed a penchant for big-name, attention getting talent, and 2006 was no exception. 

Against the advice of coach Parcells, locker room cancer Terrell Owens was brought in to do the job of poisoning the promising team chemistry.

And that he did. Just like he did in San Francisco and Philadelphia. Just like everyone knew he would. Along with a few touchdowns, Owens brought drama, media attention, and an above the team me-first attitude.


The Cowboys didn't win the Division but still managed to make the playoffs that year, then lost in the first round to Seattle, when Romo botched the hold on a go-ahead field goal in the final 2 minutes of the game. But the poison had already taken effect. No longer were there 53 warriors going to battle each week, watching each other's backs -- they were now 52 and 1.


I'm not pinning the Cowboys problems on Terrell Owens, far from it. I'm pinning a great deal on Jerry Jones for cultivating the type of atmosphere that not only permits, but embraces that type of behavior. Jones needs to be held accountable because I see exactly that same thing happening on their team right now with Dez Bryant.


Bottom line: Team Chemistry. Some teams have it -- most don't.








Let me give an example of another type of locker room cancer:



Coach Chuck Pagano and The 2012 Indianapolis Colts.

Let's not forget that last year, the Colts going 0-16 and Peyton Manning never again playing football were both very real possibilities. Curtis Painter took over for Manning at QB, leading a perennial AFC powerhouse into the 2011 season.

Before the season began, it was widely believed that if former Lingerie Football League standout Curtis Painter, could just manage games and not turn the ball over, that somehow their season would be OK. The Colts nation crossed their fingers in hopes that somehow the absence of their quarterback and leader would somehow go unnoticed. Coach Jim Caldwell and GM Bill Polian banked their jobs on it.

14 losses later, the Colts received the 1st overall pick in the 2012 NFL Draft, and number 18 was holding up an orange jersey.

Now, after less than a year, only one NFL draft, and losing much of their star power to free agency, trades, and sweeping organizational changes, the 2012 Colts have rallied to 5-3, finding themselves in the thick of the AFC Playoff hunt.


How? Is Andrew Luck that good?



Team Chemistry



The week leading up to the Green Bay game was going to be the test of Chuck Pagano's young head coaching career. The Colts were 1-2, heading into an early season bye-week with a lot of work ahead. The players and coaches earned a few days off before a greuling week of preperation in anticipation of Aaron Rodgers and Green Bay.

Then everything changed.

Coach Pagano was diagnosed with Leukemia.

The teams focus shifted -- concentration intensified. Coach Pagano became a symbol of strength. The Colts defeated the Packers that week 30-27, and including that game have gone 4-1.

This last week, coach Pagano was able to attend a game for the first time in a month. Even if only as a spectator, he was able to see his team play for him, and defeat the Miami Dolphins 23-20.

After the game the team presented coach Pagano with the game ball.

That, is team chemistry. And that, is a winning nucleus.






 

GENESIS 1:1 In the beginning...

The more things change, the more they are the same.

ALPHONSE KARR, Les Guepes

 

WEEK 1 REVIEW



Happy 9/11 everyone! I can't believe football is back and week 1 is in the books. So many great storylines, so many things that deserve my negative attention. Here are a few that captured my attention.


Perhaps I should begin by posing a question. Which do you believe will happen first:


A.Mitt Romney releases his tax returns


B. Trojan launches a new "specialty" condom line specifically targeting Asians

C.The Oakland Raiders commit fewer than 10 penalties in a game.


D. None of the above



Chargers 22 Raiders14

Fact: If you combine atrocious offense with abysmal special teams -- you get a 22-14 Raiders loss at home in the season opener. A mediocre performance by the Chargers was more than enough to complete the humiliation of Oakland.

To be clear, I'm not surprised at all by the Raiders opening their 2012 regular season with an L, but after the off-season house cleaning executed by the organization, I expected a tad bit more. 

It's tough to pin a teams loss on one individual player, but backup long-snapper Travis Goethel had the kind of game that will cause him many sleepless nights for years to come. Shouldn't punting be the one area the Raiders excel at? Along with... maybe... field goals? Watching perennial Pro Bowler Punter, Shane Lechler, attempt to scoop up the grounders Goethel pathetically rolled his way, followed with merciless uprooting, was a tragic comedy of the type you could only expect from Oakland.


I couldn't help but picture Al Davis looking up at the game and scowling.

Eagles 17 Browns 16




Nobody from the Eagles or Browns are going to complain if this game tape disappears. After 6 months of wondering how the Eagles would respond to a disappointing 2011 season, and persisting rumors of Andy Reid's firing not going away, we now have our answer. Horribly. The offense... absent. The defense...the jury is still out. Mike Vick completed 29 of 56 passes with 2 td's and 4 int's. He looked lost. The line didn't protect him. He held the ball WAY too long. His decision making was suspect. The Eagles running game never got going. On the bright side for the Eagles, their much maligned D held Cleveland's offense to 16 points, albeit, Cleveland's offense is what we can describe politely as... shall we say... sub-standard.

For the Browns, what can I even say? They drafted 29 year old rookie QB Brandon Weeden in the 1st round of the 2012 draft as their new savior and replacement to all their problems -- Colt McCoy.

Before the game started there were already clues as to how the day would go. During the national anthem, troops unfolded a giant American flag, spreading it across the field, trapping Weeden beneath in the process. Things only got worse from there.

Weeden wrapped up his NFL debut with a QB rating of 5.1 and 4 int's of his own, the worst debut performance for a QB since sometime back in the 1960's. RB Trent Richardson, the 3rd overall pick in the 2012 draft, had 19 carries for 39 yards. Not what the Browns were hoping for out of last years Heisman winner.

Meanwhile, thanks to LB D'Qwell Jackson's interception returned for a td, the Browns are still in the game with 15-10 lead in the second half. This is when Coach Pat Shurmur has to make his first important decision as an NFL Head Coach.

He could decide to go for two -- attempting to go up by 7 -- or kick the extra point for... whatever reason. The Browns kick the extra point and eventually lose the game 17-16, leaving a fan base well accustomed to losing calling for Shurmur's job after 1 game.








Jets 48 Bills 28

When it comes to the competition of the best looking shirtless QB in NY -- I think we're all winners here. But in regards to the starting job and leading the Jets to a much needed victory -- Sanchez pulled it out in week 1.

 The Jets getting a W should come as a surprise to no one. Rex Ryan candidly explained to the media weeks ago how great the Jets would once again be the greatest team ever to play football  (though this year there would be no guarantee). Rex claimed to feel secure in his position as New York Jets Head Coach for the next 15 years, and with the way the Jets played Sunday, he just might be right.

For once Tim Tebow isn't the center of attention. For all the hype surrounding his arrival to New York, reality turned out to be a lackluster 5 carries for 11 yards and zero pass attempts. As Tebow sat onlooking from the bench for what seemed like 59 minutes, Mark Sanchez put together an impressive campaign, playing each offensive series as though it could be his last.

After an early ugly interception, Sanchez shocked the media, fans, and the world alike by connecting on 19 of 27 passes for 266 yards and 3 td's, seemingly hanging onto his starting job for another week (at least the opening series).







Tebow could only sit and watch in disbelief (I know I did), as the Jets easily scored 48 points against a high-priced, revamped Buffalo Defense without him.



The Jets had only scored 1 td in the entire pre-season! Critics and media routinely disparaged Sanchez, Rex Ryan, Tebow, and the Jets organization throughout the pre-season, the feeling embodied by last weeks cover of the New York Post.

The expensive $100 million addition of DE Mario Williams led to zero sacks and almost no pressure by the Bills. QB Ryan Fitzpatrick, a Harvard grad, has lost 9 out of 10 games since signing his 6 year contract extension worth $59 million.What happens when you combine Mario Williams with Ryan Fitzpatrick... besides not winning? Using a sophisticated computer program and advanced laboratory techniques, I crossed their genetics forecasting the result...

Bernie Madoff screwed New Yorker's out of billions.

But even in those controlled settings, using the brightest Asian minds science has to offer, nobody could have predicted the Jets would score 48 points. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what week 2 brings.









 

Ready Or Not - Here It Comes!

Jerry Sandusky couldn't wait for training camp to open so he could
get his hands on a new season's fresh crop of malleable young talent.

Times have changed. The NFL as a league and a brand has has evolved. Unfortunately the same cannot be said about it's players. The down time between February and August is quickly gaining notoriety as the "arrest" season for football players. So far the tally is at least 29 players arrested since the Superbowl in February, a shocking number that has probably risen since I began writing this article.






While most players seem to recognize and appreciate their opportunity to be a part of the greatest thing known to man, the NFL, others can't seem to stay out of trouble. A few NFL players in particular, snatch dreaded conduct related headlines with the same tenacity as Calvin Johnson bringing down a TD over 2 defenders. 




I've worked out a system for ignoring these flaws in players by simply lowering my standards for humanity in general, but especially for that of NFL players and their conduct. I've now trained my mind to accept that players are going to have a D.U.I. here and some missed child support payments there. No big deal. Marijuana posession? No problem. Even Brandon Marshall's semi-annual spousal abuse charges and night club altercations now get nonchalantly removed from memory with the ease of Pacman Jones peeling off $100 bills at a strip club.

Behavior has become such an epidemic across the league that Pacman Jones, Terrell Owens, and Mike Vick recently were all called in for help. They spoke to rookies at a symposium paid for by the NFL, warning new players of the pitfalls that accompany fame and money. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has cracked down on players, taking a zero-tolerance approach, handing out suspensions and fines like doses of Nyquil at a Sandusky sleepover.

But still, this past off-season has been a particularly active one, and there are a few players that have set themselves apart from the rest of the pack. And of course, a racist, insensitive asshole like me finds it necessary to point out a few of the more entertaining ones.





1. Dez Bryant

When the Cowboys decided to select Bryant with the 24th overall pick in the 2010 NFL Draft, they ignored the red flags and flashing lights of character issues, and instead, banked on the tremendous upside of a fiery, physical wide receiver who could fill the vacancy left by Michael Irvin over a decade ago. The Cowboys were hoping that Dez's talent would be the missing piece of the puzzle that would catapult QB Tony Romo into "elite" quarterback status, and bring the Dallas Cowboys back to playoff relevance.

What they actually got, at least so far, has been something quite different.

If you pay any attention to football you've already heard of Dez Bryant. You may know Dez from his well-documented lack of on-the-field production and open-status for becoming a "bust". Or perhaps you might have heard his name during the 2010 pre-draft process, used most likely in the same sentence with terms like "undraftable" due to "attitude and behavioral issues". You may have heard his story, having been raised in Lufkin, TX, mostly by his mother, who served time behind bars for dealing crack. You may even be one of his 2 or 3 baby-momma's he keeps around town like stash spots for his chronic. But more likely, you first heard his name last off-season, when he stole national headlines for becoming the first Dallas Cowboy to be banned from the upscale North Park Shopping Mall for refusing to pull up his sagging pants.

When Bryant was first approached by a $7.65 an hour mall security guard he immediately went on the defensive. The security guard had received several complaints from shoppers involving a group of African Americans and accusations of indecency. When politely asked, instead of pulling up his pants and apologizing, Bryant and his pack of uniformly drooping co-conspirators became visibly agitated and started causing a scene. Police were called and Bryant was banned from the mall.

 I wear my pants the same way as Dez Bryant does and nobody
ever hassles me about it.

If I told you that at a family dinner, someone allegedly grabbed a family member violently by their hair and clothes and shook that family member around, then slapped that same person across the face with a baseball cap threatening to kill them-- you might be inclined to think dinner at Ike Turner's house. If I then told you that the abused victim is the defendants own mother-- you'd not only be shocked and horrified, you'd be informed of exactly what happened in the Bryant household.


Dez Bryant was facing misdemeanor charges of family assault, before Angela Bryant's better judgement prevailed. She forgave him and after a few days decided to drop the charges. Ms. Bryant tacitly understood that when KFC comes close to running out of its original recipe chicken, all hell breaks loose and sometimes innocent people get hurt.

2. Nate Webster

Instead of living comfortably and quietly with the security offered from a 5 year $11.3 million dollar deal from the Cincinnatti Bengals, Nate Webster decided to step dive head first outside the claustrophobicly suffocating box of common sense and decent moral fortitude by engaging in sexual relations with a 15 year old girl.


The girl also happened to be the daughter of a Bengals assistant coach. She was 15 at the time, him 34. That was too much for the Bengals organization, as well as authorities to ignore. Webster was sentenced to 12 years in prison.











3. Elvis Dumervil


Dumervil and a friend were cruising the streets of Miami, when an altercation involving a firearm occured. Details are still murky. Authorities say it was road rage. Dumervile claims it was self-defense.

According to a quote from Dumervil, it happened like this, "So I hooks a left on two-one and Lewis, some brotha's shootin' dice so I said let's do this. I Jumped out my ride, and said what's up? Some brotha's pulled some gat's so I said... I'm stuck."

That's when a all of a sudden a friend came along and intervened. The friend had this to say: "They got my homey hemmed up and they all around, ain't none of them seeing if they going straight pound for pound. I gotta come up real quick before they start to clown, I best pull out my strap and lay them busta's down."

Dumervil also attempted to justify the incident by stating, "If you smoke like I smoke, then you high like everyday. And if yo' ass is a busta, two-one-three will regulate."

4. Caleb King


Whatever you do, don't tell Caleb King he looks like Eddie Murphy. He's perfectly willing to throw away his image, his life, and his careeer for such an... insult? While at a friend's birthday party, King exploded in rage on a 24 year old man who made such a comparison, leaving the man requiring 50 stitches and possibly permanent brain damage.

Looking like a celebrity such as Eddie Murphy isn't a bad thing. Plus, the resemblance isn't even all that close. It's certainly not nearly as uncanny as that of actor Omar Epps and Steelers Head Coach Mike Tomlin.

Caleb King should be thankful he's not named after a celebrity. Especially a " no-talent ass clown" like Michael Bolton.

5. The Detroit Lions - Seven arrests and counting.

Former Bubba-Gump shrimp boat Captain and current Lions DT, Nick Fairley, was pulled over in his
Cadillac Escalade at 1:00 AM for driving 100 MPH. Fairley has been booked on charges
for D.U.I., and attempting to elude police. This is his second D.U.I. in a 2 month span.

It hasn't been a great off-season for the Lions. Apparently spoiled by last season's relative success, the Lion's now appear to have lost discipline and focus. RB Mikell Leshoure, while commanding very little attention and few headlines on the field, has managed to produce numerous headlines off the field and commanded the attention of Detroit police. Two separate marijuana arrests in less than two months, combined with his track record of injuries, should have him seeing less playing time than a 6 year old rice paddy worker in Bangladesh.

Additionally, OT Johnny Culbreath was arrested in January on a marijuana charge, and CB Aaron Berry was arrested for the second time in a month, charged with aggrivated assault for allegedly pointing a gun at three people. Last week Berry was released by the Lions organization.





The openings of NFL training camps are only days away. Not to worry though, that still leaves plenty of time for a few more arrests!

Society Has Come out of the Closet

Am I the only one who thinks the year long suspension on Sean Payton doled out by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was...excessive? Give me a break Goodell. That's the same length of a suspension that Pacman Jones received, and that was after 12 arrests, including the infamous "making it rain" incident at the Vegas strip club, which left a man paralyzed, and left Jones with charges for attempted murder!

Multiple shootings and 12 arrests in a 24 month span landed Pacman
Jones the same suspension as Sean Payton.

The worst part is that I haven't heard anyone oppose this injustice levied on the Saints. It seems as though most fans not only accept, but agree with this BS suspension. I'm not buying it. Maybe if the NFL league office could cough up some evidence and show me 1 fucking play where this "bounty program" actually affected either, the outcome of the game, or the longevity of another players career, then I would consider accepting it. But no-- no evidence of that whatsoever.


Yeah I heard the locker room speach by Gregg Williams before the 49ers game, but what do you expect to hear? If Goodell has it his way, instead of seeing players getting fired up readying themselves for battle, you're going to see them break into song and dance in some homo-erotic flashmob.



Say goodbye to this:

Say hello to this:

I've heard way too much talk lately about safety in the NFL. Who cares about safety in the NFL? Not me. Safety is all fine and good, as long as it doesn't take away from the excitement or the integrity of the game, and that's exactly what's happening here. You want to talk about affecting the outcome of the games, how about the trend of chicken shit flags being thrown for ghost penalties that didn't happen. There's the real problem with the NFL-- the referees. How many times have you been watching a game where the outcome has been affected by the referees? More than have been affected by bounties, I can promise you that (Especially if Ed Hochuli is involved).

It's gotten so bad, that lately, I've even heard rumors swirling around about eliminating kickoffs, punts, and special teams altogether! Has everyone forgotten that football is a collision sport, played by real men? That's why we watch it!!! If I wanted safety I'd watch baseball, where players can play safely in the MLB until they turn 50, only retiring when the mouth cancer from the chew or the testicular cancer from the roids finally catches up. I fear the NFL will turn into the NBA, where flopping to draw fouls and crying to the referees is accepted and considered the the norm. Maybe Roger Goodell should borrow Reggie Miller or Manu Ginobli, and make them Deputy NFL Commissioners to help ensure this.

The future of the NFL

Let's take a look at a few other notable NFL offenders who's crimes seem worse than Sean Payton's yet the leagues punishment was less:

Ben Roethlisberger:
First offense for sexual assault- no NFL league punishment
Second offense for sexual assault- 6 game suspension

Tank Johnson:
Multiple offenses for weapons charges without league punishment. Police eventually raided his home, finding 6 firearms, 2 of which were loaded assault rifles, all with children present in the house- 8 game suspension

Mike Vick: We all know about Vick. I guess 18 months in the Federal Penitentiary was enough for him.

Chris Henry: 9 arrests in less than 5 years. Displaying the same versatility he showed on the field, his charges ranged from domestic disputes, to breaking and entering, to possession of marijuana. -total of 10 games suspended (before he was eventually murdered).


Brandon Marshall: Has he ever been suspended? The guys beats his wife at least once a week and has a minimum of 40 incidents involving police intervention under his belt.

At any given time, there is at least one Raider on trial for murder. The list goes on and on.

Sometimes the obvious is the most difficult to see.

Gregg Williams and Sean Payton didn't do anything wrong. Have we all forgotten football is an inherently violent sport where crushing, career-ending injuries are fueled by dangerous amounts of roids and HGH and are considered commonplace? Football is a sport for warriors. If you want something kind, gentle, and soft, then go to an Adam Lambert concert, where they'll accept you for being a fruit cake.

I don't want to live in a society where this is accepted and bounties in football are not.

Have we all been so well trained, so nurtured, so saturated with BS political correctness and getting in touch with our emotions that we're all completely pussified? I seem to remember a time not too long ago where you would get your ass beat for doing what makes you cool nowadays. From these Justin Beiber wannabe haircuts to the EMO pants that are so tight they mold testicles into vagina lips-- society has officially come out of the closet. And on that note, are those giant holes in dudes ears custom fitted for their boyfriends to slide their cocks through? I guess I need more sensitivity training.

Back when I was in High School you would've gotten your ass beat for this look.

It's perfectly fine with me if you're gay, or want to allow your kid to be a pussy, I have no problem with that-- but don't fuck with football.