Commander-In-Chief Barack Obama wanted to celebrate Thanksgiving with some real American-Indians, but after he lost $500,000 on their blackjack table and gambled away his daughters virginity, he tried to choke-out Chief Moonshine.
They sayhistory is written by the winners-- and nobody wins like white people. Thanksgiving is once again upon us, so as America's natives and our European forefathers did in Plymouth, this Thursday, families and friends will gather together to celebrate the harvest season. Homes across the nation will permeate with the aroma of freshly roasted, genetically mutated, hormone injected birds raised in captivity. These birds are bred for the sole purpose of one day being be-headed, then smothered in delicious rubs and spices, then tossed into an oven and cooked at 350 degrees for 4-6 hours, depending on the size, before finally being devoured by people who's rear-ends are already way too big.
White people aren't all bad, look at this pristine land we gave back to the Indians.
That doesn't make us whitey's bad people does it? I don't think I'm a bad person just because I think we're better off without the Indians, or because I know Asians can't drive. It's not racist if it's a fact. Try getting a quote for auto insurance using a Chinatown address, then compare it to a neighborhood where women stay in the kitchen all day, and the only drivers allowed on the road are white males between the age of 21 and 50. (I know that neighborhood doesn't exist, I don't believe in Heaven either.)
Alright, maybe that's harsh, Mexicans can drive too. It's not like white people are going to do their own lawns, they're too busy being rich and powerful. But don't be doing 45 mph in the fast lane dusting my sports car with the exhaust from your '85 Datsun. Vamos! Vamos! Step on the gas Rodrigo! White people are in a hurry because we have jobs to get to. You're not getting to the free medical clinic any faster by driving in the fast lane, so move over. You'll still be there before the Taco Bell settles in your humongous stomach, which by the way is hanging over your sweatpants. Gross.
So we've established that we need some Mexicans to be allowed to drive, but not all Mexicans. Of course, acquiring a valid Driver's License in the State of California requires proper paperwork-- so that might be a problem.
But let's say hypothetically... and I know, it's quite a stretch... but let's say they actually have their Green Card-- there would still be too many on the road. We still need to thin the herd. Pun intended.
Eliminate the one's with the peeing cartoon character on their back windows. It's bad enough Mexicans keep giving us Salmonella every few months from pooping and peeing in the spinach fields they work in, but do I have to be constantly reminded of it while I'm driving to my job so I can earn enough money to pay taxes. Yeah, taxes, those are what white people pay for public services. Unlike Mexico, here in the U.S. we have services such as schools and Social Security (well maybe those aren't good examples).
They also can't drive if they have those annoying characters showing how many children they have. We know already. If you ask any white person what they think the average number of children Mexican's have is-- and they say anything less than 5-- they are lying. Those stickers of their kids are usually so numerous it creates a blind-spot, which is dangerous enough in itself, but it's highly unlikely any Mexicans have insurance.
It'sAlmostDecember... Surprise!!!
The joys of Christmas... wait shopping...malls... FML. Here's what you have to look forward to.
We've all been circling the mall parking lot in December scavenging for parking, when suddenly and inexplicably you turn down an aisle to find a ten car traffic jam.
All you needed was a soap-on-a-rope, some bath-beads, and a Tinkerbell costume-- in and out. Goddamn it! What could possibly be the hold-up?
Realizing it's a single Honda Civic causing the trouble, you turn down the radio, ignore Dr. Laura's monologue about morals and loving thy neighbor, throw the car in reverse and floor it down the next aisle in angry pursuit of a glimpse of what is inevitably an Asian. It's not like you're racist, you just want to see what nationality the driver is so you can confirm what you already know.
Because you're not a racist, you don't immediately blame the Asians, though you're pretty sure one of them is responsible. How can they be sooo good at math but can't drive a car? But since you're open-minded just like I am you know it might not be an Asian and it could be anyone-- other than a white male between the age of 21-50. So, as a level-headed white-person, you naturally use your God-given deductive reasoning skills to figure it out.
The foriegn-parker who hates Christmas could very well be a Mexican. You can't rule that one out, not in Southern California. It's unlikely though because on the way to the mall you passed by a Home Depot and saw a few hundred of them taking a siesta on the lawn, so how many more Mexicans could be possibly be left?
Okay, that was racist, I'll give you that one.
So with an open-mind you quickly scrutinize the aesthetic integrity of the vehicle, searching for any indicators. Spinners? Nope. A big, fat, career pregnant wife who doesn't speak a word of English? Nope. Nothing against that woman, she looks just like a housekeeper I used to have. The housekeeper might not speak any English but she sure could clean a mean kitchen before getting pregnant with Jose the 11th and quitting.
Although I never could quite understand exactly what she was saying, by the tone of it, it sounded as though she didn't care for the noxious bleach fumes she inhaled while cleaning my bathroom. Doesn't that stuff cause brain-damage? Don't worry Maria, it's not like Jose was going to grow up to be an engineer anyway.
Judging by the fact the car looks reasonably intact, there's fewer than 11 people in it, and the registration tags are current it's highly unlikely it's a Mexican. No matter, another parking space just opened up--better hurry!
The plywood door is a dead-giveaway there is a Mexican driving.
It could also be a Persian of some sort. I don't know which one... the kind that wears leather jackets in the summer and wears too much cologne. They know where and when all the sales are, but don't let that fool you into thinking they aren't going to bargain the price down. Another reason it could be a Persian is because you did come to the shopping mall, and the ones that actually work are probably there picking up extra shifts slinging cell-phones at the Verizon kiosk.
If you've ever been to a mall in Southern California you're familiar with this.
But again, the culprit is driving a Honda not a '1976 Diesel Mercedes so cross them off.
Seriously, are Persians genetically predisposed to driving Mercedes? Why not BMW's? Or even Kia's? I realize that fuel efficiency isn't the first thing on their minds since they get oil from cousin Mohammed for free. And I recognize that you need a certain amount of structural integrity to plow through the gate of the U.S. Embassy, but after they blow themselves up it's not like the car is going to be resold so again I ask why Mercedes?
Southern California residents know that Persians all drive a Mercedes.
It doesn't matter if it's brand new, 40 years old, or has been salvaged from the last suicide bomber/owner who blew himself up in it.
Now you're close enough to get a visual on the culprit.
Asian. Yup, I knew it. I'm so smart... it's GREAT to be white!
So much for open-minded.
Unlike Mexicans, Asians typically possess the required paperwork to obtain a driver's license.
Unfortunately for them, it's the behind-the-wheel test that proves tricky.
So you park the car and are about to get out and brave the crowd.
Quick! Lock the doors!... a black person just walked by! It could be a black woman... no... wait... it's a man... sometimes it's hard to tell at first glance. It doesn't really matter, either way they're obviously up to no good. I certainly wasn't expecting to see any black people here, I pay premium rental prices in this neighborhood so I don't have to be around any black people. Plus, the Section 8 housing is all the way Downtown and I didn't think the bus-line ran this far west.
It's not considered racist when it's genuinely hard to tell the sex.
Deep breath. I was caught off guard at first just like you, but everything is going to be okay. I feel safe now because Mall security is already on it. There is no telling what a black person is hiding in those baggy pants. They could be hiding anything from a machine-gun to Jimmy Hoffa's body. There is only one section in a black man's pants where there is no room to conceal his newly stolen merchandise-- and you already know where that is.
I still don't think I'm racist because I'm not scared of all black people, just the ones who commit crimes, which should really lower the chance of this particular one being dangerous.
So to recap, nothing so far is racist because it's all been true-- so we're still good on the whole Karma thing.
You realize it was kind of silly to be startled now. What did you expect? It is the mall, and in the middle of the day, so it's not like any of them are at work. Plus, the mall is full of white women-- fat and thin, tall and short. It doesn't really matter as long as she's white.
Once inside the mall, you can't help but notice the tribal hooting and hollering. Noise, so vociferous, it could only be coming from more black people. Why can't you just stay quiet and keep walking Coolio? You already know they don't sell grape-drink at Orange Julius, so stop hitting on the underage girl filling her head with lies-- and try filling out a job application. Welfare doesn't send out checks until next week so what the hell are you doing here anyway? You're just causing raukus and scaring all the white people who plan on actually paying for their gifts.
It doesn't matter though because you've already trained yourself to ignore them. As long as you don't make eye-contact everything should be alright. Just pretend they're not there, grip your purse or wallet tightly, and walk by. Besides, you really don't want a confrontation with any of them -- blacks are a very volatile people. The men all carry guns, and the women... well you know about the women.
Even though I got there first, she can have the parking space without argument from me.
When you finally locate the maple syrup flavored anal-beads all you want to do is pay and get the hell out. The mall is a nightmare, and I can't wait to get home. But what happens next? You guessed it. An old person decides to write a check for $.49 cents because she doesn't like to carry a lot of cash.
You feel like the other 20 people in line and want to do her a favor and strangle her to death. It's a natural reaction so it's not wrong-- don't feel guilty. If I wanted to spend a bunch of time smelling old person I would have visited my Nana sometime in the last 15 years, but instead, I spend that time at home masterbating to reruns of Real Housewives.
Forget the mall, you're better off staying home.
In light of this years holiday spirit and cheer, this Thanksgiving we should do something different. Perhaps we should blow the dust off the list of goals we made at the beginning of the year, and take a moment to reflect upon the decaying moral fabric of our society, but more importantly of ourselves.
Let's see... woops, I meant to start working out this year but I was busy. I wanted to start saving money but Bank Of America keeps raising overdraft fees... nope, accomplished nothing this year.
By the way-- Santa is skipping your house this year. He skips mine every year. That pervert probably has more important things to do anyway.
It's the time of year for change and reflection.
If you make New Years resolutions and don't accomplish anything, or find yourself justifying that you're a good person by saying, thinking, or convincing yourself of any of these things-- then you're not only racist and exactly what's wrong with society-- but you're also my kind of person.
I know it's terrible what he did, but I would totally F#*K Chris Brown... did you see him on the VMA'S? He can sing and dance!
So what if I watch kiddie-porn all day, I already un-friended Jerry Sandusky on Facebook.
I really want to learn Spanish but I really, really hate Mexicans.
Chaz Bono is really starting to look manly.
For a black guy, Herman Cain is pretty intelligent.
I would wait until Miley Cyrus is 18 to bang her, but she doesn't have to be 18 to jerk-off to her.
Ed Hochuli Is Doing His Best Phil Luckett Impersonation
This Thursday's Thanksgiving marks the lucky 13th anniversary since NFL referee Phil Luckett blew a simple but easily overlooked call, costing a team the game.
No, it wasn't the holding penalty that removed Darrell Jackson's Seattle touchdown off the board in Superbowl XL eventually proving to be the difference in score in the game-- that was referee Bill Leavy (he deserves his own article).
It was referee Phil Luckett, and it was a coin toss. A coin toss? A coin toss.
In an overtimegame in 1998, Steelers running back Jerome Bettis stepped to the 50 yard line to call the coin toss, hoping to give his team the opportunity to get the ball and win the game. The cameras focused in and Luckett flicked the coin in the air. Bettis yelled "hea--tails!"
It was tails.
Millions of television viewers clearly heard Bettis call tails. The crowd sitting hundreds of feet away heard Bettis call tails. Helen Keller heard Bettis call tails. Referee Phil Luckett heard heads.
The ball was awarded to Detroit and the Lions won the game.
Blind, deaf, and mute-- Helen Keller still knew it was tails.
Luckett was also responsible for the Music City Miracle, and the 2001 Get out of the way play. Either of those references can be found on Wikipedia-- or on thousands of Phil Luckett death-threat letters collected by the FBI.
When Luckett retired following the 2007 season it left a void in the hearts and minds of aspiring snipers across the country looking to make their mark. What would the NFL be without controversial calls? The NFL knew its fans wouldn't be able to accept the fact their team just plain stinks-- there needed to be a new scape-goat. The league office scrambled to find a replacement. Enter Ed Hochuli.
In 2008 Hochuli met with Commissioner Roger Goodell at the NFL league office.
Goodell ordered Hochuli to fill the shoes of referee Phil Luckett.
There is no question that NFL referees have a difficult job. Their job is like trying to dissect an atom while running across the 405 freeway. But I long for the days of fewer penalties and less referee interference.
Like when a silent-but-violent fart slips out in a crowded room, uncertain officials used to just pretend that nothing happened and let the game play out-- but no more. NFL officials are under explicit direction from the league office to throw the yellow flag if there is any question in their mind at all there was an infraction-- even if there wasn't one. The theory is it's better to throw the flag and be wrong then to not throw it at all-- unless your a player or one of 50 million spectators. It's officially listed in the league rule-book as the whoever smelt it dealt it rule.
NFL senior analyst Pat Kirwan did a study last week on the rise in penalties in the league since 2005, because these penalties are not only costly for the teams involved, but they're driving fans like me crazy.
This isn't an article about penalties-- or referees-- although I hate both of them. This is about one referee I really hate because he seems to blow more calls than the others--Ed Hochuli. I would never say any of this to his face, he would kick my ass, so I'm blogging it to my loyal readership of 3 people.
In case you don't recognize him by name, Hochuli is the super-jacked white ref. He's also the ref that was suspended 5 games in 2007 for using HGH. That's right-- an official suspended for juice. His guns are sweet, but they seem to be affecting his brain.
Starting Official!!
Hochuli put on 35 lbs. of muscle in one summer, becoming a starting official.
He celebrated by smashing his head through car windows.
Hochuli wanted to start strong because Phil Luckett left quite a legacy, and it would be difficult to live up to it. In 2008, Hochuli's first attempt was a smashing success.
9/14/2008. The Denver Broncos, led by QB Jay Cutler and down by 7 points, had been successfully driving the ball against the Chargers in the final minutes of the game. With the ball on the SD 1 yard line and 1:17 left on the game clock-- Hochuli went to work.
Cutler took the snap, dropping back in the pocket looking to throw a pass. He saw his target, cocked-back his rocket-arm, and let it rip. Little-leaguers everywhere can identify with what happened next.
As Cutler threw, the ball slipped out of his hand, falling behind him and hitting the turf. In football 101, it's what's called a fumble (unless you're the Raiders-- see the Tuck Rule). The fumble was recovered by the Chargers' linebacker Tim Dobbins and the game was over. Easy call-- right?
Hochuli looked as confused as an Asian woman attempting to parallel-park.
Hochuli ruled it an incomplete pass and blew the play dead, awarding Denver possession. Replay showed it was clearly a fumble. The world saw-- it was a fumble. Even Hochuli saw it was a fumble, and apologized to SD Head Coach Norv Turner. But there was nothing he could do, the whistle had been blown and the play was dead.
Mickey-no-eyes saw it was a fumble.
Replay at the time didn't allow possession to be awarded to another team once the play had been blown dead from an incomplete pass-- even if replay clearly showed it was a fumble. The league changed that stupid rule right after the season.
Score: Hochuli 1 - Luckett 3.
December 5, 2010. Trailing 17-20 to the Detroit Lions, the Chicago Bears and their newly acquired QB Jay Cutler were driving in the 4th quarter. At the Detroit 22 yard-line Cutler dropped back to pass. With nothing down-field Cutler scrambled. Frightening defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh chased him down. Suh, from behind, pushed down Cutler after an 8 yard scramble. Great play. Ed Hochuli. Yellow flag. For an "unnecessary non-football act" Suh was given a 15 yard personal foul and the drive was kept alive. Chicago won the game 24-20.
Score: Hochuli 2 - Luckett 3
January 3, 2010. Playoffs. Chris Johnson became only the 6th player in NFL history to rush for over 2,000 yards in a season. Johnson joined the elite ranks of Eric Dickerson, Jamal Lewis, Terrell Davis, Barry Sanders, and O.J. Simpson.
Including this game against Seattle, Johnson had rushed for over 100 yards in 11 straight games. In this game, on the big playoff stage and a national television audience, Johnson was again over 100 yards and had 2 touchdowns to go along with it. Chris Johnson was quickly closing in on Dickerson's all-time single-season rushing record of 2,105 yards.
Johnson ripped-off a 62 yard TD to bring him within 52 yards of the all-time record. Teammates and fans alike celebrated. Hardly anyone noticed the flag that had been thrown all the way back near the line of scrimmage. Holding on Tennessee's Ahmard Hall, and the play came back. Titans center pleaded with Hochuli that it was a routine block. No rushing record for Johnson. Hochuli had struck again.
Score: Hochuli 3 - Luckett 3 Overtime
November 20, 2011. Just yesterday I'm watching the Redskins overtime drive at home against the Cowboys. The Redskins' Graham Gano lined up for the game-winning 52 yard attempt. The Redskins are about to snap the ball then the whistle blows-- seemingly a tactic frequently used by opponents in an attempt to "freeze" the kicker.
Ed Hochuli turns to the camera and turns on his mic, "Please reset the game-clock to 9:30 seconds, and the play-clock to :10 seconds."
I could understand him stopping the game if there was a critical clock mistake-- But 9:30 with left in overtime and the kicker already lined up for the kick? The clock still showed 9:21 left in the game so it wasn't like 6 minutes had disappeared.
After the clock gets adjusted, the Redskins line up once again. Whistle-- time-out Cowboys. The second freezing of the kicker.
The Redskins line up a third time and the kick sails wide-right.
The Cowboys drive down the field and win the game.
Who Weren't Going To Let Success Stand In The Way Of Failure
Penn State Asst. Coach Jerry Sandusky
Fathers might want to think twice before allowing their daughters to date professional athletes.
No matter how much potential and talent these athletes displayed on the field, it's their off-field behavior that landed these once top performers in central booking-- and also a spot on my list.
"It seems like every time you come up something happens to bring you back down". Tupac Shakur
10.Lawrence Phillips and Leif Garrett
The best running back you never heard of--
and "I was made for dancin'" Leif Garrett
Teen pop-icon Leif Garrett circa 1978
Lawrence Phillips
When college football scouts came in search of this promising young prospect, like many others, they came to the door of a foster home. Although early on having developed a reputation for conflict, the Nebraska Cornhuskers couldn't resist taking a chance on Phillips' upside.
Immediately upon his arrival in Nebraska Phillips slashed defenses, rushing for over 100 yards in 11 consecutive games, a Cornhusker record. During his 1994 sophomore season, Phillips rushed for 1,722 yards, gaining the attention of the national spotlight and also becoming a front runner in the Heisman race.
Following Nebraska Head Coach Tom Osborne's advice, Phillips left school early and declared himself eligible for the 1996 draft.
St. Louis Rams Head Coach Dick Vermeil took notice of the prospect and traded their current running back, Jerome Bettis, to the Pittsburgh Steelers so they could draft Phillips. The Rams drafted Phillips with the 6th overall pick.
Lawrence Phillips 2 year stay in St. Louis was marred with lack of production, injuries, off-the-field trouble, and a me-first attitude. After only 2 seasons the Rams cut Phillips, a remarkable feat for a top ten pick.
During a brief stint with the Miami Dolphins, Phillips was arrested for assaulting a woman in a night club, a charge to which he plead no contest. By Y2K Phillips was out of football.
In 2005, Phillips was arrested for assault for driving his car into 3 teenagers. At the time, he was also wanted by the San Diego Police to face a charge of domestic abuse.
On October 10, 2006, Lawrence Phillips stood trial for 7 counts of assault with a deadly weapon. On October 3, 2008, he was sentenced to 10 years in prison.
While serving his sentence, he was also convicted of a previous charge for assault on his ex-girlfriend, and sentenced to 31 years in prison.
On September 15, 2011 Phillips was stabbed in a prison dispute involving Mexican Mafia Kingpin Antonio Madrid. Phillips survived the attack, and is in the protective custody of the Los Angeles County Department Of Corrections. DOC Inmate #G31982 will be 65 when he gets out of prison.
Phillips went from this
To this
In 1976 Leif Garrett released his self-titled album and became the country's most popular teen heart throb. Teenie-boppers across America eagerly pinned up posters with Garrett's childlike face plastered all over it. His second album, included the hit "I was made for dancin'", which reached #10 on the Hot 100.
Few could have predicted that Leif Garrett's fall from stardom would be faster and more dramatic than the stock market crash of 1929.
In 1979, 3 days before his 18th birthday, Garrett crashed the car he was driving while under the influence of Quaalude's and alcohol-- an accident that left his best-friend a paraplegic.
For the next 3 decades, Garrett continued his spiral downward, becoming more famous for his arrests and drug abuse than his recording or acting career.
On January 14, 2006 police detained Garrett on a subway platform for not purchasing a ticket. Police dogs detected narcotics, and police found cocaine in his possession.
February 1, 2010 while being pulled over for a routine traffic violation, Garrett admitted to police to having black-tar heroin in his shoe, and was charged with felony narcotics possession.
9. Latrell Spreewell and Willie Nelson
In 1994, Spreewell led the NBA in games played and minutes per game, and was named four times to the NBA All-Star Team during his career.
On December 1, 1997, at a Golden State Warriors practice, Coach P.J. Carlesimo instructed Spreewell to "put a little mustard" on his passes. Spreewell responded by telling the coach he wasn't in the mood for criticism. When the coach approached, Spreewell threatened to kill him, and brought him to the ground by his neck, choking the coach for 10-15 seconds before teammates separated the two.
After being allowed roughly 20 minutes to let cooler heads prevail, Spreewell returned and punched Carlesimo in the face before being dragged away by teammates once again.
In the wake of public uproar, the remainder of Spreewell's contract was voided, which included $23.7 million over the next 3 years. Spreewell was suspended by the NBA for the entire season.
After a successful stint playing for the Knicks, Spreewell was traded to the Minnessota Timberwolves, and was offered a $21 million contract extention by the T-wolves, a substantial amount, but far less than the 5 year/ $63 million contract he was currently playing under.
Spreewell scoffed at the offer, stating "I have a family to feed... If Glen Taylor (owner) wants to see my family fed, he better cough up some money. Otherwise, you're going to see these kids in one of those Sally Struthers commercials soon."
Spreewell feared not able to feed his kids and scoffed at the
$21 million contract extension offered by the Timberwolves.
Life after basketball hasn't been any less contentious for Spreewell. After several domestic violence disputes, multiple foreclosed homes, and crashing his 70 foot yacht, he currently holds the title as the number 1 delinquent taxpayer in the State of Wisconsin, owing $3,533,426.49 in back income taxes.
Spreewell is currently the number 1
delinquent taxpayer in Wisconsin.
Willie Nelson is widely recognized as an American icon. But in 1990, Nelson's assets were seized by the IRS who claimed that Willie owed $32,000,000 in back income taxes.
8. Plaxico Burress and the Gumby Robber
Burress was selected 8th overall in the 2000 draft by the Pittsburgh Steelers. At Michigan State, Burress reeled in a single-season record 65 passes during his rookie year, and only continued to improve throughout his college career. At 6'5, 232 lbs., Burress had pro scouts drooling over his perfect blend of size, strength, and speed.
On January 23, 2005, following a playoff defeat, Burress announced his intention to leave the Steelers. On March 17, the New York Giants gave Burress a 6 year deal, worth $25 million.
Burress' impact was immediately felt, as he led the team in receptions and receiving yards his first two seasons. In 2007, despite not practicing all season due to an ailing ankle injury, he once again led the team in catches with 70, for 1,025 yards.
In the 2007 NFC Championship game against the Green Bay Packers, Burress set a franchise playoff record with 11 receptions for 154 yards, helping the Giants advance to Superbowl XLII.
Burress joined the elite ranks of "Superbowl Legends" by hauling in the game-winning catch to defeat the 19-0 New England Patriots.
Before the 2008 training camp kicked-off, Burress claimed he was underpaid compared to other "elite" receivers in the NFL, and threatened to hold-out of camp until he got more money. The Giants offered him a 5 year, $35 million, incentive laced contract.
On November 28, 2008 Burress headed to the trendy Manhattan nightclub LQ, for a night of making it rain and sipping purple stuff. On his way up the stairs to the clubs VIP section, his 9mm Glock began to slip down the leg of his over-sized sweatpants. Unfortunately for Plax, Glock's don't have safeties. When he felt the gun begin to slip and the cold plastic brush his junk, he tried to grab the firearm, causing it to accidentally go off, shooting himself in the thigh.
Had that happened to me, there might have been a real problem.
you can see why I don't carry guns in my pants.
Here in this video, a redneck re-enacts the incident.
The shooting is widely considered one of the most embarrassing crimes of all time. As if the incident itself wasn't embarrassing enough, New York Mayor Michael Bloomburg urged prosecutors to punish Burress to the full extent of the law, saying any punishment short of the 3 1/2 year minimum sentence for carrying an illegal firearm would be a "mockery of the law".
On August 20, 2009, Burress accepted a plea-deal that landed him in the Oneida Correctional Facility for just short of 2 years.
The store clerk saw no humor in the incident.
The Gumby Robber attempted to rob a liquor store in San Diego but overlooked one important detail-- he was unable to reach his gun in his over-sized costume.
The angry clerk thought it was a joke and in broken English yelled, "c'mon man... don't waste my time, I got work to do." The robber quickly fled, leaving minus his pride-- and $0.27 cents he dropped on the ground while fumbling for his weapon.
7. Maurice Clarett and
Icarus, Son of Daedalus
Clarett was flying high at Ohio State for one season, rushing for 1,237 yards, a school record for a freshman, to go along with 18 touchdowns. He dazzled fans, and propelled the Buckeyes to a 14-0 record and the 2002 National Championship.
Clarett was suspended for the entire 2003 season by Ohio State officials for filing a false police report. He claimed to have had $10,000 in clothing, cash and Cd's stolen from a rental car he was driving. This onset a series of events that led to his dismissal from the University.
In 2004, Clarett challenged the longstanding NFL rule of having to be at least 3 years removed from high school to be eligible for the draft. Attempting to do what no man has ever done before is great-- if you're Neil Armstrong or Buzz Aldrin, but not a black man from Columbus Ohio with a lengthy criminal history.
For the court battle, Clarett selected attorney David Kenner as counsel, the long-time attorney of Death Row Records CEO Suge Knight. He won the case, only to have it overturned by the Second Circuit Court Of Appeals. Clarett lost his opportunity to play both college, and NFL football, but did manage to rack up over $1 million in legal fees in the process. Another year passed without Clarett playing a single down.
In February 2005, Clarett participated in the NFL Scouting Combine in Indianapolis where he showed up at 248 pounds, at least 20 pounds overweight, and languidly ran the 40 yard dash in 4.72 and 4.82. He became dubbed "Slo-Mo" by the sports media.
In a draft day shocker, the Denver Broncos drafted Clarett at the end of the 3rd round. Many analysts had foreseen him being drafted in the 6th or 7th rounds, if at all. Maurice was unimpressive in training camp, leading to his dismissal before the start of the regular season.
On January 1, 2006, Maurice Clarett robbed two people at gunpoint using a .45 caliber pistol, before escaping in a white SUV. He made off with nothing more than a cell phone during the robbery, a crime to which he was arrested for the following day. Clarett plead not guilty, to two counts of aggravated robbery. He faced 25 years if convicted.
On the pre-dawn hours on the morning of August 9, 2006, Clarett was again arrested. This time, he led the Columbus Police on a high-speed chase in his SUV before he drove over a police spike strip, simultaneously ending his freedom and any hope of ever playing football again. Police found a loaded AK-47, a katana, a zanbato (horse-slaying sword), as well as two other loaded handguns in the vehicle. Clarett also resisted arrest, prompting officers to repeatedly mace and tase him.
Conveniently, he was already scheduled to appear in court that same morning for a bond hearing. The Judge denied Clarett's bond.
On September 18, Clarett filed a guilty plea in a plea bargain for the robbery charges, and was sentenced to 7 1/2 years in prison.
Icarus was the son of master craftsman Daedalus. Icarus attempted to escape from Crete by means of wings his father constructed from feathers and wax. Icarus ignored warnings not to fly too close to the sun. The sun caused the wax to melt, and Icarus fell to his death. Icarus is perhaps the most famous tragic example of failed ambition. Maurice Clarett didn't die from his transgressions, but is still a close second.
6. Chris Henry and Phil Hartman
Despite earning Big East Conference freshman of the year honors and being voted to All-Big East 2nd Team, Henry's college playing days for West Virginia University were best described by his own coach. Mountaineers Coach, Rich Rodriguez, stated that Henry's conduct was "an embarrassment to himself and this program." His production as a wide receiver was largely overshadowed by his temper and bad decision making, his reputation was already costing him.
31 NFL teams feared Henry's shaky past, and the side of him that seemed to rear it's ugly head when least expected. The Bengals found that his soft-spoken demeanor didn't match his reputation, and were the ONLY team to bring him in for a pre-draft interview. It only takes one team to take a chance, and in the 3rd round of the 2005 NFL draft, Henry was selected by the Cincinnati Bengals.
Henry followed his selection with, "I'm worth the chance, I'm just glad they took me."
Henry wasted no time becoming one of the leagues most legally troubled players. Following a series of arrests ranging from domestic disputes to marijuana possession to gun possession, he was eventually suspended for half of the 2007 season.
After being arrested for a fifth time, this one for assault, the Bengals decided even they had enough. District Judge Bernie Bouchard described Henry as "a one man crime wave".
Then, Bengals owner Mike Brown decided to give Henry another chance. Henry wanted to make the most of what would most likely be his last opportunity, and vowed to steer clear of trouble. He had the word "blessed" tattooed below his ear as a reminder to himself. When describing his new maturity he said, "it just comes with time, you know? I learned to handle all situations, so I'll be all right".
Teammate Chad Ochocinco
visibly cried at Henry's funeral
On December 16, 2009, he was involved in a car accident after an alleged domestic dispute. Henry fell out of the back of a moving pickup truck driven by his girlfriend, suffering severe head wounds. At 6:36 am on December 17th, Henry was pronounced dead.
Phil Hartman became famous in the 1980's when he joined Saturday Night Live. Hartman gained notoriety for his impersonations, including that of President Bill Clinton. Hartman stayed for 8 seasons, winning a Prime-time Emmy Award for his work.
On May 28, 1998 Hartman's wife Brynn snuck into the couples bedroom while the actor slept and shot him in the head twice and once in the side with a .38 caliber handgun, killing him instantly.
5. Adam "Pacman" Jones and Lindsay Lohan Pacman's father was murdered when he was four years old. When drafted by the Tennessee Titans in 2005 with the 6th overall pick, he was already on probation for an incident stemming back to his playing days at University of West Virginia.
In college, Jones excelled in football, earning an honorable mention as an All-American, as well as 1st Team All-Big East. He also was an All-American basketball player and track runner, displaying versatility and athleticism that had NFL scouts drooling.
After holding out and missing most of training camp over his contract negotiations, Jones eventually showed up in the locker room. His rookie year, Jones posted 44 tackles, 10 pass deflections, and an arrest for felony assault and felony vandalism from a nightclub incident.
His sophomore season fared much better--on the field. Jones had 62 tackles, 4 interceptions, 1 forced fumble, 12 deflected passes, and returned 3 punts for touchdowns. But success wasn't going to get in his way.
From 2005-2007, Jones was arrested 6 times, and involved in 12 separate incidents involving police.
During the morning of February 19, 2007, Jones was in Las Vegas for the NBA All-Star Game, where he intended to celebrate like one of Poncho Villa's bandits. He walked into the strip club Minxx, along side rapper Nelly, with a plastic garbage bag filled with nearly $100,000 in cash in it. They showered the strippers in bills, making it rain like never before in the arid desert climate. What could possibly go wrong?
When one of the dancers began collecting the money without his permission, Jones grabbed her by the hair and slammed her head onto the dance floor. A security guard intervened, and Jones threatened his life.
Jones, and his six man entourage returned, this time brandishing pistols. One of the members of Jones' group opened fire in the club, damaging equipment, and hitting 3 people. The incident left former professional wrestler Tommy Urbanski, paralyzed from the waist down. The security guard was also shot twice.
The Titans had enough, and traded Jones to the Cowboys. Cowboys owner Jerry Jones felt if Pacman
was given a 14th chance, he might be able to turn it all around. Jones' off-field troubles continued through his days as a Dallas Cowboy, even after being suspended for the entire 2007 season. He was arrested twice more while a member of the Cowboys, including once for an altercation with a chaperon the Cowboys had assigned to keep Pacman out of trouble. The Cowboys released Jones.
Jones doesn't need an alarm clock to
wake up in the morning with friends like these.
Long gone are the days when Lohan was a blossoming, freckle-faced talent. Lesbian sex, cocaine, 3 stints in jail, four trips to rehab, and counting. Impressive stats for the 24 year old former Mean Girl's actress.
Lohan recently tweeted, "I'm a work in progress, just as anyone else."
While former child-celebs Brittany Spears and Nicole Richie have seemingly turned their lives around, Lohan shows no such signs of progress. She was recently arrested for shoplifting a $2,500 necklace from a Venice, California Jewelry shop, then spent a whopping 4.5 hours in the Century Regional Detention Facility for violating her probation.
Hopefully Lohan can stay out of trouble long enough to pose for the upcoming January issue of Playboy.
4. Lawrence Taylor and Hugh Grant
Lawrence Taylor is widely considered the greatest linebacker ever to play the game of football. Accumulating 132.5 career sacks, Taylor led "the big blue wrecking crew" to 2 Superbowl titles, and was named First Team All-Pro in each of his first 9 seasons. Taylor racked up 20.5 sacks during the 1986 season, and was named league MVP. Although he shattered records and forever changed the way the position of linebacker is played, his off-field activities have largely overshadowed his accomplishments, landing him on my list.
LT tested positive for cocaine several times during his playing career, even as early as his second season. He admitted to frequently submitting the urine of his teammates to pass league drug tests. In a 2003 60 Minutes interview with Mike Wallace, Taylor discussed purchasing prostitutes and sending them to opponents hotel rooms the night before games in an effort to tire them out. He also talked about an instance where he once showed up to a team meeting wearing handcuffs. To coaches he explained, "a couple ladies were just trying out some new equipment they had. You know? And I just happened to... and they didn't happen to have the key."
Although LT always lived his life in the fast lane, experiencing numerous arrests for drug possession, it wasn't until 2010 that he would have to explain to his neighbors he is a peder-ass.
Like Jesus, LT is a now listed as a peder-ass.
In describing his fateful night during an interview with Fox, Taylor explained, "I don't card them. I don't ask for a birth certificate." He continued justifying his patronism of the worlds oldest profession, "That's not my M.O. I've been around kids and people all my life. I'm not the cause of prostitution. And sometimes I make mistakes and I may go out there. And I didn't go pick her up on no playground. She wasn't hiding behind the school bus or getting off the school bus. This is a working girl that came to my room."
Well explained LT.
Hugh Grant achieved international stardom following his performance in Four Weddings and a Funeral. Grant established himself as a skilled actor, blending satirical comedic talent, a tremendous work-ethic, good looks, and British charm. However, Grant's off-screen behavior has often overshadowed his work as a Thespian.
Hugh Grant's biggest career mistake was not carrying more cash. On June 27, 1995 a curious LAPD officer noticed a parked BMW frequently pumping its brakes, causing its lights to flash. When he approached the vehicle he saw this bumper sticker on the back and knew exactly what was going on.
Black prostitute Divine Brown normally charged $100 for customers to come up to her motel room, but Grant only had $60 on him at the time. After arduous negotiations, Brown agreed to perform oral sex on him in his car.
Following the incident Grant made a public statement addressing his behavior. "I think you know in life what's a good thing to do and what's a bad thing, and I did a bad thing. And there you have it."
At least Grant owned up to his mistake. Take notes LT.
3. Javaris Crittenton and Thomas "Neo" Anderson
As a high school sophomore Crittenton played along side Dwight Howard at Southwest Atlanta Christian Academy, where the pair led the school to the GHSA class A championship.
It only took one season at Georgia Tech to make his mark, excelling as both a player, and a locker-room leader . As a freshman, he recorded 29 points against Florida State, gaining notice from pro scouts. After a single season, Crittenton declared for the 2007 NBA draft.
The Los Angeles Lakers selected Crittenton with the 19th overall selection. There he rode the bench in a single season of peaceful obscurity.
On February 1, 2008, Crittenton was included as part of the famous head-scratching trade that unloaded dead-weight's Kwame Brown and Aaron Mckie, along with rights to Marc Gasol to the Memphis Grizzlies-- in exchange for Pau Gasol.
The Lakers went on to win two championships, and on December 10, 2008 Crittenton went on to the Washington Wizards.
Crittenton managed to still stay out of national headlines-- until Christmas Eve 2010.
Crittenton was determined not to let success stand in his way.
Crittenton was just sitting at home on his computer minding his own business, when a sexy leather-clad girl with a tattoo of a white rabbit on her shoulder appeared. She led Crittenton to meet Morpheus, who appeared and offered him a choice-- If you take the blue pill, you wake up in bed as a professional athlete with your whole life in front of you. If you take the red pill, your career will be instantly over.
Morpheus offered Crittenton a choice.
The red pill was tough to swallow at first, but after sipping some purple stuff and hitting some Sherm-stick, it went down smoothly.
Javaris Crittenton made national headlines on December 24, after a dispute with Wizards teammate Gilbert Arenas over an alleged gambling debt. Crittenton brought a duffel bag full of guns into the Wizards locker-room--telling Arenas to "choose one." They drew guns on each other in a Mexican standoff before teammates separated the two.
More important than their futures or careers was the unsettled gambling debt.
Crittenton plead guilty to misdemeanor gun possession and given a year of probation. NBA Commissioner David Stern suspended both players for the rest of the season, and was released by the Wizards following the season.
Unlike docile human captives plugged into the Matrix,
Crittenton was able to manipulate the laws of physics to stop success dead in its tracks.
Well we all know that our society is forgiving, and loves to afford people, particularly athletes, second chances. Just look at Michael Vick and Ben Roethlisberger. And we all love a good story about someone who's turned it all around-- almost as much as we loved watching them fall. Deep in our hearts we always tend to believe everything is going to be OK if given a chance. So maybe seeing the error of his ways Crittenton would be able to stay out of trouble.
On August 16, 2011, Crittenton was arrested for the murder of Julian Jones, a 22 year-old mother of four. Bond was set at $230,000, and Crittenton is awaiting trial.
2. Rae Carruth and
William Shakespeare's Romeo
"For never was a story of more woe / Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.
Carruth played four seasons as a wide receiver for the University of Colorado. He was selected in the 1st round with the 27th pick by the Carolina Panthers in the 1997 draft.
Carruth showcased his versatile skill-set during his rookie season, starting 14 games, and catching 44 passes for 545 yards and 4 touchdowns. He was named to the All-Rookie team as a wide receiver.
On November 16, 1999, Cherica Adams, a woman Carruth had been dating, was driving when she was shot four times by Van Brett Watkins, a night-club owner and friend of Carruth's. Adams was eight months pregnant at the time.
Surviving the shooting for a time, Adams called 911 and described what happened to police. Carruth stopped his vehicle in front of hers while another vehicle pulled up along side-- and the passenger opened fire.
Soon after her admission to the hospital she fell into a coma and died. Doctors were able to save the baby by performing an emergency Caesarean section, but Adams died a month later on December 14.
Carruth became a fugitive, and the Panthers swiftly dropped him from their roster, citing a moral clause in the contract.
If Rae Carruth wasn't ready to have kids he should
have just thrown her down a flight of stairs like a real man--
at least that way you can make it look like an accident.
Authorities found Carruth hiding in the trunk of a car outside a motel in Tennessee. Carruth was found guilty of conspiracy to commit murder, shooting into an occupied vehicle, and using an instrument to destroy an unborn child. He was sentenced to 18-24 years in prison, narrowly being spared the death-penalty.
Police found Carruth hiding in the trunk of his car outside of a motel.
Carruth is currently serving a sentence of at least 18 years and 11 months in the Nash Correctional Institution, and isn't scheduled for release until October 22, 2018.
1. O.J. Simpson and... There's no one quite like O.J. Simpson
1968 Heisman winner O.J. Simpson
The Juice led USC, as well as the nation in rushing, in 1967 and in 1968. In 1968 he rushed for 1,709 yards and 22 touchdowns, earning the Heisman trophy.
Simpson was drafted to the Buffalo Bills with the 1st overall pick in the 1969 AFL-NFL common draft.
In 1973 O.J. became the first player in NFL history to rush for over 2,000 yards in a season. Simpson continued his success over the next three seasons, averaging over 1,500 yards per season, and winning four consecutive NFL rushing titles.
Life after football was just as successful for O.J. He had a film career, a white woman, and owned several businesses, including two Pioneer Chicken franchises.
A white woman and a chicken franchise--
what more could O.J. Simpson ask for?
On June 13, 1994 at 12:00 am, the bodies of O.J.'s ex-wife Nichole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman were found murdered outside Brown's Brentwood apartment. O.J. was the immediate suspect.
This led to "The trial of the century," and the instant devaluation of white Ford Broncos across America.
O.J. Simpson hired the "Dream Team" of defense lawyers, including, Johnny Cochran, Robert Shapiro, and Robert Kardashian. O.J.'s defense cost between $3-6 million, and the televised trial made celebrities out of the attorney's during 134 days of testimony.
I for one am glad O.J. did what he did, because if O.J. never murders his wife and Ron Goldman,
the nation would have been deprived of its most beloved celebrity family.
If O.J. never kills his wife of course we also wouldn't have
So thank you O.J.
After murdering two people O.J. writes a book titled "If I did it," outlining in gruesome detail how he would have done what he did committing the murders that he did--had he done it. Or something like that, I didn't read it.
In September of 2011, after a night of drinking and watching Ocean's 11, O.J. and several other gunmen walked into the Palace Station Casino in Las Vegas and demanded they hand over memorabilia that allegedly belonged to O.J.
For this failed, but brazen robbery attempt O.J. not only procured his memorabilia-- but Clark County District Court also threw in 33 years behind bars at no extra charge.
O.J. won't be out of prison until at least 2017.
Thank you O.J. And Thank You America for producing such colorful figures.
Although I never could quite understand exactly what she was saying, by the tone of it, it sounded as though she didn't care for the noxious bleach fumes she inhaled while cleaning my bathroom. Doesn't that stuff cause brain-damage? Don't worry Maria, it's not like Jose was going to grow up to be an engineer anyway.
