My 2011 Top 10 NFL People I Love To Hate

Nobody loves to root against people more than I do, and this NFL season has provided me with plenty of material.

Traditionally, the half-way point of the NFL season is the time of year the Raider's mathmatically eliminate themselves from playoff contention, bequeathing me with a feeling of satisfaction.  Afterall, over the last decade what's been more fun than watching Oakland unravel late in games with a series of painful penalties, turnovers, mis-management, and overall general dysfunction.

Remember the 2007 overtime game in Denver which the Raider's won by a 52 yard field goal-- only to find out Mike Shanahan called a last second time-out before the snap?

Nobody on either side heard a whistle. Sideline judge Bryon Boston appeared to grant the Raiders the field goal, and the Raider's won the game. Broncos players started to walk off the field and head toward the sideline.

Raiders players and coaches alike began to celebrate a much needed win in a season which had been tumultuous thus far to say the least.

Then-- the refs huddled.

The time-out whistle had been blown but was muffled by the thunderous crowd of 76,784. The kick was waved off due to the time-out and would have to be re-kicked.

The Raiders held their breath and joined hands on the sideline. Coach Lane Kiffin was still with anticipation. Players embraced one another, hoping and praying in unison for a much needed victory. Another season that started so promising, had once again began to decay.

Sebastian Janikowski, known for his late-night partying, but more importantly known for his acceptionally strong leg and clutch kicking skills lined up to re-try the kick.

Good snap-- good hold-- the kick looked good and it had the distance. The Raiders watched the kick in silence--they watched it as a team-- they watched it bounce off the top of the right upright. Denver drove down the field and won the game. I miss those days as much as you do.

Here in 2011, with no Jamarcus Russell on the roster, and the passing of Al Davis, I find myself having a soft spot for the Raiders. Compassion makes me feel queasy, so i've compiled a new list of NFL people I love to hate.

Because i'm undoubtedly ill, i'm a huge fan of Plaxico Burress, Michael Vick, Pacman Jones, Chris Cook, Brandon Marshall, and just about anyone else who puts their street-credibility and whatever set they claim ahead of their football team.- so they didn't make my list.

10. Curtis Painter

Let's be honest, Curtis Painter stepping in for Peyton Manning is the worst move since Brenda Walsh was replaced by Valerie Malone on 90210.

I still find it hard to believe that the once mighty Colts, who struck fear in the eyes of opponents for a decade, are winless. How could Bill Polian, brilliant GM of the Colts allow this to happen? I did some investigative digging to find out.

Prince Valium

 It turns out, President Skroob and Dark Helmet have formulated a plan to suck out all the fresh air from Planet Druidia. They plan to kidnap Princess Vespa on the day of her pre-arranged marriage to Prince Valium, and use her as ransom. I knew Painter looked familiar.





9. Aaron Rodgers

Aaron Rodgers and girlfriend Destiny Newton

8-0 this year. 15 straight wins going back to last year. Aaron Rodgers leads the league in passing td's (24), qb rating (129.1), and nearly every other offersive category. He's the runaway favorite so far this season for league MVP. Blah blah blah. But does he have a big-breasted blonde girlfriend? Damn it.




8. Norv Turner

Whether it's the Edward James Almos skin or the fact the Charger's find new ways to underachieve, I almost always root against Turner. Even though the Charger's have lost 3 in a row, there's no need to panic because they play in the AFC West. Even with a league high 14 interceptions and a qb rating of 81.4, Phillip Rivers is still the best qb in the division.

7. Redskins Owner Daniel Snyder

 Snyder has a net-worth of $1.05 billion. He vacations on his $70 million dollar, 224 foot yacht-- and voyages around the world in his Bombardier BD-700 Global Express XRS. I'm cleaning out the barrel of my high-powered rifle as I write this.



Tell me, how can you not take pleasure in watching Snyder fail as a wanna-be GM year after year using his specially formulated hands-on approach of trading away draft picks-- to bring in over-paid, over-the-hill has-been's. Since Snyder bought the Redskins, they boast a losing record of 89-111, and have had 7 different coaches in 12 seasons. If you take the money he wasted by giving big contracts to Albert Haynesworth, Deion Sanders, Adam Archuletta, Bruce Smith, Shawn Springs, Andre Carter, Jeff George, and Brandon Lloyd-- he could have ended world hunger, homelessness, and balanced the current European debt crisis.

I'm pretty sure there isn't one Snyder fan in Washington.
An amazing feat, because right up until the end,
even Gaddafi still had a few supporters.

As if that's not enough, since the recession began in 2008, the Redskins have begun the practice of suing season ticket holders that are unable to pay, despite Snyder's claim there is a waiting list of potential buyers of over 200,000 people. In a city once know as the "Murder Capitol" of the U.S., Snyder better watch his back while rolling through Columbia Heights.

6. Dallas Cowboys Owner Jerry Jones

As of 2009, Forbes Magazine estimated the Dallas Cowboys to be worth $1.65 billion dollars, making it the most valuable sports franchise in the history of the United States. Cowboys Stadium, seats 80,000 and is the largest domed stadium in the world. America's Team is also America's wealthies team, generating $269 million in annual revenue.






Everything's bigger in Texas- except winning playoff records. Proof you can't buy victories. In the last decade the Boys have won 1 playoff game despite having one of the most talented rosters and an owner willing to spend. As it turns out, everything being bigger in Texas isn't necessarily a good thing. 

5. The Brothers Ryan

Is there anything more annoying than a needy, self-centered, attention-seeking fat-ass like Rex Ryan? Lucky for us there is. Rex has a twin brother named Rob who is the defensive coordinator for the Dallas Cowboys.

Rex Ryan impersonating his brother.

Earth to Rex Ryan- how about focusing on winning football games and saving the comedic sattire to funny people. Granted, two consecutive trips to the AFC title game is impressive, but 4-4 this season isn't gonna cut it Rexy. Not in New York, and not after you guaranteed multiple championships.

The New York Jets seem to create more distractions
for themselves than Cardinal Mahony at a children's birthday party.

Not wanting the media spotlight eclipsed by his corpulent brother, Rob Ryan has made several bold statements this season in an effort to look just as ridiculous. First, he called out Calvin Johnson in week 4, saying he was only good in video games. Then, from the sideline, he watched the Lions surgically dismantle his complex defensive schemes, handing the Cowboys a loss. Megatron gashed the secondary for 8 receptions, totalling 96 yards and 2 touchdowns.
Apparently not learning his lesson, last week he again brought attention to himself. Rob called the Philadelphia Eagles the "all-hype" team, and what happened? You guessed it. The Cowboys tanked in their worst loss of the year, losing the game 34-7.



Is Rob Ryan trying to look like Jeffrey Lebowski? For his woes, Lebowski at least had the peeing Chinaman to blame for his rug-- Rob Ryan has nobody to blame but himself.












4. Andrew Luck

Could there be any more pressure on this kid? Yet to take an NFL snap, or even declare himself eligible for the 2012 draft, Andrew Luck has already been crowned by the media as the second coming of Jesus. With a mug like that, he better have some talent to fall back on.

I'm so sick of hearing pundits talk about which team Luck is gonna step into and ressurect. He's such a sure thing, fans and analysts alike are cheering "suck for Luck", in hopes of their team being lucky enough to be dead last in the standings, and a chance to draft him. I'm not saying he's not had an accomplished college career, or that he's unworthy of the 1st overall pick in next years draft-- but history has provided us with a plethora of QB busts to cite as exhibits A-Z in the don't count your chickens before they're hatched category.

Ryan Leaf in 1998 on Draft Day.
Leaf recieved a 4 year contract worth $31.25 million,
with a guaranteed $11.25 million signing bonus.
At the time, this was the largest contract ever given to a rookie.

 On May 21, 2009,
Ryan Leaf was indicted for charges of burglary,
and possession of a controlled-substance.
He recieved 10 years probation.

3. Jay Cutler

Cutler must be taking fashion tips
from Rodney Bingenheimer.

I really wanted to put Cutler higher on the list because I really love watching him lose. Legitimate injury or not, when Cutler left the NFC Championship game last season it made my week. I think it's a combination of the Rodney Bingenheimer haircut and the fact you have to hold your breath every time he drops back in the pocket wondering if he's gonna throw another costly interception.

Upon his arrival to the airport, the city of Denver swiftly eulogized Cutler as the next John Elway. Coming out of Vanderbilt he displayed a rocket-arm, good football instincts, and tremendous upside.
After several promising seasons with the Broncos, I initially thought Denver had made a mistake by trading him to Chicago in 2009- until I learned of what Chicago gave up to get him. The Broncos recieved Kyle Orton, 1st and 3rd round picks in 2009, and Chicago's 2010 1st round pick. Even Josh McDaniels couldn't turn that one down.

This year, he dumped Kristin Cavallari in what might be the worst move of his professional career.

2. Peyton Hillis

Hillis had the world in the palm of his hands before the 2011 NFL season kicked off. He made the cover of Madden 2012, and awed a nation of people (myself) into actually believing that a white man could play running back in the NFL. Hillis became the first white rusher since Craig James to go over 1,000 yards rushing in a season. Hillis had over 2,000 all-purpose yards in 2010, and joined Marshall Faulk as the only players in NFL history to achieve 260 rushing yards, 4 rushing TD's, and 160 recieving yards in a single game.

But in 2011, Hillis has produced only turmoil. His off-season was marred with uncertainty surrounding his contract situation. The last thing people want to hear about with a national unemployment rate of nearly 11% is a disgruntled professional athlete moaning about his contract in a league where the minimum salary still puts you in the top 1% of earners in the U.S. The reason most people watch football is to distract their minds from how miserable their own lives are. That's why places like Cleveland, Cincinnati, Philadelphia, Green Bay, and Pittsburgh are so passionate about football, regardless of their teams success.

Even these kids get more playing time than Peyton Hillis.

To make matters worse, in week 3 Hillis sat out the game against the Miami Dolphins, allegedly for strep-throat, but many believed (including players in his own locker room) his absence was related to lack of a new contract.

Following that, two seperate hamstring injuries have had him seeing less playing time this season than a 9 year old in China. Not surprisingly, it's now being rumored the Browns are most likely going to part ways with Peyton as soon as the season ends.




To top it all off, on Halloween he just blew-off trick-or-treating with 100 kids from the Boys and Girls Club. You oughtta be ashamed of yourself Mr. Hillis.

1. Tony Romo

Perhaps Romo will fare better in his next career.

Only a real A--HOLE could dump Jessica Simpson the night before her birthday. She's rich, beautiful, and talented... well maybe not talented-- but neither are you Tony Romo. Well not at football anyway. The fact that he has a huge contract despite any NFL playoff success, plays for the Cowboys, and golfs-- is enough to land him the first spot on my list.