Santa's not coming to my house... again. I know I've been naughty but let me tell you it's been worth every bit. Nobody likes to feel left out and since my home isn't the only one Santa is going to skip, I thought that I would take it upon myself to spread some holiday cheer this Christmas. It's a bye-week for Asian's so not one Asian joke in the entire blog.
It's more about giving than receiving.
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| Mom was right! It is better to give than receive! |
So here are some gifts I'll be passing out this year:
1. Arnold Schwarzenegger:
$100 Molly Maid Gift Card-- The Perfect Gift!
Now that the Governator has split with wife (I think she's a woman) Maria Shriver, and retired from politics, he can finally stop screwing the State of California and get back to doing what it is he enjoys best in life-- Screwing Housekeepers!
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| Hard to believe that Arnold's hideous maid was actually more attractive than his wife. |
"Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women!"
A bold statement from a guy who's banging an uglier house maid than Berta from Two and a Half Men.
And just in case he misses Maria and feels lonely on a rainy afternoon, as a stocking stuffer I threw in The Dark Crystal DVD, so he can watch Maria play Aughara in her silver-screen debut.
2. Jerry Sandusky:
Soap on a rope and Cherry flavored Anal Ease!
Sandusky had been hosting more erotic male-male orgies than any Roman Emperor ever did. Ain't karma a beeyotch you sick old pervert?
3. Kim Kardashian: The Big Boss (Black of course)
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Big Boss- Black
40% Off Sale
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It seems like every time I turn on ESPN Kim Kardashian's fat ass is on TV waddling around clinging onto yet another black athlete. Is anyone else tired of it yet? In Kansas, a woman can still be hung for what she gets paid millions to do, or at the very least, disowned from her family. Kim's already gone through the rap industry and the NFL, and is currently working her way through the NBA. We get it already... you're a whore! At this point, her vagina must look like the Cave of the Whispering Orchids.
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| An exclusive look inside of Kim's vagina. |
Congratulations Kim, you found the only way to make the person responsible for allowing O.J. to get away with murder feel worse about himself. Daddy must be proud. When people finally decide they can't possibly keep up with the Kardashian's anymore, there is always the possibility of a lucrative film career in Daddy's Worst Nightmare 3.
4. Iran They need a lot of help-- but since we're on a tight budget this year we can only choose one item.
Instruction Manual for RQ-170 Sentinel Drone
Even though 7-11 is open 24 hours a day and the re-sale value of your neighbors salvaged '85 Mercedes is still the same today as it was 10 years ago, as a culture and country Iranian's still get a bad wrap. So let's clear the air, lend them a helping hand this Xmas, and show a little appreciation for those "special deal" cell phone discounts at the mall.
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| Even though 7-11 is open 24-7, Iranian's still get a bad wrap. |
Iranian's did invent the flying carpet... which is totally awesome... but am I really supposed to believe that just because the Iranian's captured a U.S. surveillance drone that they are actually going to be able to replicate the drone or enrich enough Uranium to use it against us? I think not. That seems like a much more difficult task than their technological capabilities will allow.
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| Iranian scientist's are working tirelessly around the clock to replicate the American Spyplane. |
I can't even assemble a file cabinet from Ikea or hang Xmas lights without running into problems-- and I'm a white male!
I can only imagine what the scene must have looked like when the Iranian's first discovered it. Mohamed Ali-Baba Akbar was just sitting at home getting ready to beat his wife when an object unexpectedly fell from the sky...
He quickly gathered the strange item and brought it to the Iranian Institute For Studies In Theoretical Physics and Mathematics.
Where the strange item sent from Allah stumped the greatest minds the country has to offer.
5. Anthony Weiner:
MasturStroke 5000
Who's Anthony Weiner you ask? Let me refresh your memory--WeinerGate. Still no?
Him being a white guy, I had to enhance this photo 30x it's actual size. Supposedly he's erect in this picture. Take it from me Mr. Former Congressman, when they laugh and point, it's not a good thing.
Tweeting pictures of your junk to college interns is probably not the best thing for your political career. If you are going to do it, make sure you are at least equipped to be doing so. A weaselly Jew pretty-boy politician from New York sexting weenie pics is not going to impress a hot young college seductress. We know she was asking for it Mr. Weiner, but allow me to suggest an ad in Craig's List and Rufalin next time, and advise you against posting images on the internet.
Weiner should have just showed off his brand new Mercedes and flashed his Law School diploma like all the other self-respecting white politicians.
Black guys from New Orleans' 9th Ward don't try to pull tail by showing off their SAT scores.
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| Antoine knows it's going to take more than SAT scores or his diploma from MLK Elementary School to pull tail (men or women). |
6. Osama Bin Laden:
Bose Noise Cancelling Headphones
How's the whole 72 virgin thing working out for you now Osama? Didn't think so.
Can you imagine all the whining and moaning and complaining and bitching and honey-do lists-- not to mention periods-- of 72 women?
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| Osama took on a part-time minimum-wage job just to get the heck out of the house for a little peace and quiet. |
7. Raider's Owner Al Davis:
A losing season.
(This one is really for everyone)
2011 Raiders Record: 7-6
Stay hopeful America, we just have to hang in there and believe. Although the Raider's temporarily showed some promise, inspired from the passing of the only owner the organization has ever had, in recent weeks they have managed to unravel in ways only Oakland can. As we head down the final stretch of the 2011 NFL season, where every game counts, the Raider's have lost two in a row by a combined score of 80-30. Now they need binoculars to watch Denver, as Tim Tebow and the Bronco's run away with the Division. Two losses in a row has also managed to keep the Charger's, losers of six straight at one point, alive in the AFC Wildcard Playoff hunt. Go Raider's!
8. Michael Jackson's Doctor Conrad Murray:
The same cocktail of medication he gave to finish off Michael.
Where he's going, it's going to take a strong dose of elephant tranquilizers to dull the pain. Hopefully he stashed away enough pills to last a couple of years. He can even practice loosening up his anal cavity for his new friends by filling up a baloon with a 3 year supply of Fentalyn and sneaking it into prison inside his rectum.
The first inmate to claim that sweet piece of dark meat will not only get to be the first man to toss his salad, but he will also experience a heavenly numbing sensation when he cunches the peanuts inside the chocolate pudding.
Look at the bright-side Dr. Murray-- you should hopefully only serve two years of your four year sentence, so that should only be about 600 or 700 raping's, instead of twice that.
9. Casey Anthony:
Plan B Morning-After Pills
Now while I don't agree with what she did, if you are going to murder your own baby, do the World a favor and do it like everyone else.
I'm no legal expert and I'm not here to judge the trial. But I do know, as a Country, we need to stop wasting tax payer dollars that we don't have to put people like this on trial, when we should be executing them instead. I'm not talking about holding them on Death Row for 10 years either, I mean skipping the trial and dragging her out back and shooting her in the back of the head.
10. City of Vancouver:
1 Economy ticket to Ghana
(To learn how to really riot from those who know best-- black people!)
On June 15, 2011, the City of Vancouver broke out into full-scale riots when their beloved Canuck's lost to the Boston Bruins in the Stanley Cup Finals, after having led the series 3-2. At least 140 people were injured during the chaos, 4 people were stabbed, 9 police officers were injured, and over 100 people were arrested. As disgraceful as the incident was, it pales in comparison to what happened in Africa-- go figure.As if we needed more proof that blacks are more violent than whites, in May of 2001, a match between two of Ghana's best teams led to a stampede at the overflowing stadium, killing 120 people, making it Africa's worst soccer disaster ever -- no small feat.
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| Ghana Soccer Riots, May 2001 |
You are so brilliant!
ReplyDeletei feel racist just reading this
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