Break out the cocaine and hookers because we're all screwed

We're entering scary times.

Question: Which of these erratic looking charts is the GOP's latest Gallup poll numbers reflecting candidate (dis)approval volatility as well as voters genuine lack of fervor toward any of the nominee's in this years primary...



























And which is showing the ventricular fibrillation this guy is experiencing after eating an 8,000 calorie Quadruple Bypass Burger from the Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas, complete with 20 slices of unadulterated (not drained from cooking fat) bacon, and topped-off with an extra-large order of Flatliner Fries (fried in pure lard) and a butter-fat vanilla shake?






Not sure? Me neither... I was hoping you would know.







At some point, Someone is going to have to win this Republican Primary race...eventually...right?









Following the destruction of the entire German 6th Army after a decisive loss at the Battle of Stalingrad, in February 1943, and another crucial loss at the Battle of Kursk, Adolf Hitler's approval rating was still triple that of any of our 2012 Republican challengers.







Eenie Meenie Miney Moe....

If you haven't yet watched any of this year's Primary action I suggest you do so because you're really missing out. The candidates all stand very poised and Presidential looking (except Ron Paul who needs to stand on several phone books to see over the podium), and then the poo-slinging begins:

Ron Paul, invariably looking eager to get back to the rose garden he protects, generally seems disconnected from the well-funded, party-affiliated politicians he's competing against. Generally remaining quiet and avoiding engaging in the primitive political practice of poo-slinging, he usually winds up with between 6-13% of the vote.




Note to Ron Paul: Americans aren't interested in boring subjects like budget balancing, job creation, and bringing the U.S. back to the Gold Standard before our economy collapses like the house of cards that it is before we turn into Greece--


Americans want good-looking people and they want drama. Lots of drama. It doesn't matter what you say or do as long as you're handsome or have huge huge tits. Americans don't want facts or statistics, they want to know which over-emotional slut is going to win the heart of The Bachelor, resulting in an unforgettable 3 week relationship fueled by a dangerous cocktail of tabloid pictures, alcohol, and Prozac, and based on the values of perpetual self-promotion and egotistical over-exploitation. Save the fancy jargon and political rhetoric for your AARP meetings Mr. Paul, America is not interested in reform.

Far more people tuned in to watch the season premiere of The Bachelor than
 all of the Republican Primary debates comined. (I made that up but it's probably true.)

That brings me to... Newt Gingrich. Fat, adulterating, and repugnant. What's not to like about the Newtster-- besides everything?

Newt lucidly, yet illogically, chooses to remain disconnected from other Earthlings. Choosing to stay lost in his own enigmatically "grandiose" ideas like colonizing the moon by the end of his second term. Newt hasn't seen reality since he last saw his penis, which was sometime during the late 1960's while avoiding the draft. But since he once met Ronald Reagan, has a win in South Carolina under his enormous belt, and is only transparent enough to see through if you're paying attention to politics, he continuously remains a viable threat to both logic and reason, as well as the 2012 the GOP nomination.

  Newt hasn't seen his wiener since fleeing to Canada in 1967 to avoid the draft during the Vietnam War.  The last time he saw it he was serving up bj's to any willing politician in a successful effort to avoid getting shot by Gooks in the Vietnam jungle. Not coincidentally, this is also how he got started in politics. Well played Newt.

(I could run with the whole disparaging Newt thing for days but for the sake of keeping this blog less than 60,000 words I'm stopping here.)





And then there is Rick Santorum-- the only candidate who makes Newt Gingrich look sane and rational. Who wouldn't fall instantly in love with a face like this?

 59% of his home State of Pennsylvania-- that's who.

 The native Pennsylvanian lost his 2006 Senate seat in his home State by the largest margin (18%) of any Senator during that Senate election, not to mention, Bob Casey's win over Santorum was the largest margin ever by a Democrat over an incumbent Republican in a Senate race.





Showing the persistent resilience of a genital wart, in addition to sharing the same resistance to modern Western medicine, Santorum has vowed to fight to the bitter end in the race for the Republican seat. For the 2012 campaign Santorum clearly needed help from an expert team of political strategists to increase his likability. He called upon a team with old-fashioned family values and a traditional style of thinking with an impeccable record who could surely help him connect with an American public living in modern times.







With stone-age principles such as opposing women in the work-force, staunchly opposing a woman's right to choose, the denial of Evolution, wanting to reinstate don't ask don't tell in the military, and of course, his comparisons of homosexuality to bestiality-- Santorum should be a big hit in KKK rallies across the south, and a lock in the Alabama primary.





And last but not least--at least not yet unless things keep going the way they have been going...

Erudite and debonair, Mitt Romney is the only real hope of Republicans in defeating Obama. This Mormon Corporate Raider is in the top .00000000000000000000000000001% of wealthy Americans. That should really help him connect with the public.

What are the chances this model American is voting for Romney?

Add to that the fact that he's a Mormon, a strange religious cult started by a nut named Joseph Smith who claimed to have spoken to God, who in turn, told Smith to start a new religion allowing it's male followers to slay as much strange new poontang as possible (paraphrasing the Book of Mormon of course)-- and Republicans should really start getting nervous.




It's hard to believe that with a popularity rating hovering in the low 30's that this guy is actually the front runner. That takes me back to what I said before about needing a handsome candidate who constantly stirs up debate, even if it's with his absurd commentary and offensive pandering. Singing a terrible rendition of America the Beautiful to old Floridian fogies and off-the-wall statements like "not caring about the very poor", at first might seem inappropriate, but it keeps Romney in the headlines, and in this modern toxic political environment that's all that matters.




During the debates, no candidate mentions anything about how they plan on fixing the Country, at least not in specifics. Instead, the mud-slinging continues for 2 hours until each exhausted candidate smells their own fingers, instantly realizing their own hands are just as filthy and poo-covered as the guy standing next to them.

Then a week later, give or take, the whole process repeats itself in a different state.



Question: Why don't they just focus on sharing their political beliefs and try to save the country while we're still afloat enough to be circling the drain and leave the poo-slinging to the monkeys at the zoo you ask?




Answer: What are you...crazy??? If word were to spread about their actual political stances their impeccable reputations would be tarnished faster then that passed out freshman girl who made the conscious decision to sleep with the entire Sigma Kappa Gamma Fraternity while she was unconscious.







These politicians are way too smart for that. Every great actor, comedian, or orator knows you need to remain mysterious, keep the crowd guessing a bit, and then leave with the audience wanting more. That's why they only let us in on a few of their political beliefs. We don't have much to work with yet but let's go ahead and take a look at what we do have...let's see...I want to get to the really important stuff, the stuff that's been creating headlines lately... economy? No. Jobs? Nope. Iran creating fuel rods with intention of creating nuclear weapons? No. A national debt that's nearing our Country's annual GDP thrusting us toward impending economic doom, complete with a shiny new 2012 $1.3 Trillion deficit budget plan to match? Wrong again.



Well then what the hell could they be debating about? 

Of course!! Birth control pills!! How silly of me to forget. And who better to decide what a woman should do with her body than this panel of experts:

Wait...what? What the hell would Clergymen know about women or birth control? Little boys can't get pregnant.










After weeks and weeks of slandering one another, the nominee's finally moved past the releasing of those Goddamn tax statements, confirming what we already knew--they are all a bunch of rich, lying, cheating, decietful, tax-dodging fucking cocksuckers-- some just more than others. So now, until we get this whole contraception paid for by health care or not paid for by health care thing settled, we're just going to have to put everything else on hold.




I don't know about you but I can't wait to see what comes next!!