Who Will Win The Republican Nomination?

Does a Gingrich victory in South Carolina mean the race is over?

Although Gingrich is considerably younger in this picture,
he could be running away with the 2012 Republican nomination.

Last Thursday night, from a crowded auditorium in Charleston, S.C., the pungent smell of burning flesh was permeating in the air while the four remaining Republican candidates turned up the heat, grilling one another like a pig from Sweatman's BBQ. In a critical, sometimes venemous debate for the Republican Presidential nomination, each candidate argued their case as to why they should be the nominee, pleading to the caucasian Evangelical audience, that if they are not elected, the Country will be sure to fall into the evil clutches of Barack Obama and the Democrats.



The stakes were high. Winning South Carolina is a critical element in the pursuit of the nomination. The crowd was tough, passionate, and diverse, both economically speaking, and culturally. The all white, Christian audience ranged from middle, to upper-middle class, their lineage evident and traceable to an array of Western European Countries.

Romney had less in common with this crowd then one might suspect at first glance.

Leading up to this point, the battle for the nomination had already taken months, cost each candidate millions of dollars, taken thousands of grueling man-hours, and seen a handful of their battle-hardened political comrades already drop out of the race, their hopes and dreams going up in flames. Nobody was going out without a fight. Each knew in his heart and mind the right direction for this great Country of ours going forward. Each swore to give it their best effort, and to not allow any of the other God-hating, abortion-loving, amnesty-granting, liberal Republican candidates to snatch away their victory. So into the octagon they climbed, confident and ready to debate all of the important issues facing our Nation today.



For two emotion-fueled hours, each candidate exposed the others skeletons, which they had been hiding in the closet all along, buried deep in the back of the closet, next to the etch-a-stetch and signed Ricky Martin CD, sitting right next to homosexuality.

There is no telling what these candidates are hiding in the closet.

After the debate, like a jury at a murder trial, for 48 arduous hours South Carolina voters would be left to deliberate and examine all the evidence, determine fact from fiction, figure out exactly what they had just heard, what the hell had just happened, then decipher which candidate they hate the least, before finally casting their crucial Primary vote.



In the end, it was Newt Gingrich who walked away with South Carolina and 40% of the vote, as well as the momentum heading into Florida. At first this news might be shocking, even alarming, but when you stop to analyze the situation thouroughly, looking at the key issues the candidates debated, it all begins to make sense.






Forget the fact Newt Gingrich left his first wife while she had cancer, left his second wife for denying Newt an open marriage and the chance to slay young intern poontang while she battled with Multiple Sclerosis, let's just stay focused on the important issues here--WHERE ARE THOSE TAX RETURNS ROMNEY!!!!!

If eventually elected President, Gingrich will undoubtedly have to make some tough calls, but leaving his sick wife for the chance to crush young intern ass was a no-brainer.

Point Gingrich. No Point for Romney due to failure to produce tax returns.




Newt mockingly sneered at Romney during Romney's pathetic rebuttle when asked if he would ever release his Tax Returns. Mitt, glowing with sweat and eyes wandering, drew a blank as he racked his brain for his well-rehearsed line. He uncomfortably laughed trying to buy himself much needed seconds.

He re-booted his central mainframe restarting his train of thought--still nothing. He had recited every possible answer to this question hundreds of times. He knew all of his lines an hour before the show...er debate...how could this happen now? He thought about inserting a joke about how it would take so much paper to fit all the zero's behind his net-worth that they would have to chop down half the Amazon Rainforest just to meet his paper supply needs, but was well enough coached to quickly rule this out. His people had already programmed the latest poll numbers into Romney's state-of-the-art internal processor, numbers indicating his genuine disconnect with the middle-class American public. According to data compiled by his campaign, the last time Romney joked about his wealth there had been an immediate 2% drop in his supporter confidence. The last thing this Zillionaire Corporate Magnate wants to do is paint himself as a Zillionaire Corporate Magante. So he paused another moment, allowing his brain to properly weigh the statistics and forecast projections for each possible response. Then...the answer hit him.



Romney eyes bobbed around the room avoiding contact with audience, camera or candidates. He made some gurgling noises and appeared to be suffering from a seizure. Determined to simultaneously silence the doubters and critics and snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, he enlightened the world with the answer millions of people had been waiting weeks to hear.

"Er...uh...I...uh...eh...ummmm...don't need...er...eh...uh....to release at this time but a later time.... April...ha ha ha....1988....umm...reform...uh...oh", finishing it off with another uncomfortable laugh.



Point Gingrich.

"Oh Mittey boy, I released my tax returns...nana-nana boo-boo."

That was the big issue that set the tone early for a two hour ass-whooping many would label as an upset. At this point in the debate, what else really matters? Mitt's tax returns are obviously the most important issue plaguing America, so until we settle this, how can we possibly expect Newt, or the other candidates looking to obtain the most powerful position in all of the free world to discuss unemployment, especially unemployment amongst veterans (which is twice the National average), or the never-ending wars in the hopeless Middle-East, our growing $14 Trillion National Debt, inflation, Iran enriching uranium, another psycho North Korean Dictator taking power, homelessness, the fact that 1 out of 3 kids in this Country are hungry, the separation of classes, a crumbling educational system, etc.... until we get those God Damn Tax Returns Romney!!!!

Even without tax returns, romney's sweet hair-do, not his policies landed him 28% of the votes in South Carolina.

Let us also not forget the fact that Mitt Romney, is a baby-killer, and the political master-mind behind "Romney-Care" and "tax-payer funded abortions". Believe it or not folks, Romney formerly supported a womans right to chose. What??? I'm no Political Science Major, but to me that sounds an awful lot like Women's Rights, something as a Nation we definitely cannot allow. If we start allowing women to have rights, pretty soon they will be able to vote, and, God forbid...drive!! Romney you deceitful liberal heathen!! In the Declaration of Independance, Thomas Jefferson said, "All Men are created equal." If he thought women were equal, he would have said so.


Point Gingrich.




So Romney is out, at least in South Carolina, but what about Ron Paul?




Santorum, Gingrich, and Romney were all on the same page with this one. It's War Strategy 101 to form temporary alliances while fighting for a common goal. To help formulate and better shape a focused attack on Ron Paul, the three real candidates stole a page right out of a history book-- Blitzkrieg, by Len Dieghton.

Ron Paul would be Poland in 1939.

Not to panick. Perhaps Ron Paul could anticipate this attack coming, launch a counter-attack, and win over the people with the fact he is an actual veteran.

As a respected war veteran who actually saw combat and worked his whole life as a doctor delivering babies,
Ron Paul alienated himself from the well-funded, corporate sponsored, beauracratic Washington cronies.  

Nope.


In previous debates, Newt Gingrich preemptively planned this as Newt emphasised that he was loosely related to people who served in combat--so obviously he is just as much a patriot as Ron Paul, and you hate America if you don't believe that. Damn it!! You're a slippery one Gingrich.


Without the help of corrupt corporate sponsorship and powerful political Super P.A.C.'s, Ron Paul's supply lines were systematically cut off, similar to the German Army's defeat at the Battle of the Bulge. Little by little, Paul became outflanked, outnumbered and outsupplied.



A candidate who speaks of common sense, ignoring cohesive, derisive attacks from his opponents to focus on real issues--there can only be one outcome.

With attacks coming from all sides the south Carolina nomination quickly became a war of attrition for Ron Paul's camp.

Balancing the budget and a common sense approach was the ground Ron Paul was running on, landing him a whopping 13% of the vote.  As a country we're definitely not ready for that kind of radicalism. End of story.



Point everyone else.

Common sense was the ground Ron Paul was running on--
which turned out to be made by ACME.

What about Santorum?






Rick Santorum, an unwavering conservative from Pennsylvania, once knew some people who worked in coal mines--clearly that means he has a legitimate connection with the struggling American middle-class and is the candidate of the working man.










As blindly conservative as Gingrich on all Republican party-line issues, Santorum could perhaps be the most viable threat to Newt's 2012 Presidential run.

Rick Santorum once met this guy so there's no way you can say he's out of touch with the American people.

Knowing coal miners, combined with the fact that while he worked as a lawyer in Pittsburgh, Santorum battled in court to abolish steroid testing in professional wrestling, Santorum could pose a real threat to Newt.

Since you won Iowa, and since this guy has your back, you're no longer considered an underdog Santorum. 

With three states in the books, and three victories from three different opponents, it's fair to say we have to wait longer to find out who will win the Republican nomination.