Please God no more Tebow Time!

I'm not Religious but I'm praying to you GOD--no more Tim Tebow!

I don't know about you but I was rooting for the rapist last weekend. Not Kobe Bryant, I don't care about Basketball yet. I'm talking about the man I would most want to party with in professional sports, Ben Roethlisberger (besides Lawrence Taylor of course). How could the Steelers lose to the Broncos? How could you do this to me Big Ben? I know you played with 6 broken bones and had the mobility of R2D2, and that the unpredictability of football with the idea of "any given Sunday" is one of the reasons the NFL so great, but why to Tebow?


Thinking only of myself, that means I'm going to have to hear about GOD all week again. That means more overweight, extra-chromosome laden inbred Middle-American retards boasting about GOD's influence. That means a trip back in time to an era where players wore leather helmets and had zero passing attack, rushing the ball 60 times a game--before football was watchable and baseball was exciting. It also means more Phillipino civilians dying from Tsunamis and flooding wreaking havoc all over their Country after Tom Brady destroys the Broncos again (Just like in December). But most important (because I'm selfish and don't care about Phillipinos), that means I'm going to be subjected to another mundane 3 hours of passing futility akin to the 4th grade pop-warner kids. I'd rather watch paint dry or grass grow than Tim Tebow playing quarterback (if that didn't mean a Mexican day-laborer being at my house).

I got my sweet new ink and will be praying for the end of Tebow Time.

Just because Tebow led a series of improbable 4th quarter comebacks doesn't make him a good QB. Reading complex NFL defenses and making split-second decisions followed with a tight spiral thrown into a small window deep down field--routinely--does. Handing the ball off to Willis Mcgahee 30 times a game or running a quarterback draw doesn't. That makes you a white runningback (which is an amazing feat in itself). Tim Tebow is just Denver's hybrid version of the Wildcat running-back, and against the Patriots, that should last about as long as the geeky American Pie kid seeing Nadia naked for the first time.

Also on a side note, the option offense should be left behind in high school, along with virginity, comic books, 5 dudes riding in a car together, and any lingering Religious beliefs you might have had branded into your brain from a traumatic Catholic School education.

These 7 year old pop-warner kids can throw the ball better than Tebow.

I don't care how many people Roethlisberger rapes at least he can throw a spiral and complete a pass further then the line of scrimmage. They were probably asking for it anyway so don't be so quick to judge Big Ben and think that Tebow is so great. Please God, I promise I'll go to Church (crossing my fingers of course) just please, please, please don't subject me to anymore Tim Tebow games.


It's not that I dislike Tim Tebow for being Christian, or for his constant displays of faith, it's that I can't stand the idea of having to watch another professional football game that's as boring as a pitching matchup in baseball. I hate baseball. The only time baseball was remotely watchable was when the trainers were "slipping" steroids into players vitamin B12 injections "unbeknownst" to the players. Everyone gets daily B12 shots in the butt don't they? Trainers sticking the syringes into players buttocks is merely the most effiecient way of distributing the B12 throughout the body--that's common knowledge. The point is that without Paco the would-be-gardener's routine 475 ft. homeruns baseball sucks-- and so does Tim Tebow.








Without the use of performance enhancing drugs former homerun slugger Paco Gonzales no longer
has all the pressure that accompanies wealth, fame and success, and has returned to the tranquility of his grass-roots.

I'm not taking anything away from all of his late-game heroics or his natural athletic ability. He is undeniably talented and has made a handful of great throws that has kept the team in games. His team believes in him 100% and has his back even when it sometimes seems Broncos management doesn't. He's clearly great for the NFL and has a squeaky clean image-- I get all that. But it's soooooooooooo fucking boring! Even if it's against the law, at least Roethlisberger knows how to entertain a crowd.

Roethlisberger is a rockstar! Just look at Exhibit A32.

Photo courtesy of Pennsylvania State Court.

Picture taken just before the girls overdosed on Rufalin and were treated to a courtesy visit to the Applebee's mens room. 
These sluts should be thanking the 2 time Superbowl winner for his generosity, not pressing charges--Rufalin is not cheap. 

I love NFL football and enjoy waking up at 6 am on gameday so I can get 4 solid hours of pre-game analysis in prior to kickoff. Throughout the week I have probably already watched 60 or 70 hours of coverage but it's gameday baby! There is so much pertinent information flowing through the numerous NFL media channels and things are changing on a minute to minute basis. I gotta know which players committed murder the night before or were arrested for drug trafficking, it could affect my free Fantasy league lineup! I need to know everything there is to know so I can lay informed strategic bets down. Dicipline is the key in football gambling so I only put $1,000 down. Chances are my 12 team parlay will be over before half-time of the morning games but I still can't resist the thrill of losing! You gotta get your losing in while you can because before you know it football will be over and we will be left with soccer.











Thanks a lot Tebow, since you decided to complete that last second game-winning (wobbly-looking piece of shit) pass to go 6 for 27 passing, I now owe 6 figures to the Bonnano Crime Family.

 I just don't want to accept the reality that football will be soon coming to an end. The NFL sub-plots and storylines alone each week are better than soccer, or any other gay thing you're going to find on TV.

Thanks to Soccer Dante's Cove is no longer the gayest thing on television.

Since Tebow has taken over as Denver's QB it's ruining my weekly football experience. In just a few short weeks, at what will seem like the blink of an eye, there will be nothing basketball and then...oh God...baseball.  Wake me up when we're 400 games into MLB's regular season.

Routine Hearings conducted by the House of Representatives on CSPAN is more exciting than Baseball.

I'm not a fruit or a Mexican...or a fruity Mexican so I don't watch Soccer.







Soccer cohesion building pre-game ritual.

Even though I'm white I'm not tough or Canadian so I don't watch Hockey. Basketball is ok, at least the players are black (which is the only true indicator that a sport is entertaining), but it's only good in the last two minutes of the game--which is exactly the problem with Tebow!!!! Plus it's so predictable. Let me guess; New York, Miami, Orlando, Chicago, Boston, Philadelphia, Indiana and... let's say Atlanta in the Eastern Conference Playoffs. And let's go LA Lakers, Dallas, San Antonio, Oklahoma City, Denver, Utah, Memphis and the LA Clippers in the West. You don't have to be Nostradamus to figure it out. The NBA is more predictable than the Russell Brand/Katy Perry divorce.

I can't believe his marriage to Katy Perry didn't last!
Who wouldn't want to wake up to the shrill sound of an annoyingly over-the-top Brittish accent,
or this devilishly handsome face? First it was Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries now this--I just don't get it.

There is nothing like the NFL for sports entertainment. Any sport worth watching needs to be dominated by juiced-up monsters capable of smashing through a cynder-block prison wall with their bare hands. A great sport also needs to be violent, fast-paced and unpredictable. There needs to be the possibility of life-threatening injuries and Medics with stretchers standing by. I love everything about it. The NFL football season goes by so quickly each year and each precious game should be filled with joy and excitement. I can only wish that the after this weekend the few remaining games are thrilling and Tebowless.