Special (really racist) Message to Iran

I typically try not to weigh in on politics and focus mainly on the really important issues in life, like football and pop-culture. Besides not being very smart, or qualified in any way shape or form, politics are one of those touchy subjects that you're not supposed to talk about, along with Religion. I've been sick all week and I have nothing better to do, so lucky for my thousands (7 people) of blog readers I'm going to discuss both!

What's that Iran? You plan on blocking the Straight of Hormuz, the worlds most important shipping lane for oil?
Well then you asked for it!

I don't want to be an alarmist but we're headed for another war. At least this time around war will be with the right Country, Iran. Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to engage in a ground war and lose any more brave American soldiers lives, or waste trillions of tax dollars we could be using to fix internal problems like homelessness or hunger, what we need to do is just BOMB THE SHIT OUT OF IT! The cost of all the bombs could be easily offset by starting a charity event. You could get Marine Staff Sargeant Frank Wuterich (accused of killing Iraqi civilians) or better yet, the peeing Marines to host it (when they serve out their Court Marshalls). Or even better yet, do it the real American way, have some true patriots charge $20 for a tittie squeeze! I've got a net-worth of $62.48 so that means three for me!!! Where do I sign up?!!!

So as not to cost the Government any more money that we don't have, we could enlist the help of some true patriots
to help raise money to pay for all the bombs.

Iv'e never donated a cent to Haiti, the Phillipines or the Sudan, mostly because I'm poor but also because I'm a selfish asshole who is focused on my own problems. What did you do to help after the earthquake in Port-au-Prince? Nearly 300,000 people died, that's roughly the same amount of Americans we lost in all of WW2, and more than 4 times what we lost in Vietnam. But all that aside, bombing Iran, now that's a cause I'd be willing to text in a $10 donation for!










Now don't think we won't do it either Iranians, just ask the Japanese. Just because the average American weighs somewhere in the neighborhood of 600 pounds, consumes everything in his/her path, and watches an average of 11 hours a day of Keeping up with the Kardashians reruns doesn't mean that we aren't capable and willing to send you to an early meeting with Allah.













Plus, nothing brings this Country together more and gets a hillbillie more fired up than a war where we get the opportunity to kill foreigners. Black, White, Asian...is doesn't really matter as long as their foreign.

A recent poll conducted in Middle-America showed a 100% willingness to Nuke Iran imeediately.
And I always thought rednecks were dumb.

As many problems as we might have in this great Country of ours, like a crumbling educational system, lack of healthcare, a spiraling out of control National debt, and Mexicans, we are still more than capable of turning your entire sandy Country into glass. In fact, we would love to! Just give us a reason. If you were to poll Americans about having to chose between drilling in Alaska or blowing up Iran and taking over their reserves, which do you think would win? Probably Alaska, but that's just hippie liberal non-sense, and besides, this is my blog and I'll write whatever I want even if it's made up.

Believe it or not fellow Californians, there are worse problems out there than those primitive, perverted Mexicans
outside of Home Depot eyeball raping every 7 year old girl who heads into the store with her father.
It was difficult to believe for me at first too, but it's the truth.

Please can we drop the political b.s., and start blowing up Iran already! All this talk is fucking gay and it's making us look bad. Personally, I can't wait until we (America, not me. I'm way too lazy and not brave at all) load up our aircraft carriers, pack our planes full of bombs, and head back over to the Middle East to show the Iranian's what happens when you fuck with America. I'm so sick and tired of these smelly, bearded terrorist camel jockeys thinking that just because they have oil buried underneath their shitty sand dune of a Country that they can act up and talk smack without reprocussion. Who do these backwards, woman-beating, midieval, oppressionist assholes think they are? We had bombs 80 years ago that are still far more advanced than the latest Iranian technology so I can only imagine the kind of crazy shit we have now. My only hope is that we can watch live coverage of a laser-guided missle being fired from an unmanned drone directly into the ass of President Ahmadinejad on Fox News.

Take that bitch! I hope your camels have armor plating on them.

Obviously there are no schools over there or their leaders would have learned at an early age not to taunt people that are bigger and stronger than you are, or you get your ass kicked and your lunch money stolen. In other words, we will come take the fucking oil. Did they not pay attention to what happened in Iraq? Probably not, since they don't have electricity or television, so allow me to recap it.

Any questions?

How come Iranian leaders only got brave and started badmouthing Americans after the last of our badass Marine Regiments had left the Persian Gulf? If you're so tough Iran, why didn't you say what you had to say to this guys face when you had the chance?







Now along with war comes heavy sacrafice from every American citizen. There are millions of Iranians living in Southern California and war could potentially put a strife in our relationship with them. What's that? You're fine with that? Me too, so let's move on then.



Then I guess the real question will be how many sacrafices are you as an American patriot willing to make as a ramification of the inevitable tension we will receive from American Iranians? Just in case you're not yet sure, or haven't thought it through thouroughly, I've prepared a checklist of all the potential sacrafices we will have to be willing to make in case of a war with Iran.









-Increase in cell phone prices at mall kiosks after "special deal" discounts abruptly end.












-That 1982 Diesel Mercedes that has been rotting in your neighbors yard for over a decade will instantly decrease in re-sale value.










-There won't be as many overly aggressive commuters on the 405 freeway each day, plus, the annoying bluetooth hands-free cell phone law will be reversed because, let's face it, it was made for Persians.















-Like everything else in California, 7/11's will be taken over by Mexicans, assuming they have the proper paper work and don't have a criminal record (this is all make-believe, work with me here).















-Your physician will be older than 17.















-All those hot Iranian women won't be clogging up parking spaces at the mall anymore.













-A sudden plummeting in the sales of leather goods, cologne, and of course, Affliction T-shirts.







I can live with all that, so let's hurry up and do this then, football season is almost over!