(Not so) Happy New Year's!

New Year's sucks and life is still gonna blow.

Can someone explain to me what's so happy about New Year's? January 1st marks the time of year when people are required to give up everything they enjoy in life. It's the time of year for those absurd New Year's resolutions--what a joke! If you're like millions of other Americans (me) you most likely got inappropriately wasted one night at a Xmas work party and decided you really want to start the new year off on a positive note. It's been 30 years of consistent failure, but now, with the mixture of Ecsatcy, Ritalin, Cocaine, Whisky and Tequilla, you can feel the tides turning in your favor. It's a burning in your veins too severe to ignore. You can feel it and it's really getting hot. So much so, you suddenly feel like you're suffocating inside your Brooks Brothers cashmere turtleneck. If you don't get out of all your clothes immediately you might burn alive. Maybe you just need a little Xanax to settle down.


 In that temporary, drug and alcohol induced, late-night, late-December lapse in emotional judgement, you cry on the shoulder of a cheap West Hollywood prostitute while vowing to yourself to make this coming year different.


Not wanting to forget these profound life-changing resolutions when you sober up in the morning, you quickly scribble them onto the nearest thing you have available--a bar napkin and the hot pink lipstick you borrowed from your cheap prostitute you just used as a psychologist.


You would have normally completely forgotten about the list 5 minutes after you wrote it, had you not used it to safely store the Rufalin you were planning on slipping to the hooker. Have you noticed the inflation and the skyrocketing prices of consumer goods lately? Even though she was the cheapest one the massage parlor had to offer, that $40 was definitely not in the budget this Xmas.

Lets check my New Years resolution from 2011 to follow up and see how I did. Didn't lose any weight-- well I did but I gained it all back. Didn't make more money. Didn't do any volunteer work or help anyone. Didn't stop taking every opportunity possible to disseminate racist humor.

Come January, it doesn't take long to realize your life is even worse off than it was during the weekly December trips to the mall. Xmas spirit was flowing freely through your veins when you spent $250 on one bag of tealights and two apple pie scented candles at Yankee Candle. You had been eyeballing that 1080 '100 inch Sony 3D, HD Blue-Ray ready, internet compatible Led Television from Walmart for months, so when it finally went on sale for $7800, down from $9600, you jumped at the opportunity to buy it--even though you had to charge it. The picture looks sooo real, and when you combine that with the $85 monthly HD premium channel upgrade, and the $600 Monster Cables required for maximum efficiency and picture quailty, when Iran finally decides to fire off a nuke aimed at Israel sometime this year it'll look as though your actually there!

Because I live in a 500 sq ft. studio apartment my girlfriend thought the '100 inch TV was too big--
boy was she wrong!

So what if you have to extend your credit a little bit to get it-- it's totally awesome! Who has that kind of money just sitting in the bank? I'm not Warren Buffett. This is America, so you open a new store credit card account with a $60,000 limit. All the store needs is one signature and your dreams can become a reality. No annual fees and no annual interest the first year--say no more. You skip over the other 40 pages of user agreements--the parts that committ you for life. And as an added post-holiday bonus special, if you sign up right now, as long as you transfer all other balances from all other credit cards, they then only charge 65% interest every year after with a 25 year minimum.  Now you have to get it. It makes total sense to consolidate the other 14 credit cards into 1 anyway, that way it will be easier for the Bankruptcy Lawyers to sort it all out later. Balancing your books was one of the things you wrote on that napkin! Who wants to pay 27% on 14 cards when you can pay 65% on one? You feel like a Wall Street powerbroker with your newfound business savvy. You see mom, you don't need to graduate high school to do great things in life.




Is 65% percent annual interest a lot? Who knows. I'm not Asian so I can't do that kind of math. I was never good at multiplying or adding percentages, or any other gay metric system conversions for that matter. All I know is Walmart is now like my new playground, and I'm like Jerry Sandusky. Shut the fu*# up Middle-Eastern salesperson you had me at hello! I don't understand anything your saying and you smell like curry and body odor. Where do I sign already?

The world can be your playground with a sweet new high-limit credit card.

The card is crisp and beautiful. It only takes one easy swipe through the machine for it to work, not like your debit card that you have to swipe 50 times. You can never be too sure if it's the fact the card is worn out or that your account is overdrawn. Probably both. Who cares, those days are now in the past. It's nothing but the latest and greatest Chinese imported goods for the close relatives. Like you, I cut a couple corners and saved some money and most likely stayed within budget by shopping for the relatives you don't really care for at the Dollar Store. It's the thought that counts anyway right?



The joy of giving is quickly overshadowed by shock when the credit card bill shows up and it's time to go back to work. Your bill shows an outstanding  balance of $27,587.67 with a minimum payment of $1,700. You're not even sure how you're going to pay rent this month and now evil Corporate America decides to squash another little person. Where did all that $600 Billion Bailout money go anyway? Those corporate criminals won't get away with this because I'm not going to pay it. My credit score was in the low 400's anyway so they should have known this would happen. It's their own fault. Either them or all those Mexicans with their free trips to the ER-- they must be at fault somehow here. America seemed great when I was 9 years old, before the Mexicans took everything over. The Iranian's too. I don't really know how they are related to the rise in the cost of living, I don't follow politics too closely, but they are both undoubtedly involved in some sort of high-brow Government conspiracy to ruin America. Vote Republican and seal the borders so we can take America back!

Even though you have insurance you still have to take a number at the ER.
 And because of all the Mexicans looking for their annual free check-up you draw #76,823.
They are currently serving number 15 so it shouldn't be too long.

You quickly remember what life was like before you were hypnotized by the loud and colorful Corporate Xmas gimmicks and the smell of pine needles and roasted chestnuts. It really sucks! You now find yourself returning to the same job you hated before your annual allotted 10 day Xmas PTO. There is no chance you are ever going to get promoted because you're way to smart for that. That's what you keep telling yourself as you get passed-over. You can't help that you're not a corporate conformist, and staying part-time allows you to keep your options open. You just have to suck it up for another year and cross your fingers and hope that the DUI case gets dropped or settled out of court before your boss finds out about it, or you'll definitely get fired for sure this time.


At least there are no more holiday parties to pretend you're nice at, and it looks like you're in the clear of the mall. Thank GOD, no more having to deal with the low-class, sweatpant wearing, huge assed, foreign-born public at the mall anymore. So maybe January won't be so bad afterall. Wait...gift returns... Damn it!


As you hit the miles and miles of fashion malls, strip-malls, valleys and squares to return all your crappy sweaters it feels like December Deja-Vu. If you're lucky enough to get a gift receipt and a chance to go to Steinmart, you can see there are more Mexicans than ever before. What happened? Did border Patrol take the holidays off and the gates flooded open? All of a sudden you need to talk to your doctor about a dosage increase of your Paxil.

Actual footage of our border with Mexico. Border Patrol must have taken the holidays off.

For many, the contemplation of suicide happens on that very first day back to work on January 2. For others--sooner.

Most likely the thought crosses your mind during your 2 hour morning commute. Driving 11 miles down the 405 freeway from the Valley to Santa Monica gives a person plenty of time to reflect on how crappy life really can be, or to figure out the perfect place to hide the bodies of people who don't step on the gas. It's around this time when you realize that the NFL season is nearing its conclusion. Even though all aspects of life were letting you down at least there had been football. Panic sets in, mixing itself with depression, wrapping its evil tentacles around your soul to become as much a part of your life as Snooki and J Woww.

Panic, now partnered with depression is a pair determined to ruin your life--along with Jersey Shore. 

Well it might be time to say goodbye to another amazing NFL season, which is made all the more difficult by the NFL's remarkable and unmatchable abitity to deliver satisfaction. So much so that I'm willing to put off suicide for another year because I wouldn't want to miss next years great storylines.




So thank you NFL for once again making life worth living. And thank you Jesus for not only making Tim Tebow watchable (for a few games), but for keeping Tony Romo and the Ryan Brothers out of the Playoffs. I was a little worried for a minute but in the end you really came through. By now if you've been reading my blog posts you all know I hate fat people and especially the Ryan Brothers.



Parting authors note to Jets Head Coach Rex Ryan:

The only true "guarantee" I know of.