Who Will Win The Republican Nomination?

Does a Gingrich victory in South Carolina mean the race is over?

Although Gingrich is considerably younger in this picture,
he could be running away with the 2012 Republican nomination.

Last Thursday night, from a crowded auditorium in Charleston, S.C., the pungent smell of burning flesh was permeating in the air while the four remaining Republican candidates turned up the heat, grilling one another like a pig from Sweatman's BBQ. In a critical, sometimes venemous debate for the Republican Presidential nomination, each candidate argued their case as to why they should be the nominee, pleading to the caucasian Evangelical audience, that if they are not elected, the Country will be sure to fall into the evil clutches of Barack Obama and the Democrats.



The stakes were high. Winning South Carolina is a critical element in the pursuit of the nomination. The crowd was tough, passionate, and diverse, both economically speaking, and culturally. The all white, Christian audience ranged from middle, to upper-middle class, their lineage evident and traceable to an array of Western European Countries.

Romney had less in common with this crowd then one might suspect at first glance.

Leading up to this point, the battle for the nomination had already taken months, cost each candidate millions of dollars, taken thousands of grueling man-hours, and seen a handful of their battle-hardened political comrades already drop out of the race, their hopes and dreams going up in flames. Nobody was going out without a fight. Each knew in his heart and mind the right direction for this great Country of ours going forward. Each swore to give it their best effort, and to not allow any of the other God-hating, abortion-loving, amnesty-granting, liberal Republican candidates to snatch away their victory. So into the octagon they climbed, confident and ready to debate all of the important issues facing our Nation today.



For two emotion-fueled hours, each candidate exposed the others skeletons, which they had been hiding in the closet all along, buried deep in the back of the closet, next to the etch-a-stetch and signed Ricky Martin CD, sitting right next to homosexuality.

There is no telling what these candidates are hiding in the closet.

After the debate, like a jury at a murder trial, for 48 arduous hours South Carolina voters would be left to deliberate and examine all the evidence, determine fact from fiction, figure out exactly what they had just heard, what the hell had just happened, then decipher which candidate they hate the least, before finally casting their crucial Primary vote.



In the end, it was Newt Gingrich who walked away with South Carolina and 40% of the vote, as well as the momentum heading into Florida. At first this news might be shocking, even alarming, but when you stop to analyze the situation thouroughly, looking at the key issues the candidates debated, it all begins to make sense.






Forget the fact Newt Gingrich left his first wife while she had cancer, left his second wife for denying Newt an open marriage and the chance to slay young intern poontang while she battled with Multiple Sclerosis, let's just stay focused on the important issues here--WHERE ARE THOSE TAX RETURNS ROMNEY!!!!!

If eventually elected President, Gingrich will undoubtedly have to make some tough calls, but leaving his sick wife for the chance to crush young intern ass was a no-brainer.

Point Gingrich. No Point for Romney due to failure to produce tax returns.




Newt mockingly sneered at Romney during Romney's pathetic rebuttle when asked if he would ever release his Tax Returns. Mitt, glowing with sweat and eyes wandering, drew a blank as he racked his brain for his well-rehearsed line. He uncomfortably laughed trying to buy himself much needed seconds.

He re-booted his central mainframe restarting his train of thought--still nothing. He had recited every possible answer to this question hundreds of times. He knew all of his lines an hour before the show...er debate...how could this happen now? He thought about inserting a joke about how it would take so much paper to fit all the zero's behind his net-worth that they would have to chop down half the Amazon Rainforest just to meet his paper supply needs, but was well enough coached to quickly rule this out. His people had already programmed the latest poll numbers into Romney's state-of-the-art internal processor, numbers indicating his genuine disconnect with the middle-class American public. According to data compiled by his campaign, the last time Romney joked about his wealth there had been an immediate 2% drop in his supporter confidence. The last thing this Zillionaire Corporate Magnate wants to do is paint himself as a Zillionaire Corporate Magante. So he paused another moment, allowing his brain to properly weigh the statistics and forecast projections for each possible response. Then...the answer hit him.



Romney eyes bobbed around the room avoiding contact with audience, camera or candidates. He made some gurgling noises and appeared to be suffering from a seizure. Determined to simultaneously silence the doubters and critics and snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, he enlightened the world with the answer millions of people had been waiting weeks to hear.

"Er...uh...I...uh...eh...ummmm...don't need...er...eh...uh....to release at this time but a later time.... April...ha ha ha....1988....umm...reform...uh...oh", finishing it off with another uncomfortable laugh.



Point Gingrich.

"Oh Mittey boy, I released my tax returns...nana-nana boo-boo."

That was the big issue that set the tone early for a two hour ass-whooping many would label as an upset. At this point in the debate, what else really matters? Mitt's tax returns are obviously the most important issue plaguing America, so until we settle this, how can we possibly expect Newt, or the other candidates looking to obtain the most powerful position in all of the free world to discuss unemployment, especially unemployment amongst veterans (which is twice the National average), or the never-ending wars in the hopeless Middle-East, our growing $14 Trillion National Debt, inflation, Iran enriching uranium, another psycho North Korean Dictator taking power, homelessness, the fact that 1 out of 3 kids in this Country are hungry, the separation of classes, a crumbling educational system, etc.... until we get those God Damn Tax Returns Romney!!!!

Even without tax returns, romney's sweet hair-do, not his policies landed him 28% of the votes in South Carolina.

Let us also not forget the fact that Mitt Romney, is a baby-killer, and the political master-mind behind "Romney-Care" and "tax-payer funded abortions". Believe it or not folks, Romney formerly supported a womans right to chose. What??? I'm no Political Science Major, but to me that sounds an awful lot like Women's Rights, something as a Nation we definitely cannot allow. If we start allowing women to have rights, pretty soon they will be able to vote, and, God forbid...drive!! Romney you deceitful liberal heathen!! In the Declaration of Independance, Thomas Jefferson said, "All Men are created equal." If he thought women were equal, he would have said so.


Point Gingrich.




So Romney is out, at least in South Carolina, but what about Ron Paul?




Santorum, Gingrich, and Romney were all on the same page with this one. It's War Strategy 101 to form temporary alliances while fighting for a common goal. To help formulate and better shape a focused attack on Ron Paul, the three real candidates stole a page right out of a history book-- Blitzkrieg, by Len Dieghton.

Ron Paul would be Poland in 1939.

Not to panick. Perhaps Ron Paul could anticipate this attack coming, launch a counter-attack, and win over the people with the fact he is an actual veteran.

As a respected war veteran who actually saw combat and worked his whole life as a doctor delivering babies,
Ron Paul alienated himself from the well-funded, corporate sponsored, beauracratic Washington cronies.  

Nope.


In previous debates, Newt Gingrich preemptively planned this as Newt emphasised that he was loosely related to people who served in combat--so obviously he is just as much a patriot as Ron Paul, and you hate America if you don't believe that. Damn it!! You're a slippery one Gingrich.


Without the help of corrupt corporate sponsorship and powerful political Super P.A.C.'s, Ron Paul's supply lines were systematically cut off, similar to the German Army's defeat at the Battle of the Bulge. Little by little, Paul became outflanked, outnumbered and outsupplied.



A candidate who speaks of common sense, ignoring cohesive, derisive attacks from his opponents to focus on real issues--there can only be one outcome.

With attacks coming from all sides the south Carolina nomination quickly became a war of attrition for Ron Paul's camp.

Balancing the budget and a common sense approach was the ground Ron Paul was running on, landing him a whopping 13% of the vote.  As a country we're definitely not ready for that kind of radicalism. End of story.



Point everyone else.

Common sense was the ground Ron Paul was running on--
which turned out to be made by ACME.

What about Santorum?






Rick Santorum, an unwavering conservative from Pennsylvania, once knew some people who worked in coal mines--clearly that means he has a legitimate connection with the struggling American middle-class and is the candidate of the working man.










As blindly conservative as Gingrich on all Republican party-line issues, Santorum could perhaps be the most viable threat to Newt's 2012 Presidential run.

Rick Santorum once met this guy so there's no way you can say he's out of touch with the American people.

Knowing coal miners, combined with the fact that while he worked as a lawyer in Pittsburgh, Santorum battled in court to abolish steroid testing in professional wrestling, Santorum could pose a real threat to Newt.

Since you won Iowa, and since this guy has your back, you're no longer considered an underdog Santorum. 

With three states in the books, and three victories from three different opponents, it's fair to say we have to wait longer to find out who will win the Republican nomination.

Special (really racist) Message to Iran

I typically try not to weigh in on politics and focus mainly on the really important issues in life, like football and pop-culture. Besides not being very smart, or qualified in any way shape or form, politics are one of those touchy subjects that you're not supposed to talk about, along with Religion. I've been sick all week and I have nothing better to do, so lucky for my thousands (7 people) of blog readers I'm going to discuss both!

What's that Iran? You plan on blocking the Straight of Hormuz, the worlds most important shipping lane for oil?
Well then you asked for it!

I don't want to be an alarmist but we're headed for another war. At least this time around war will be with the right Country, Iran. Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to engage in a ground war and lose any more brave American soldiers lives, or waste trillions of tax dollars we could be using to fix internal problems like homelessness or hunger, what we need to do is just BOMB THE SHIT OUT OF IT! The cost of all the bombs could be easily offset by starting a charity event. You could get Marine Staff Sargeant Frank Wuterich (accused of killing Iraqi civilians) or better yet, the peeing Marines to host it (when they serve out their Court Marshalls). Or even better yet, do it the real American way, have some true patriots charge $20 for a tittie squeeze! I've got a net-worth of $62.48 so that means three for me!!! Where do I sign up?!!!

So as not to cost the Government any more money that we don't have, we could enlist the help of some true patriots
to help raise money to pay for all the bombs.

Iv'e never donated a cent to Haiti, the Phillipines or the Sudan, mostly because I'm poor but also because I'm a selfish asshole who is focused on my own problems. What did you do to help after the earthquake in Port-au-Prince? Nearly 300,000 people died, that's roughly the same amount of Americans we lost in all of WW2, and more than 4 times what we lost in Vietnam. But all that aside, bombing Iran, now that's a cause I'd be willing to text in a $10 donation for!










Now don't think we won't do it either Iranians, just ask the Japanese. Just because the average American weighs somewhere in the neighborhood of 600 pounds, consumes everything in his/her path, and watches an average of 11 hours a day of Keeping up with the Kardashians reruns doesn't mean that we aren't capable and willing to send you to an early meeting with Allah.













Plus, nothing brings this Country together more and gets a hillbillie more fired up than a war where we get the opportunity to kill foreigners. Black, White, Asian...is doesn't really matter as long as their foreign.

A recent poll conducted in Middle-America showed a 100% willingness to Nuke Iran imeediately.
And I always thought rednecks were dumb.

As many problems as we might have in this great Country of ours, like a crumbling educational system, lack of healthcare, a spiraling out of control National debt, and Mexicans, we are still more than capable of turning your entire sandy Country into glass. In fact, we would love to! Just give us a reason. If you were to poll Americans about having to chose between drilling in Alaska or blowing up Iran and taking over their reserves, which do you think would win? Probably Alaska, but that's just hippie liberal non-sense, and besides, this is my blog and I'll write whatever I want even if it's made up.

Believe it or not fellow Californians, there are worse problems out there than those primitive, perverted Mexicans
outside of Home Depot eyeball raping every 7 year old girl who heads into the store with her father.
It was difficult to believe for me at first too, but it's the truth.

Please can we drop the political b.s., and start blowing up Iran already! All this talk is fucking gay and it's making us look bad. Personally, I can't wait until we (America, not me. I'm way too lazy and not brave at all) load up our aircraft carriers, pack our planes full of bombs, and head back over to the Middle East to show the Iranian's what happens when you fuck with America. I'm so sick and tired of these smelly, bearded terrorist camel jockeys thinking that just because they have oil buried underneath their shitty sand dune of a Country that they can act up and talk smack without reprocussion. Who do these backwards, woman-beating, midieval, oppressionist assholes think they are? We had bombs 80 years ago that are still far more advanced than the latest Iranian technology so I can only imagine the kind of crazy shit we have now. My only hope is that we can watch live coverage of a laser-guided missle being fired from an unmanned drone directly into the ass of President Ahmadinejad on Fox News.

Take that bitch! I hope your camels have armor plating on them.

Obviously there are no schools over there or their leaders would have learned at an early age not to taunt people that are bigger and stronger than you are, or you get your ass kicked and your lunch money stolen. In other words, we will come take the fucking oil. Did they not pay attention to what happened in Iraq? Probably not, since they don't have electricity or television, so allow me to recap it.

Any questions?

How come Iranian leaders only got brave and started badmouthing Americans after the last of our badass Marine Regiments had left the Persian Gulf? If you're so tough Iran, why didn't you say what you had to say to this guys face when you had the chance?







Now along with war comes heavy sacrafice from every American citizen. There are millions of Iranians living in Southern California and war could potentially put a strife in our relationship with them. What's that? You're fine with that? Me too, so let's move on then.



Then I guess the real question will be how many sacrafices are you as an American patriot willing to make as a ramification of the inevitable tension we will receive from American Iranians? Just in case you're not yet sure, or haven't thought it through thouroughly, I've prepared a checklist of all the potential sacrafices we will have to be willing to make in case of a war with Iran.









-Increase in cell phone prices at mall kiosks after "special deal" discounts abruptly end.












-That 1982 Diesel Mercedes that has been rotting in your neighbors yard for over a decade will instantly decrease in re-sale value.










-There won't be as many overly aggressive commuters on the 405 freeway each day, plus, the annoying bluetooth hands-free cell phone law will be reversed because, let's face it, it was made for Persians.















-Like everything else in California, 7/11's will be taken over by Mexicans, assuming they have the proper paper work and don't have a criminal record (this is all make-believe, work with me here).















-Your physician will be older than 17.















-All those hot Iranian women won't be clogging up parking spaces at the mall anymore.













-A sudden plummeting in the sales of leather goods, cologne, and of course, Affliction T-shirts.







I can live with all that, so let's hurry up and do this then, football season is almost over!

Please God no more Tebow Time!

I'm not Religious but I'm praying to you GOD--no more Tim Tebow!

I don't know about you but I was rooting for the rapist last weekend. Not Kobe Bryant, I don't care about Basketball yet. I'm talking about the man I would most want to party with in professional sports, Ben Roethlisberger (besides Lawrence Taylor of course). How could the Steelers lose to the Broncos? How could you do this to me Big Ben? I know you played with 6 broken bones and had the mobility of R2D2, and that the unpredictability of football with the idea of "any given Sunday" is one of the reasons the NFL so great, but why to Tebow?


Thinking only of myself, that means I'm going to have to hear about GOD all week again. That means more overweight, extra-chromosome laden inbred Middle-American retards boasting about GOD's influence. That means a trip back in time to an era where players wore leather helmets and had zero passing attack, rushing the ball 60 times a game--before football was watchable and baseball was exciting. It also means more Phillipino civilians dying from Tsunamis and flooding wreaking havoc all over their Country after Tom Brady destroys the Broncos again (Just like in December). But most important (because I'm selfish and don't care about Phillipinos), that means I'm going to be subjected to another mundane 3 hours of passing futility akin to the 4th grade pop-warner kids. I'd rather watch paint dry or grass grow than Tim Tebow playing quarterback (if that didn't mean a Mexican day-laborer being at my house).

I got my sweet new ink and will be praying for the end of Tebow Time.

Just because Tebow led a series of improbable 4th quarter comebacks doesn't make him a good QB. Reading complex NFL defenses and making split-second decisions followed with a tight spiral thrown into a small window deep down field--routinely--does. Handing the ball off to Willis Mcgahee 30 times a game or running a quarterback draw doesn't. That makes you a white runningback (which is an amazing feat in itself). Tim Tebow is just Denver's hybrid version of the Wildcat running-back, and against the Patriots, that should last about as long as the geeky American Pie kid seeing Nadia naked for the first time.

Also on a side note, the option offense should be left behind in high school, along with virginity, comic books, 5 dudes riding in a car together, and any lingering Religious beliefs you might have had branded into your brain from a traumatic Catholic School education.

These 7 year old pop-warner kids can throw the ball better than Tebow.

I don't care how many people Roethlisberger rapes at least he can throw a spiral and complete a pass further then the line of scrimmage. They were probably asking for it anyway so don't be so quick to judge Big Ben and think that Tebow is so great. Please God, I promise I'll go to Church (crossing my fingers of course) just please, please, please don't subject me to anymore Tim Tebow games.


It's not that I dislike Tim Tebow for being Christian, or for his constant displays of faith, it's that I can't stand the idea of having to watch another professional football game that's as boring as a pitching matchup in baseball. I hate baseball. The only time baseball was remotely watchable was when the trainers were "slipping" steroids into players vitamin B12 injections "unbeknownst" to the players. Everyone gets daily B12 shots in the butt don't they? Trainers sticking the syringes into players buttocks is merely the most effiecient way of distributing the B12 throughout the body--that's common knowledge. The point is that without Paco the would-be-gardener's routine 475 ft. homeruns baseball sucks-- and so does Tim Tebow.








Without the use of performance enhancing drugs former homerun slugger Paco Gonzales no longer
has all the pressure that accompanies wealth, fame and success, and has returned to the tranquility of his grass-roots.

I'm not taking anything away from all of his late-game heroics or his natural athletic ability. He is undeniably talented and has made a handful of great throws that has kept the team in games. His team believes in him 100% and has his back even when it sometimes seems Broncos management doesn't. He's clearly great for the NFL and has a squeaky clean image-- I get all that. But it's soooooooooooo fucking boring! Even if it's against the law, at least Roethlisberger knows how to entertain a crowd.

Roethlisberger is a rockstar! Just look at Exhibit A32.

Photo courtesy of Pennsylvania State Court.

Picture taken just before the girls overdosed on Rufalin and were treated to a courtesy visit to the Applebee's mens room. 
These sluts should be thanking the 2 time Superbowl winner for his generosity, not pressing charges--Rufalin is not cheap. 

I love NFL football and enjoy waking up at 6 am on gameday so I can get 4 solid hours of pre-game analysis in prior to kickoff. Throughout the week I have probably already watched 60 or 70 hours of coverage but it's gameday baby! There is so much pertinent information flowing through the numerous NFL media channels and things are changing on a minute to minute basis. I gotta know which players committed murder the night before or were arrested for drug trafficking, it could affect my free Fantasy league lineup! I need to know everything there is to know so I can lay informed strategic bets down. Dicipline is the key in football gambling so I only put $1,000 down. Chances are my 12 team parlay will be over before half-time of the morning games but I still can't resist the thrill of losing! You gotta get your losing in while you can because before you know it football will be over and we will be left with soccer.











Thanks a lot Tebow, since you decided to complete that last second game-winning (wobbly-looking piece of shit) pass to go 6 for 27 passing, I now owe 6 figures to the Bonnano Crime Family.

 I just don't want to accept the reality that football will be soon coming to an end. The NFL sub-plots and storylines alone each week are better than soccer, or any other gay thing you're going to find on TV.

Thanks to Soccer Dante's Cove is no longer the gayest thing on television.

Since Tebow has taken over as Denver's QB it's ruining my weekly football experience. In just a few short weeks, at what will seem like the blink of an eye, there will be nothing basketball and then...oh God...baseball.  Wake me up when we're 400 games into MLB's regular season.

Routine Hearings conducted by the House of Representatives on CSPAN is more exciting than Baseball.

I'm not a fruit or a Mexican...or a fruity Mexican so I don't watch Soccer.







Soccer cohesion building pre-game ritual.

Even though I'm white I'm not tough or Canadian so I don't watch Hockey. Basketball is ok, at least the players are black (which is the only true indicator that a sport is entertaining), but it's only good in the last two minutes of the game--which is exactly the problem with Tebow!!!! Plus it's so predictable. Let me guess; New York, Miami, Orlando, Chicago, Boston, Philadelphia, Indiana and... let's say Atlanta in the Eastern Conference Playoffs. And let's go LA Lakers, Dallas, San Antonio, Oklahoma City, Denver, Utah, Memphis and the LA Clippers in the West. You don't have to be Nostradamus to figure it out. The NBA is more predictable than the Russell Brand/Katy Perry divorce.

I can't believe his marriage to Katy Perry didn't last!
Who wouldn't want to wake up to the shrill sound of an annoyingly over-the-top Brittish accent,
or this devilishly handsome face? First it was Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries now this--I just don't get it.

There is nothing like the NFL for sports entertainment. Any sport worth watching needs to be dominated by juiced-up monsters capable of smashing through a cynder-block prison wall with their bare hands. A great sport also needs to be violent, fast-paced and unpredictable. There needs to be the possibility of life-threatening injuries and Medics with stretchers standing by. I love everything about it. The NFL football season goes by so quickly each year and each precious game should be filled with joy and excitement. I can only wish that the after this weekend the few remaining games are thrilling and Tebowless.






 

(Not so) Happy New Year's!

New Year's sucks and life is still gonna blow.

Can someone explain to me what's so happy about New Year's? January 1st marks the time of year when people are required to give up everything they enjoy in life. It's the time of year for those absurd New Year's resolutions--what a joke! If you're like millions of other Americans (me) you most likely got inappropriately wasted one night at a Xmas work party and decided you really want to start the new year off on a positive note. It's been 30 years of consistent failure, but now, with the mixture of Ecsatcy, Ritalin, Cocaine, Whisky and Tequilla, you can feel the tides turning in your favor. It's a burning in your veins too severe to ignore. You can feel it and it's really getting hot. So much so, you suddenly feel like you're suffocating inside your Brooks Brothers cashmere turtleneck. If you don't get out of all your clothes immediately you might burn alive. Maybe you just need a little Xanax to settle down.


 In that temporary, drug and alcohol induced, late-night, late-December lapse in emotional judgement, you cry on the shoulder of a cheap West Hollywood prostitute while vowing to yourself to make this coming year different.


Not wanting to forget these profound life-changing resolutions when you sober up in the morning, you quickly scribble them onto the nearest thing you have available--a bar napkin and the hot pink lipstick you borrowed from your cheap prostitute you just used as a psychologist.


You would have normally completely forgotten about the list 5 minutes after you wrote it, had you not used it to safely store the Rufalin you were planning on slipping to the hooker. Have you noticed the inflation and the skyrocketing prices of consumer goods lately? Even though she was the cheapest one the massage parlor had to offer, that $40 was definitely not in the budget this Xmas.

Lets check my New Years resolution from 2011 to follow up and see how I did. Didn't lose any weight-- well I did but I gained it all back. Didn't make more money. Didn't do any volunteer work or help anyone. Didn't stop taking every opportunity possible to disseminate racist humor.

Come January, it doesn't take long to realize your life is even worse off than it was during the weekly December trips to the mall. Xmas spirit was flowing freely through your veins when you spent $250 on one bag of tealights and two apple pie scented candles at Yankee Candle. You had been eyeballing that 1080 '100 inch Sony 3D, HD Blue-Ray ready, internet compatible Led Television from Walmart for months, so when it finally went on sale for $7800, down from $9600, you jumped at the opportunity to buy it--even though you had to charge it. The picture looks sooo real, and when you combine that with the $85 monthly HD premium channel upgrade, and the $600 Monster Cables required for maximum efficiency and picture quailty, when Iran finally decides to fire off a nuke aimed at Israel sometime this year it'll look as though your actually there!

Because I live in a 500 sq ft. studio apartment my girlfriend thought the '100 inch TV was too big--
boy was she wrong!

So what if you have to extend your credit a little bit to get it-- it's totally awesome! Who has that kind of money just sitting in the bank? I'm not Warren Buffett. This is America, so you open a new store credit card account with a $60,000 limit. All the store needs is one signature and your dreams can become a reality. No annual fees and no annual interest the first year--say no more. You skip over the other 40 pages of user agreements--the parts that committ you for life. And as an added post-holiday bonus special, if you sign up right now, as long as you transfer all other balances from all other credit cards, they then only charge 65% interest every year after with a 25 year minimum.  Now you have to get it. It makes total sense to consolidate the other 14 credit cards into 1 anyway, that way it will be easier for the Bankruptcy Lawyers to sort it all out later. Balancing your books was one of the things you wrote on that napkin! Who wants to pay 27% on 14 cards when you can pay 65% on one? You feel like a Wall Street powerbroker with your newfound business savvy. You see mom, you don't need to graduate high school to do great things in life.




Is 65% percent annual interest a lot? Who knows. I'm not Asian so I can't do that kind of math. I was never good at multiplying or adding percentages, or any other gay metric system conversions for that matter. All I know is Walmart is now like my new playground, and I'm like Jerry Sandusky. Shut the fu*# up Middle-Eastern salesperson you had me at hello! I don't understand anything your saying and you smell like curry and body odor. Where do I sign already?

The world can be your playground with a sweet new high-limit credit card.

The card is crisp and beautiful. It only takes one easy swipe through the machine for it to work, not like your debit card that you have to swipe 50 times. You can never be too sure if it's the fact the card is worn out or that your account is overdrawn. Probably both. Who cares, those days are now in the past. It's nothing but the latest and greatest Chinese imported goods for the close relatives. Like you, I cut a couple corners and saved some money and most likely stayed within budget by shopping for the relatives you don't really care for at the Dollar Store. It's the thought that counts anyway right?



The joy of giving is quickly overshadowed by shock when the credit card bill shows up and it's time to go back to work. Your bill shows an outstanding  balance of $27,587.67 with a minimum payment of $1,700. You're not even sure how you're going to pay rent this month and now evil Corporate America decides to squash another little person. Where did all that $600 Billion Bailout money go anyway? Those corporate criminals won't get away with this because I'm not going to pay it. My credit score was in the low 400's anyway so they should have known this would happen. It's their own fault. Either them or all those Mexicans with their free trips to the ER-- they must be at fault somehow here. America seemed great when I was 9 years old, before the Mexicans took everything over. The Iranian's too. I don't really know how they are related to the rise in the cost of living, I don't follow politics too closely, but they are both undoubtedly involved in some sort of high-brow Government conspiracy to ruin America. Vote Republican and seal the borders so we can take America back!

Even though you have insurance you still have to take a number at the ER.
 And because of all the Mexicans looking for their annual free check-up you draw #76,823.
They are currently serving number 15 so it shouldn't be too long.

You quickly remember what life was like before you were hypnotized by the loud and colorful Corporate Xmas gimmicks and the smell of pine needles and roasted chestnuts. It really sucks! You now find yourself returning to the same job you hated before your annual allotted 10 day Xmas PTO. There is no chance you are ever going to get promoted because you're way to smart for that. That's what you keep telling yourself as you get passed-over. You can't help that you're not a corporate conformist, and staying part-time allows you to keep your options open. You just have to suck it up for another year and cross your fingers and hope that the DUI case gets dropped or settled out of court before your boss finds out about it, or you'll definitely get fired for sure this time.


At least there are no more holiday parties to pretend you're nice at, and it looks like you're in the clear of the mall. Thank GOD, no more having to deal with the low-class, sweatpant wearing, huge assed, foreign-born public at the mall anymore. So maybe January won't be so bad afterall. Wait...gift returns... Damn it!


As you hit the miles and miles of fashion malls, strip-malls, valleys and squares to return all your crappy sweaters it feels like December Deja-Vu. If you're lucky enough to get a gift receipt and a chance to go to Steinmart, you can see there are more Mexicans than ever before. What happened? Did border Patrol take the holidays off and the gates flooded open? All of a sudden you need to talk to your doctor about a dosage increase of your Paxil.

Actual footage of our border with Mexico. Border Patrol must have taken the holidays off.

For many, the contemplation of suicide happens on that very first day back to work on January 2. For others--sooner.

Most likely the thought crosses your mind during your 2 hour morning commute. Driving 11 miles down the 405 freeway from the Valley to Santa Monica gives a person plenty of time to reflect on how crappy life really can be, or to figure out the perfect place to hide the bodies of people who don't step on the gas. It's around this time when you realize that the NFL season is nearing its conclusion. Even though all aspects of life were letting you down at least there had been football. Panic sets in, mixing itself with depression, wrapping its evil tentacles around your soul to become as much a part of your life as Snooki and J Woww.

Panic, now partnered with depression is a pair determined to ruin your life--along with Jersey Shore. 

Well it might be time to say goodbye to another amazing NFL season, which is made all the more difficult by the NFL's remarkable and unmatchable abitity to deliver satisfaction. So much so that I'm willing to put off suicide for another year because I wouldn't want to miss next years great storylines.




So thank you NFL for once again making life worth living. And thank you Jesus for not only making Tim Tebow watchable (for a few games), but for keeping Tony Romo and the Ryan Brothers out of the Playoffs. I was a little worried for a minute but in the end you really came through. By now if you've been reading my blog posts you all know I hate fat people and especially the Ryan Brothers.



Parting authors note to Jets Head Coach Rex Ryan:

The only true "guarantee" I know of.